Broken about giving up BF due to poor weight gain

[TheMamma]

Supply has been intermittent possibly due to traumatic birth and we've been combi feeding for 7 weeks. I've got obsessed with trying to EBF or up supply but nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is helping.

Today we had everything measured and LO just isn't gaining the weight. I'm doing the right thing going to 100% formula aren't I... I mean there's no doubt about it, the data is there. I'm just so gutted and distraught. I've been mulling over this for a fortnight and it always brings me to tears.

Anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Yes, happened to me too. I can understand how you feel. One thing that was offered to me, which I didn't actually do was a thing where the formula is in a bag with a very fine tube. The tube is taped to your breast and as baby suckles, it gets the formula, plus your milk and stimulates your milk supply at the same time. This means less effort for baby - no breast then bottle, and is quicker too. As I said, I didn't try this for other reasons, but it sounded worth trying. But if formula turns out to be best for your baby, just remember you are feeding them and meeting their needs. Plus they will have had the benefit from colostrum. I'm sorry you had a traumatic birth.

Hi @TheMamma, I had a hard time breastfeeding my DS. Our issues weren't weight gain but I had cracked nipples and thrush for the first 6 weeks so the breastfeeding was agony and affected supply. I was also suffering from PND (I realised this after the fact) and had terrible anxiety. DS had silent reflux so wouldn't sleep lying down, or only for 1/2 hour at a time. At 2 months I was so exhausted and mentally unwell that DH suggested we supplement with formula. That was the first time DS slept for 4 hours in one go so we continued feeding him formula for his evening feed for another 6 weeks. At that point I got a ripping case of mastitis and my supply kept dwindling despite trying to build it up. DS started preferring the bottle because it was easier than the breast. That made us decide to switch to formula 100% but I remember feeling devastated at the time. I kept second-guessing my decision and wondering if I'd really given it my best shot. It really affected my self-esteem because I had planned on being the 'earth-mother' type that breastfed until DS was a teen .
I wish I could go back to that time and give myself a big hug and say 'You did the best you could and that is fine. Your baby won't know the difference so just feed him however you can. Enjoy this time and try not to worry, DS is absolutely fine.'
I don't feel qualified to answer whether you should or shouldn't go 100% to formula but either way your LO will love you just as much and will be just as healthy as if you didn't. Sorry, that is a bit of a novel.
for you, I hope it gets easier and congratulations on new baby!

Honestly don't beat your self up 7 weeks of bm is amazing! And baby got colostrum!.
As a mum of 2 who lasted only days bf and has now let go of the guilt and sadness the only thing that matters is the baby is thriving and growing. You are providing baby with a nutritious milk.
We all do better at some parts of parenting than others and soon enough you will be concerned with the next stages. And remember there will be women breastfeeding out there who are really down and exhausted and would love to move to formula. The grass isn't always greener
Good luck

You do not have to give up! I still bf DS for comfort and to sleep for naps and at night and even through the night until we’ll over 2! We had to start supplementing almost straight away as he was jaundiced and it was clearing up and he never came off the breast - I literally mean I did not sleep for 24 hours at one point. I always offered breast each feed time for around 10 / 15 mins, any longer they will waste energy trying to feed and then gave formula.

With DD I tried to solely BF and she’d only gained 300g over her birth weight by 11 weeks! Wish I’d just done both with her from the start, she is still tiny and I blame myself. Still breastfeeding her and she’s 2! She’s a boob monster even though she has to have formula too. She doesn’t anymore obviously but she still nurses as much as she can.

Have you spoken to a breastfeeding counsellor? There is support out there. Your baby is still very young, with the right support and guidance there is a good chance you may be able to improve things. If you check with your nearest Child and Family centre they may well be able to put you in touch with someone.

@Shantotto well I've been trying both but she's just not gaining enough so I have to watch what she's consuming carefully I think. I think she was getting 'empty' calories breastfeeding.. Probably sucking nothing or very little, getting tired and then not feeding enough from the bottle?

@TheMamma I don’t think my DS (the one with jaundice) got much hence the constant feeding but he would happily feed away as he liked it so I assume he was getting a small amount and then would take the formula after fine. I don’t think they’d be getting empty calories but she could be getting tired. If you do top up that could give her energy to also have breast sometimes? I would look for some specialised bf support and ask them about how they would go about combo feeding. I’m sure someone can help. Luckily both mine were never too tired to not want to drink the formula although DD would only ever drink about half of what I offered her. If baby will still latch and wants the comfort from it I’m sure you can do it for sleep or just in between feeds to keep the relationship going even if the majority of calories come from formula. Of course you might not want to feed to sleep! See if someone can help with a plan to do both. I tried absolutely everything and spent a fortune on lactation consultants, tongue tie snipping and cranial osteopathy but it never improved but like I say I managed to keep it going which sounds important to you!

OP, I'm sorry you're struggling. Has your baby been assessed for tongue tie? Both anterior and posterior (harder to spot and often gets missed)?

Don’t ever feel guilty about using formula. I used it from day one - healthy babies and happy parents.
You need to enjoy your lovely baby and not be upset about their feeding. Formula gives babies an excellent start in life- I know I’m having breakfast with my 6’2 100% formula fed DS. As healthy as you could wish for.

There is nothing wrong with 100% FF but if you are unhappy about stopping BF so early keep going and give a bottle as well.

I thought tongue tie when you said this. I had ds2 TT snipped at similar age, everyone had said there wasn't one or if there was it was bearly noticeable and not impeding tongue function. However his weight gain rocketed after the snip. It was quick and easy and made all the difference. I'd look into this.

Little babies are often just bad at feeding. You keep going and they get better.

There is so much emphasis on breast feeding that I'm not surprised you are feeling down about not being able to continue. A friend of mine was encouraged to at least try, even after explaining to the midwife she'd had nipple reconstruction! All of the stories we are told about childhood obesity and allergies in bottle fed babies should be treated with caution. My DD was exclusively breast and has hay-fever, asthma, lactose intolerance, mild gluten intolerance. My DS was a nipple biter so I gave up breast with him PDQ. He has a stomach of steel.
Bottle is fine, and don't beat yourself up. If you are feeling low please speak to your midwife / health visitor / doctor.

With DC3, she still hadn't regained birth weight by 7 weeks of breastfeeding. I'd paid for a lactation consultant, been to so many breastfeeding groups, and there was no reason for her lack of weight gain. She was just sleepy/lazy (obviously - she was starving and had no energy to stay awake!!)

Switched to formula and it was the best thing I ever did. I had a happy, healthy, smiley baby who loved her milk. She stopped looking like an undernourished little bird.

I breastfed my first two DC exclusively to 6 months, and you wouldn't know any difference in my kids. If anything, DC1 is my most sickly/allergic child, where as my formula fed DC3 never gets ill. She's generally faster/stronger/smarter than her big siblings were at that age.

And there was zero difference in our bond. If anything, I could breastfeed and just needed one hand to hold baby, so the other hand was always holding my phone to read Mumsnet, or reading my kindle. Whereas bottle feeding DC3 took both hands, so I looked at her and smiled and made eye contact through every feed, and she's my little BFF.

Choosing what's best for your child, even if it's not what you wanted, is what makes you a great mum. Not breastfeeding them when it's no longer in their best interest

Thank you so much for the comments everyone, really what I needed to hear ❤️❤️❤️

I look back on my 20 weeks with my son and I’m so sad at how much I beat myself up over breastfeeding, we never quite got it right. Tongue tie, reflux, long feeds (even after TT was fixed), fussing, frequent feeds. I so much just wanted it to be a loving experience that I’ve seen so many mums have. But as much as I’ve had some lovely feeds I too have sat crying my eyes out with guilt when I should of been enjoying my baby (or better yet, having a nap!)
At 3 weeks I introduced 1 bottle of formula and have upped it every few weeks to now where I only feed if he wakes up in the night. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’m so much happier now and so is my boy. He loves his bottles and he’s flourishing.
I’m still such a supporter of breastfeeding but I think women in our situation need more reassurance that if it doesn’t work out or you’re not happy it’s ok to change to formula.
You’ve done so well to even attempt it, now go and enjoy your baby 😊

Thank you @Piccalily19 xx

I think your hormones do mad things to your head just as you’re stopping breastfeeding. And honestly it passes within a day or two. Even when you’ve been feeding a long time!

My gran never produced much milk, not enough to feed my mum and her sibling. Her sister had babies of a similar age and plenty of supply so she used to top her up.

It really annoys me when I hear lines like "why do babies suddenly need formula top ups in my grandparents day they all had enough milk for dozens of children with no problems!". The biggest difference between then and now is not all of your neighbours have kids at the same time and the idea of wet nursing isn't as common! You wouldn't know any difference between my mum and her cousins. My other gran flat out refused to breast feed saying formula is the only natural way to feed a baby.

We live in a very privileged world where there is lots of breastfeeding support but also very privileged to have lovely clean water and easy access to formula. It is great to want to breastfed. It is great to want to formula feed. Also it's perfectly OK to realise that breastfeeding isn't working for you. If you aren't ready to move over completely up the amount of formula you give, decide if there are any feeds you want to keep doing by breast. If the answer is none there are lots of other opportunities for mummy cuddles that have nothing to do with the breast.

How can you give your little one the best of you?

I have a 10 month old we are predominantly breastfeeding (about 90+%) I really wish I had been kinder to myself and at least accept combi feeding earlier. I'm stuck breastfeeding as she doesn't like the bottle and the hypoallergenic formula she has tastes rough. I have had severe pnd and by continuing to breast feed and not put my own wellbeing as on my priority list at all she probably has got less of me than she should of. My HV says it's amazing how well she is doing considering the dark hole I have been in. Milk is definitely one of many things you can give your baby. In another 12 months know one will ask or care how you feed your little one. It's not like it is something you show off on your CV. Skills "I successfully use my mums nipples as food and comfort source for 3 months 17 days and 7 hours" aged 0 years.

Good luck! Whatever you decide know the decision wasn't made lightly, you have worked hard to figure out what is best for both of you. All options mean you love your little one very much x

Look, it’s ok to be upset but being “broken, gutted and distraught “ is over the top.
Babies don’t read the parenting books and nothing will ever be as you imagined, especially if you have an idealised view of it.
You are ok, your baby will be ok so if you do need to give up BF don’t beat yourself up over it. Life is a roller coaster with kids and it will always be that way - there are incredible highs and lows so you need to accept that some things are beyond your control no matter how hard you try and how much you want to do things a certain way.
FF is ok if that’s what you need to do - I have 2 amazing dc aged 16 and 12 who were bottle fed from day one so believe me your baby will be ok