Help! I'm getting negative comments from my MIL about breast feeding.

[PocketTasha]

I am 30ish weeks pregnant with my second child. My Husband is not my first sons dad, and there for not her grandchild and when he was small she wasn't on the scene. I breastfed him for about 4/5 months before he decided that beakers were more interesting! He weaned early and unfortunatly i couldn't get the hang of expressing full time, i needed him for the let down reflex. So he had formula for a month which he didn't really like and straight to cows milk at six months, with lots of vitamin supliments, and already three meals a day! I got loads of support feeding my son, my partner at the time was keen for me to do it and i wanted to even more, infact i was quite upset when it stopped, i was just following what my baby wanted. And Family were great, my dad was a little uncomfortable about seeing me do it. He would wander about aimlessly and stare at the floor while talking to me. But me and my mum used to find it funny, cos he was really trying hard. And my partners family were great, hi dad didn't bat an eyelid and at times when i felt a bit uncomfy (in the early stages) his mum would come sit with me if i took myself to another room. This time round i can alredy see things being really different. When my MIL initaily brought up breastfeeding with me it was with a well i suppose you could give it a go attitude. She was quite shocked when i told her that my son had been soley bf for four months. She says she tried but wasn't making enough milk?! I know it's hard for some women and it was a different day and age etc. But she said she gave up after two weeks. So she doesn't get it. The major blow came the other day when she was telling of her disgust at a woman she saw bf in the job centre (where she works). She said that she was walkinng past ans dall of a sudden this woman holding a new born baby pulled out her breast and all she saw was a huge nipple disapear into the baby's mouth. I said "So she wasn't exposed for long then" but she said that's not the point she was out in the middle of everyone! She was met with a mixed reaction from family. My husband didn't say anything at first just shook his head, her mother agreed totally saying that although it's been proved that mothers milk is best that you really should do it in public! (very weird view). I said nothing more until My husbands Grandad spoke up and said, for heavens sake woman if a child is hungry you fees it! It doesn't make a difference if you are on a bus! To which me and my husband said exactly! But now knowing her attitude makes me feel uneasey about when it comes to feeding in front of her. If my baby needs fed i'll feed it! But i don't want feel uncomfortable. Strange how now i think i'd be more comfortable feeding my new baby infront of my husbands grandad! I don't know if i should talk to her about it or what... The subject was left hanging.

Dear PocketTasha, I wouldn't worry about feeling uncomfortable freeding in front of your MIL. My guess she might be jealouse because she couldn't bf? As for her finding it disgusting if women bf in public... well, DON'T LOOK! As your DH grandad said... if bub is hungry, feed him/her!

I tried bf and in the beginning felt a bid weird 'doing' it in front of my dad, who was visiting, but after the first couple of feeds I just didn't care anymore . Unfortunately didn't produce enough milk, so ds started loosing weight after 2 weeks, so HV advised to 'top him up' with the bottle. Of course then ds decided bf was way too much hard work...

So go with what you feel comfy with!

My mother-in-law couldn't breastfeed and when I had my first baby I was a bit nervous about feeding in front of her and my FIL. At first they were a bit shy themselves but they soon saw what a wonderful thing it was. So much so that they became breastfeeding converts. My MIL is also able to give her neices advice on B/F problems. Your MIL will soon come round when she sees B/F in action at close quarters.

two words for your MIL. The second is off. Do what works for you. Your first child is all the proof you need.

PocketTasha I remember negative, unhelpful often ridiculous comments when I breastfed but I hadn't been prepared. You are prepared so you are one step ahead. Stay strong and do what is right for you and your baby. Ask her if her problem is that she only sees breasts as sexual objects that might shut her up... or maybe not.

Seriously though in my experience the only way to deal with people like this is to prove them wrong, be firm, be fair but don't let her undermine you as its breastfeeding now & what will it be next?

Good luck

My mil was also a bit slow to accept bf as it meant she couldn't feed the baby. When she visited she would hover over me saying oh she's had enough and try to take the baby away from me. When ds was born she kept quiet as I had fed dd for 6 months so she knew it worked. She then admitted she could not bf her 3 boys at all but funnily enough she has now started saying she did feed all 3 for a little while . I think your mil will change once you are actually bf.

I actually had more trouble from SIL - when we would visit dh's family in Scotland she would tell me how bf was disgusting and shudder and leave the room. I just laughed - she refused to even try bf either of her dd's and they were both premature. My opinion of this was never voiced however

I don't think my FIL had ever seen anyone breastfeed before my youngest was born (the oldest never did). My SILs would always go into different rooms to feed their babies. Not me. If my baby was hungry (which was almost always for thr first few months) I was going to feed her. I wasn't going to be banished to another room. I never said anything, just got on with it, and he never said anything either. He seemed uncomfortable at first, but it seemed like he got more used to it.

I don't think you need to say anything to your MIL - when your baby is hungry feed it.

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Sozie --- ROFL. I've just remembered my MIL's inconsistent stories on exactly this subject. at one point before the birth she definitely said she'd only bottlefed, then after she saw me breastfeeding DD she changed her tune and said she had done a bit of both! i know it was purely wishful thinking, and in a way i should have taken it as a compliment, but boy, it drove me mad

Just remember whatever your MIL says about breastfeeding / formula feeding SHE'S WRONG

the only one who can decide what is right for your child is you

The WHO advised breastfeeding solely up to 6 months (and beyond)

Your MIL had children in an age when they were encouraged to use formula instead, if she wasn't making enough milk its because she wasn't given the support and knowledge that she needed (The more you feed the more milk you produce)

nowadays people go to great lengths to breastfeed because it gives their child the best possible start in life

DO NOT FEEL ALONE .. we all have well-meaning friends / relatives who butt in .. learn to say 'mm that's interesting, I'll think about it'

This "It disgusts me" argument really confuses me. What about babies & young children (& pregnancy for that matter) isn't disgusting? They puke on you, they have double-barreled snotty noses. They wee for England. Weird things occasionally ooze out their ears. They drool, they happily eat their own poop and any old bit of disgusting rubbish off the floor. There's nobody else to clean up the vomit when they get a tummy bug, so you have to do it.

When you have a child you face years of poopy nappies, and several more years of wiping bottoms and smelly accidents.

But no, all that is ok, but God Forbid you disgust somebody by daring to feed them the way God intended (not that I'm religious, but honestly could there be more authority on the subject?)? And breastfeeding means that you should face less sicked up milk, vomit, snotty noses, etc. -- ie, less of all the other mucky yucky stuff.

Ok, rant over.
You know it's the right thing, PocketT. Just smile sweetly & ignore her.

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I never feed my dd, wasn't interested and didn't want to, but when my ds was born I wanted to give it a go, I really enjoyed it, but I was met with a negative response from ALL of mine & dh family.

My dh used to say, (if I was tired) 'well its your own fault if you werent feeding then I could help, nobody gave me support, in the end I gave up at 8 weeks and was very upset by it.

My MIL said it was 'disgusting' (her exact words) and I remember my grandad died and my dh had to stay behind to look after ds, I was only gone about an hour, but my MIL said 'well if you werent intent on feeding him yourself, I could have had him for the day, looking right down her nose at me.

You must do what you want to do and whats best for your baby, stuff everyone else, if your happy and baby is happy, do it. I was so upset when I gave up when I did, but at least I know that I started off giving him the best, so I have no regrets about that.

I also had some strange things re: my MIL and BFing. Some of which has made me very sad as I get on really well with her (usually, and always prior to having my DD). She says (too much) that she was a "failure" at bfing. She had 5 children, and could only do 2-3 weeks w each). When my DD was small, she would hover and take my DD from me when I was going to switch breasts to "burp her" for sometimes 45 minutes!!! It really interrupted the feeds. I really had to learn to stand up for myself and find ways to firmly, but kindly tell her what I needed. It's better now and I get lots of help from her when she visits, but I have to be clear and repeat what I need over and over. And I have to remember that her comments on BF and other parenting issues probably stem from her own insecurities (this is confirmed by my DH, who loves his parents, but knows no one is perfect...)

Good luck and stay strong. Btw, I've bf my DD on the London Tube more than once. Got some smiles and a few looks of disgust, but then they realized it was better than a screaming baby.

PS: I had an apt for a refill prescrip (for mini-pill) on Monday and the nurse said to me: "Still nursing? Well, get her off soon or she'll be poking you in places she shouldn't in public!" And then she laughed and said, "I sometimes see patients who nurse their babies til they are 3 or 4 and it makes my stomach turn." I was horrified. It wasn't until I was leaving that she mentioned she never had any kids herself... Sometimes I think people think it's "disgusting" bc it helps them cope w what they've missed.

its your MIL's problem, not yours

if she's uncomfortable with it, she can always get up and use her feet to take her body somewhere else

Oh mother in laws - mine didn't feed dh, fed his sister a little and his brother more (but not exclusively). She was obsessed with my nipples "are they sore?" "are the cracked?" but I think that she was actually just obsessing about her own 30 years later. She actually kept trying to have a look, but I think she was more interested than weird, I'm quite happy to show a pregnant person or another mum how I do it in the interests of education, it was just odd showing her , after all what is she going to do with the information ?

My own mum though breastfeeding was best, but you shouldn't flaunt it in restaurants. She changed her tune when she realised that if she didn't loosen up she wouldn't see her grandson as I went out all the time after he was born and she was only in NZ for 3 weeks. I don't think she was thrilled about me feeding on a seat in the shopping mall rather than finding the parenting room, but she coped.

Now I'm breastfeeding a 20 month old her initial disgust about feeding in a restaurant probably seems a little silly. However she has been pretty good - I think she has given up on me!

Your dh's Grandad sounds like the man, I would use him as your ally. Ignore everything she says about bfing - she knows nothing, and any comments are only about her and what she did.

I remember DH making me go to Costa coffee to feed our first DD and although I was nervous he said he didn't see why I should have to go and find some smelly feeding / changing room, or a disabled toilet (FGS) when all our baby wanted was a feed the way nature intended... I think he was just ITCHING for someone to make an issue, so he could rebuke them loudly and angrily! Of course, noone ever even noticed as far as I could tell! I have fed everywhere since then!

My father just kept leaving the room - but I kept telling him not to be so ridiculous and eventually he also did the wait until baby firmly latched and top back down, and then he could just about manage.

Luckily I had a lot of support - but I still get angry when I hear these sorts of attitudes.

Tell her to leave the room if she finds it uncomfortable - don't YOU ever leave where is most comfortable for you to feed!!!

Word, Zebra. I'd never thought of it that way, but breastfeeding is the least disgusting thing to do with babies.

Even if your MIL is supportive (mine is, broadly), they can still be trouble. DS1 wasn't great at gaining, and she hassled me to supplement. "What, you don't give him a bottle? Never?" Even worse, she tried to micromanage things ... "Hasn't he had long enough on that side?"

Oh, the joys of marrying into a family of doctors.

Mil was a long term bfeeder but now sees bottlefeeding to be a sign of prosperity and fashion so would be much happier had I bottlefed.

Hi all, you guys have all made me realise something, so thank you. Bearing in mind the way my mil is, over bearing at times, over doting on he two sons, she can't help herself and drives my husband crazy. She'll go totally bonkers if she has to miss out on her precious grandchild for ten seconds if she REALLY can't cope with seeing me bf! She is going to hate it! And therefor will have to suffer! Either by coping with not being on top of her grandchild or by gritting her teeth and watching me feed! I know it's mean, but i get an odd pleasure from knowing how much the situation will make her sqirm! One thing tho, it's sounds like an odd thing to say but i DO have worries about getting the knack to feed discretely in public. This is one thing i didn't ever quite master, always felt a little awkward with my son. Reason being that i do have kind of big breasts, makes the whole thing a lot more... clumsy. Does anyone have any tips? tecnique or something? I'm not desperatly stressed about it i just want to be able to feed longer this time around. thanks again everyone.

PT, glad you have decided to stuff your MIL so to speak.
I have a large rack and when ds1 was over 3 months and from the beginning with ds2 I used to take them on to my bed, close the door and lie down and feed them. You have to prop yourself up on your elbow and put baby on his side, tummy to tummy and let enormous bosom rest on the bed or cup it with your other hand.
It gets really really easy as they get older.

HTH

Funnily enough ds1 was a real snacker and I fed him in public all over the show, but ds2 is a strict routine boy and I always managed to feed him in privacy. If your first boy is over 2.5 it should be possible to sit him in front of Cbeebies while you feed the other one in peace.

Suzy I always wondered how people managed to always breastfeed in private and still get out of the house from time to time. Must be because my breast-fed daughter was also a snacker and was constantly (or so it seemed) feeding.

PocketTasha - well done on sticking to your guns on this one - it really is a generational thing. Women who were mums in the 50s-70s were brainwashed into thinking bottles were the height of modernity and oh-so-fashionable, so now tend to think b/f mums are slightly dippy hippies (or at least my mum does )

I fed ds for 17 mths and I was a 34J while feeding if that's any reassurance? I took a muslin cotton cloth to cover up any of my vast stomach - I was more embarrassed about that than my boobs, bizarrely. Also - I found chairs with arms are vital if you want to be comfy and disceet. Or use your humungous change bag as an arm rest. Baby's will cover even most of the biggest boob and just bring your top down to about a cm above their nose. Nursing bras with clips are hideous but v useful. I always brought my top down first and fastened them from underneath.

And practice! I always asked my dh if I was "decent" - he was brilliantly supportive of me b/f and was determined for me to feel comfortable to carry on for as long as ds wanted to.

I'm really conscious about revealing anything bodywise so I can safely say I flashed no one at all and I've fed all over the place now. No comments ever, only some along the lines of "oh sorry I didn't realise you were feeding" [smug emoticon]

good luck!

I meant baby's head will cover...