Undermining my decisions

[Frustratedmama1]

Does anyone else have this problem?

When I was pregnant I decided to have my daughter at home. My mum said, this was dangerous and why would I want to do that.

I decided to breastfeed, every time my daughter hasn't slept well or has gone through periods of cluster feeding my mother has said it's "not normal" and told me point blank to feed her formula and she will sleep better despite my saying I didn't want to. I told her when I was pregnant that I saw a lady feeding whilst I was out for lunch and "that would be me soon" she said something along the lines of "oh no you're not going to do that in a public place?!" she's always saying if I want to go out I should cover up the babies head with a blanket, I said no it's boiling hot and I won't do it. I actually have found this really upsetting because I'm a FTM and didn't know anything about breastfeeding it's made me doubt myself and feel very alone. I've also purposefully stopped myself from going out because she's knocked my confidence and made me feel like people will be nasty to me.

I'm now getting excited about weaning and said I'll be starting at 6 months because that's what's recommended nowadays . She does this smug smile and said "well it's not done anyone any harm being fed earlier" well actually they've done studies and it HAS done some people harm which is why they've recommended from around 6 months. Obviously a parent can decide to do it earlier but we're in no rush so I'm happy just to wait. I've done some reading and thought it would be fun and more convenient to do baby led weaning. Guess what. That's a problem too. "You can't do that she'll choke" like I'm some kind of moron who hasn't even bothered to do any research. Then she starts going on about rusks again "well we started off with rusks" she goes on about them so much ?? What is the obsession with them. I said I don't want to give those to her because they have refined sugar.

Yes I was born in a hospital, formula fed and my mum started weaning me at 4 months with rusks. Yes I am fine. But why can't I make my own choices about MY child without the criticism? Some of my choices are the same as hers (choosing not to do cry it out for example) and some are different.

Believe it or not we're actually very close. I told her a few weeks ago, everything that she thinks I do well with my daughter, I've only done so well because she has done such a good job. I think my mum is fantastic, I have always looked up to and emulated her in many ways. But why can't I find my own way as a parent without all the snide comments?? It's not a snub on her choices, it doesn't mean I think she did anything wrong (I don't think that at all in fact) it just means I want to do it like this.

Any one else had this? How can I make it stop? I don't want this the whole time I'm raising my daughter, I feel like it's driving a wedge between us.

I think you just need to tell her how you feel. It's not a reflection on her parenting but since she's had you, there's been an awful lot of research done and because of this the advice to parents has changed a little.

She didn't do anything wrong and neither are you, you are both following the best advice at the times and that's a good thing.

If she still keeps on after you've told her this, just develop a thicker skin and repeat "it works for us" every single time.

I'd just tell her straight how her comments make you feel. I find that when it comes to parenting, everyone thinks they're an expert and when they're also your mother, they find it a lot easier to be critical without thinking about how those comments make you feel. Just be honest, it sounds like you have an otherwise close bond so hopefully she'll take your comments on board.

It’s so frustrating, isn’t it? I think our parents (understandably) want to feel like they did everything right for us, and therefore if you decide to do things differently it can feel like an implied criticism of the way you were raised. It isn’t, of course, but people get very defensive about parenting.

Since you’re close I would try having a heart to heart. Explain that you appreciate she did her absolute best for you and that you think she did a great job, but it’s your turn to parent now and there is updated advice which you’re choosing to follow. Explain that it makes you feel undermined and lacking in confidence when she doesn’t back your decisions.

Hopefully she will realise then how it’s making you feel.

When I as a child, there were no seatbelts in the back of cars. Parents would squeeze 5 kids in the back seat. My friend had a hatchback, and as little kids we’d climb into the boot area and ride with her retriever.
People often held babies on their laps in cars. Kids didn’t wear helmets riding their bikes on pavements, we’d sit on each other’s handlebars for fun. Playgrounds had huge metal slides and climbing frames over concrete. Children were often spanked. Babies were given sugary Rusks to chew on for hours. I had a Fisher Price telephone with a long cord I could have strangled on, and I slept in a cot with such widely spaced slats I had to learn not to push my head through the gaps. For some reason, my mum used to let me eat raw sausage meat. And yes I grew up just fine. But that doesn’t mean any of this was safe or advisable.

Things move on. Tell your mum to button it, or just continuously point out the evidence to explain why her thinking has become outdated.

Yep. My mother is the same. I just smile and say 'yeah' and then do whatever the f I like. She was telling me today about weaning before 6 months and how we were all on solids before then. I just smiled and said cool that's great as I know it would turn into an argument otherwise. She doesn't know what to make of it when I just nod and smile.

I don’t know why but both my parents are also like this. It’s like they can’t cope with science changing and advice/guidance being different. I keep bringing it back to the car seat situation because my mum always used to be snide about our parenting decisions so is just come back every time with.. ‘yes, science has developed in the last 3 decades luckily that’s why we have fantastic car seats and we don’t bring babies home in a basket on the front seat.‘

Some seem to see it as a personal attack if you don’t follow their word or whatever.

Just stick to your guns and carry on doing what ever you want.