Struggling with my failure to successfully BF

[mariebaby3]

This may be long, I'm sorry. I need an outlet to just put down my feelings because I'm really struggling to let go of my upset over my unsuccessful BF journey. I'd really appreciate any words of wisdom or help with getting past this. To go back to the start, I have 3 children, a 12 year old dd, 9 yo ds and my 3rd was born in June of this year. I FF my eldest 2 and didn't attempt BF. At the time I was young and just didn't want to. With my 3rd I said all the way through pregnancy that I was going to try it, but I wouldn't do it to the detriment of my mental health.

My baby was born 3 weeks early, before I had a chance to read the BF books I'd bought as I really wanted to educate myself. She was born via emergency c-section, all went well until we were back on the ward and the midwives tried putting her to the breast. She wasn't interested and it soon became obvious that she was in respiratory distress and she was rushed off to SCBU. I wasn't able to go up to see her until the following day so we spend the first 24 hours apart which was just... awful.

Day 2, and she was improving really well. They suspected sepsis so they had to wait for her blood tests to come back so she stayed in special care. In the afternoon they let me try to put her back to the breast and after a few attempts she latched and she did so SO well. At this point I was just euphoric. I knew that this is something I wanted to do and felt so proud of us. The only issue was that I was in a lot of pain post c-section (the ward was very busy and they weren't keeping me topped up with meds) and so I had to keep walking back and forth between special care, my ward for food, and just to lie down and rest. They told me that they'd call me when baby was hungry, which they did, roughly every 3 hours.

Day 3 they released her from SCBU and we were put in the low dependancy nursery. The nurses there told me that her blood sugars were really low and so they had to put a feeding tube in and top her up with formula. I carried on putting her to the breast but she was such a sleepy eater. She would suckle for a few moments then fall asleep, so I'd be told I can go back and get some sleep and they'd call me back when she woke up again. This was the routine for the next couple of days. I was also pumping every couple of hours to try and help my milk come in.

In total we were in special care (in a flat on the ward) for 8 days. Most of this time was spent trying to successfully BF. By day 6 they noticed that she was very jaundice and this may be what had caused her to be so sleepy when eating. She also dropped 14% off her birth weight. in the end they suggested that I top her up with formula to increase her weight, help the jaundice. After this we never really went back. She just wouldn't go back to the breast. I was also broken, mentally and physically, 8 days in hospital, not seeing my other 2 children, not having sufficient pain relief. For 8 days I got up every 3 hrs to go and feed, which would sometimes take 50 minutes, then pump for 20 minutes, then back to bed for 1.5hr before doing it over again. I was just so tired and feel like I stopped trying, stopped persevering because of this.

Looking back, I wonder if it had been different if they let me have her on me all the time, so I could feed on demand instead of calling me every 3 hours... would this have helped my supply come in quicker?. Would she have been more interested in nursing if they hadn't topped her up with formula via the tube so quickly? I've read since that a SNS would have been better, as she would've had the milk while also keeping at the breast and stimulating my supply. The nurses were lovely, but every day and night there was someone different, with different advice, different techniques and it was just confusing and overwhelming and we never found our own way.

Three months down the line and my baby is happy on formula. But I hated it. I resented washing bottles, buying expensive tubs, sterilising, the reflux, figuring out how to make bottles while out and about. I hated and still do hate it all. I made the decision to try and relactate and hired a Medela symphony pump. I pumped every 2 hrs for 2 minutes for 4 weeks and finally got some milk back to the point that I could feed her some from a teaspoon. I was really proud of myself once again but it was killing me. I was constantly attached the pump, I couldn't go anywhere, and ultimately I realised that it would just take too much from me to continue the journey no matter how much I wanted it. So I quit, again.

We are now at 4.5 months and I'm still so upset about it all. I still cry sometimes. I've had to block and delete so many people off social media, and avoid websites because people post so many BF pictures now it just stings. I feel like I've lost something that I didn't even know I wanted so badly and I'm struggling to let it go. This is my last baby too so I know I will never have this experience again. It's just heartbreaking.

Has anyone been through this before? Are my feelings extreme or normal? Does it get easier?

The feelings aren’t normal, but they’re real to you.

You and your baby had a really rough start, but she’s ok.

Maybe look at talking to a counsellor.

But mainly, look to the future, shrug your shoulders and move forward with the joy of you new baby. X

In my limited experience of just myself, I think your feelings are normal, or at least I felt similar at the same baby stage. Thing is, you did bf as much as you were able to and you did a bloody good job! I found the passing of time (and getting diagnosed with pnd and taking ads) massively helped - my DTs are nearly 4 now and how they were fed as a baby isn’t really relevant anymore. I too did my best. It didn’t work out how I planned, but that’s ok. My kids are happy and healthy, and ultimately I don’t think anyone apart from me actually cares how they were fed!

I’m sorry you are finding it so difficult, but you’re not alone. And you have done a great job with the bf you have done, please don’t beat yourself up about FF. 💐

I had a similar experience to you. My baby was born 2 weeks early in June. She had GBS sepsis and spent 3 days in NICU and 7 days in SCBU. I was separated from her for 2 days as i was also unwell. The nurses tried their best but at one point i had 5 nurses around me, all telling me different things whilst i was trying to get DD to latch on and i burst into tears. My DH sent them away and basically arranged that i would only see the BF specialist, which at least cut out the rubbish advice. We weren't allowed to leave SCBU until DD had gained weight for two days and the only way we got her to gain the weight was with formula. In the end, we have managed to mixed feed (by a very intensive pumping schedule with the symphony pump) but i felt like such a failure for a long time. We were lucky in that the SCBU had a counsellor attached who chatted to me for a bit and in addition, there was a very kind SCBU nurse who basically told me to be kind to myself and that she herself had FF her babies.

All of that is a long way of saying that i think your feelings are very normal, especially when combined with a poorly baby / traumatic birth. You and your baby have been through so much and you are still recovering. For me, it was only really when i allowed myself to come to terms with everything that i felt like i could move on.

If you hate sterilising / making up formula, buy the 200ml ready made formula and the mam self-sterilising bottles. They changed my life and helped me feel less beholden to the whole formula rigmarole.

In the future, noone will care if baby is BF or FF. You've done a brilliant job to even try and relactate and if baby is happy and thriving on formula then thats great.

I don't think your feelings are abnormal. Breastfeeding grief is a thing. Amy Brown has written a book about it if you are interested. It's worth knowing you can call the National Breastfeeding Helpline to talk this through. They are trained counsellors and they can help with these feelings, not just practical support. Amazing job giving your baby as much breast milk as you could

I had very similar feelings when I failed to BF my first. She was born by emergency section at 35 weeks and only 3lbs 11oz due to pre eclampsia and spent almost 3 weeks in SCBU. She was tube fed for quite a while and I pumped but really didn't get much and I had no BF support when we returned home and so we struggled. She was a very sleepy baby and then my nipples inverted for some weird reason. If she wasn't sleeping she was screaming and eventually, but with much guilt I gave up and gave her formula. She thrived on it and although I felt guilty and felt like I had failed her she thrived and was much happier. She is now 32 and no different to my 3 other children who were all BF. Be kind to yourself, nobody is going to point a finger and say oh the poor baby was not BF. If your baby is happy, healthy and thriving then you are doing great especially as you have other children to tend to also. Could you possibly have PND?

OP your life is pretty similar to mine. My eldest is 13, second is 8 and had my third in February. I tried with my first but I was young and gave up really fast. I felt awkward and no one helped or encouraged me. Second I didn't even try because I was put off by the first. Third I decided I would give it a good go, got all the stuff was looking forward to it. Quite a traumatic birth. Midwifes didn't put her to the breast after the birth, infact the told me to leave it. It was nearly 2 hours before I attempted it . Tried and tried, but just couldn't produce it. I had low iron, and high blood pressure after the birth for a few weeks. I was really quite ill. I pumped for an hour solid one day and didn't even get an ounce from both breasts combined. I tried for 6 weeks but I was basically ff because she was getting nothing from me. I don't even think she was latching on properly because she was just sulking nipplemost of the time and it was bloody agony. I had to give up. I cried for about 2 days, and then decided I had punished myself enough. She is happy and healthy and just started walking 2 weeks ago so it hadn't had her back.
I still feel jealous when I see people breast feeding when they are put and about though.

You have brought your baby into the world, coped with such a difficult start, and she's doing amazingly and already walking, you are a great mum. Things don't always work out the way we plan them, but in my experience things work out better if we can accept things the way they turn out to be.
Enjoy your three wonderful kids and try to look forward at all the opportunities rather than backwards at what might have been.

@VerveClique

The feelings aren’t normal, but they’re real to you.

You and your baby had a really rough start, but she’s ok.

Maybe look at talking to a counsellor.

But mainly, look to the future, shrug your shoulders and move forward with the joy of you new baby. X

These feelings are normal. Ignore this OP

I'm so sorry. I ended up with a prem baby and pumped for the first couple of months as I just couldn't get a good latch. I would have been so upset to go to formula as I wanted to pass on the antibodies from my covid jabs and felt it was my role as a mum to give the best protection I could. I had to use formula for top ups for 10 weeks and even that had me feeling like a total failure, which I know is bonkers. I am now breastfeeding and all is well but I totally feel for you and would probably be in a similar state of mind about it had I not been able to keep going. Had I also had a c section to contend with then I doubt I'd have got this far. It's such an emotional thing isn't it. You're doing brilliantly with a rough start.

Breastfeeding grief is a thing :( I'm sorry it didn't work out like you hoped and that you guys had a rough start. It didn't work out for me twice. First time round I was after a traumatic birth with many complications and medically it was impossible. Second time round, I knew much more about feeding but I struggled with latching due to tongue tie issues and made a more conscious decision to formula feed for convenience when I became frustrated with it.
I was disappointed but decided to look at the positives : feeding can be shared, feeds were more predictable, I'd managed to express some for a few weeks and I really consciously focused on bonding and cuddles. After 6 months my baby was eating food and it rarely comes up.
I'll always wish I'd breastfed but it wasn't right for our family. It sounds like you've been through a lot and tried everything.

Thank you all for your lovely and supportive messages. Im reading them in tears but also relief that what im feeling is somewhat normal.

I’ve reread my first post and feel like I must correct that I didn’t pump every 2 hrs for 2 minutes, it should be 20 minutes.

I wish that more than anything that once I start the weaning journey that the feelings will die down a bit but in the meantime im going to try and find some support. Im not sure if I have PND, but after reading about breastfeeding grief it’s really resonated with me. Thank you all who have messages so far, I really do appreciate your kindness so, so much.

Oh OP, it sounds like you've had such a tough ride with this. I've not got any advice based on experience I'm afraid but hopefully can offer support and a virtual hug.

I can absolutely understand your feelings around being able to bf and you're clearly struggling to come to terms with it. It's not always as simple as 'fed is best'. Obviously it's fundamentally true - baby is happy, healthy, you're doing brilliantly with ff and she doesn't know any different. But it matters to you and your feelings around it are as valid as anything else. It's ok to not be feeling ok about it but I'd definitely see if you can access some help. Like pp said, maybe talking to one of the breastfeeding helplines. The NCT one is really good and they'd be a listening ear and be able to help you talk it through. It might be worth contacting the hospital to have a debrief with a midwife about your experience in hospital, as I think this is clearly troubling you and leaving you with a lot of 'what ifs'. I can sympathise with having multiple different midwives over many days, all with different advice and techniques, it was really difficult and confusing which definitely wouldn't have helped.

I imagine time will eventually be a healer but please talk to someone, even your GP if you don't start feeling better. You're obviously a fantastic mum, doing the best you possibly can for your daughter. I wish you the best of luck.

Similar story for me. Honestly it took ages to come to terms with it all. By that I mean certainly until he started school . Only now that he’s in juniors am I genuinely able to reflect that he’s fine and the bond we have couldn’t be any better if he was BF.

@mariebaby3 Just wanted to send virtual hugs. Your feelings are perfectly normal and it sounds like you are grieving.

I'm sorry you had this experience. I'm a former breastfeeding counsellor and total breastfeeding enthusiast, but if I'd been through what you experienced, I'd be formula feeding, too. This isn't a 'failure' on your part - it's adapting to the circumstances you and your baby find yourselves in. That's what a 'good' mother does. You've done it. Grieving for what you didn't get to do is perfectly reasonable but occasionally give yourself a pat on the back for being the woman who did everything she could under her circumstances.

There is a book by Amy Brown called Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma matter, you might find it helpful.

It may also be worth booking a debrief/counselling session with an IBCLC who can help you process this experience.

Sounds like you did fantastically in very, very challenging circumstances. It is not you that failed, many things worked against you. You asked whether constant access to your baby and a different method of supplementation would have given you a better shot - quite possibly, although there could have been other underlying issues. It sounds like the support was extremely chaotic and not well organised at all. You could not have been expected to navigate through that even if you had read all the books in the world.

It sounds like you made a truly heroic effort, and got your milk to your baby in the first few days when it's most important. Please don't be hard on yourself - you tried so hard and did so well.