Irrational Guilt and Sadness

[UnexpectedMumGuilt]

I have a 4 week old little boy, whom I have EBF’d .

During my pregnancy, I had planned to go with the flow with feeding - but thought I’d probably express at some point - I was very much in the ‘fed is best’ camp.

However, Breastfeeding has largely gone well (aside from a few bumps in the road, fixed by perseverance, help from midwives and feeding team helpline etc). I am far more proud of myself than I ever thought I would be with breastfeeding and it means more to me than I thought it would - i feel really invested in it.

DP has had no prior exposure to BF - his family all formula fed and that is the norm to him. He has been really keen from the off to have DS have a bottle.

I have a huge stash of EBM in the freezer - pretty much just from expressing off engorgement during our bumps in the road and catching my letdown from opposite boob in those Haaka shell things.

Up til now I had resisted and just put it off - but tonight I caved and DH gave LO a bottle of EBM. It was lovely to see them together and share their moment - but I can’t help feeling sad, like it’s ruined mine and LO’s relationship and that I no longer feel the pride I had in myself for EBF.
I’m kicking myself because it hasn’t even benefitted me or DS, only DH - it’s not like I was unable to BF him for that feed or whatever, I was sat waiting in the next room.
He used a Medela Calma teat so shouldn’t have even interfered with breastfeeding too much and LO had a very short BF straight after his bottle before falling to sleep.

I know it sounds silly but I just needed to tell someone and share how I feel - honestly feel like I’ve ruined our breastfeeding journey and not can’t shake it.

Why do you feel you have ruined breastfeeding? You can still carry on.
Mine were formula fed from day one (by choice) and one of the huge benefits was that it didn’t have to be me who did the feeds. DH, family and friends all had their turn. One of my favourite pictures is of DFil giving DS a bottle. DFil was jet lagged from flying all night to come over to visit but the look in his eyes giving his grandson a bottle was priceless.

As silly as it sounds - because I feel I can no longer say he is EBF.

And that really surprises me because I honestly didn’t think I’d ever mind how my baby was fed as long as they were happy and well.

I know my ILs feel a bit deprived of feeding their DGS and my OH definitely did - hence why he had the bottle - but I didn’t realise that I’d feel like this. I don’t feel like I’ve got any freedom like I thought I would - I just feel like I’ve let myself down.

I appreciate this sounds really pathetic and self indulgent. I just didn’t expect to feel this way.

I’m desperate for LO to wake to feed to show we can still BF.

Sorry I can’t help you. I was pleased I decided to use formula - healthy babies and happy parents so don’t get the importance to you of saying he is EBF.

Of course you can still say he’s EBF. Look at the WHO website. The definition of EBF is that a baby only recovers breastmilk in the first 6 months of life, then continues with food. The bottle contained breastmilk, therefore your baby is still EBF. It doesn’t matter that it came from a bottle.

www.who.int/elena/titles/exclusive_breastfeeding/en/

*recieves

He's still EBF if it's your milk!
I'd be pleased he has taken a bottle so easily as many wouldn't. Will make your life easier in the long run if he can be that flexible.

Give yourself a break, 4 weeks in you’re probably still full of up and down hormones and I’m guessing shattered too.
You may not see it as a benefit now but trust me it will be long term for you, we introduced a bottle at 3 weeks and on bad days my partner packed me off to bed early and did the last feed and I had some glorious sleep.
I also have a friend who’s EBF and her LO, but he’s completely refusing a bottle and she’s desperate to leave him for a few hours to go out but shes not been able to so far. She said she wished she’d done a bottle a day from early on.
Don’t waste time stressing, pregnant you would tell you to go with the flow by the sound of it 😊
Plus what else are you going to do with that freezer stash? I’m still working my way through mine 5 months later ha

Lots of mums exclusively feed their babies expressed milk, I don’t know how, I found expressing a massive faff, but they do an incredible job and their babies still get the benefits of their mum’s milk.

I might be reaching here so ignore me if I am, but is this about feeling that breastfeeding your son is being threatened given how unsupportive your partner and in laws have been, and your partner now knows your baby will take a bottle?

It shouldn’t matter to your partner what anyone else fed their babies, you’re his partner, his child’s mum and you’re willing and able to breastfeed, which is the best start for your baby. Is he one of those men who thinks he can’t bond unless he’s giving the baby a bottle?

You sound really upset. You’ve only just had a baby, that’s massive, getting to grips with breastfeeding can be completely overwhelming. Give yourself a break. Use kind language to describe yourself. Beating yourself up or catastrophising isn’t helpful to you. You’re doing brilliantly, your son is thriving, your hard work is paying off and it’s a good thing if your baby can happily take a bottle in case your partner needs to feed him one day. You don’t have to do it often and you certainly don’t need to let other people have a go, he’s a baby, not a doll.

Chin up.

Hi OP. Congratulations on your baby, and as PPs have said, he is absolutely EBF! He has had nothing but your milk. Well done, it can be difficult at the beginning! If giving a bottle makes you feel this awful, just don't put yourself through it again. Just quote the advice about avoiding teats etc in the early days, to your DH, if need be.

How are you feeling today? Try not to worry or become preoccupied with how it made you feel. Hormones going haywire in the early days and weeks are responsible for any emotions that seem extreme to you! They find an outlet somewhere.. If not with this, than with something else! All completely normal. The hormones are there to help you bond with your baby.

P. S. There are many other lovely ways your partner can bond with baby. My DH gets lovely sleepy cuddles with our babies, after I've fed them. He changes nappies, he does the baths. He goes for walks and carries them in a sling. Feeding, by breast or bottle, is just one of many, many ways of bonding.

Women who exclusively pump breast milk and feed it to their babies in bottles still ebf, it's not how they get the milk that defines ebf, it's that it's all breast milk, so your son is still ebf. I understand the emotions, when bf works out it can be very empowering and healing, and you're worried about anything that might jeopardise that, especially when he's still so tiny and so far away from getting other sources like food and water. If you're not comfortable with DH doing it often just let him know, soon enough you'll be okay with it or it'll be needed while you go somewhere.

P. P. S. The breastfeeding relationship has obviously turned out to be very important to you, something I completely understand. The strong feelings you have experienced will allow you to know and understand your boundaries. Your DH and in-laws will need to understand this.

1. Be kind to yourself
2. You're doing amazing
3. Whether from the bottle or breast, you're baba is ebf
4. You've established that you loooove breastfeeding, so speak with DH about how you want to minimise the bottles?
5. Enjoy being a mama