Tiktok, Hunker, and any other bf-ing counsellors/lactation consultants/peer supporters...

[theUrbanDryad]

My new godson was born this morning via C-S! My bf (his mum) has already given him a bottle as she hadn't quite decided what to do with regards to bf-ing/ff-ing.

i know physically what needs to be done, if she wants to bf, but i could do with some help on the language i should use to encourage her. i don't want to pressure her, and i don't want to patronise her, so i could really use some help!!

thanks.

it would be worth getting some stuff of the internet re the advice given for making ff, as they now advise against making several feeds at a time, instead recommend that water is boiled fresh each time and feeds made as they are needed.Therefore how will she feel getting up 2/3 times a night to boil kettle, wait for it to cool a little, make up feed then coo it some more.

are there any celebs she likes? nancy sorrell, elle macpherson, britney spears, gwen stefani have all bf their babies.

try "you know i was reading that bf is great at helping you get your figure back, higher iq, less illnesses for baby etc"

good luck UD, i am sure you will support her whatever she decides but respect that it is her choice

Here's a good booklet to read yourself, I think its tone is quite level and fair IYSWIM, might give you some ideas.

glitter - the trouble is, i know what she's like. she'll say,"Well I made up feeds in advance for both my kids and they turned out ok!" i've told her that powdered infant formula isn't recommended for newborns but she doesn't want to know. she knows that bf-ing raises iq etc etc.

the thing is, there's very little you can do in the face of willful ignorance...

CSB - thanks for the link, will have a look now.

god I don't know, it's really difficult isn't it?
I would probably lay emphasis on the colostrum and what magic stuff it is, in terms of providing immunity from polio and flu and all manner of things quite dangerous for a newborn, plus in helping to get rid of jaundice.
and say what you could do to help if she wants to start

Hello.

Will post more later.

In meantime, look at the "About" section on my blog and see if there's anything there you can crib.

Good idea for an article though - will post something - can you add it as a comment on the What would you like to see thread, please? Something about how can you encourage friends to bf without them going off and whispering about how N-word you're being about it all...!

yeah harpsi, i think that's what i'll probably have to do i really hoped she'd give it a go this time. the trouble is 9(as i've said before in previous posts) she had a dreadful time with her ds1, and spent 10 weeks of hell trying to bf him then went onto bottles and had contented, happy baby. with dd she went straight to ff and had contented, happy baby. which experience is she likely to want to repeat?

that leaflet looks great CSB, will print it off for her. many thanks.

hi not that im an expert, but if it was my friend id prob just something along the lines of well why not give it a try, everydrop counts and even if you only do one bf its full of colostrum and will do the baby the world of good,and hope that the baby is a natural and your friend has a great experience
and then encourage her to just make it to a week then to two then three then round it up to a month then 6 weeks then 8 weeks and so on,
thats what helped me shes v lucky to have someone like you helping her

also i didnt know the powdered milk isnt reccomended for newborns, what age is the powdered milk ok from ? and why is this

UD, thing is, if she's decided she's happiest ffeeding and doesn't want to bf, it's her decision.

Having said that, I think I'd probably say something like:

I realise I might be speaking out of turn, but I wanted you to know that if you do want to try bfing, I'm here to support you and will help you with anything you need, be it information, entertaining your older children or making you cups of tea and bringing you biscuits.

Obviously I'll still do the entertaining, tea and biscuits for you if you decide not to bf, because you're my friend and I love you, but I don't want you to get 3 months into ffing and wish you'd tried bf.

I don't want you to feel forced into anything, I don't want you to be unhappy or begrudge breastfeeding, but have a think about it and see if you fancy giving it a try for a bit. I'm here for you, whatever you decide. Now, can I have a cuddle with the baby, please, because I need to sniff his head

Hi UD. Wish I could ever succeed at this. The longest any of my friends (exc friends made through having dd) have bf is about 6 weeks!

I was going to suggest pretty much the same as rrb - try and encourage her to do it one day at a time, not to set limits/targets of how long she wants to feed for, but just to take it one day at a time and see how she goes. Perhaps you could also suggest that if she decides now to ff, then she won't have the choice to go back and bf later, but if she decides to bf, then she can change her mind at any point.

Also remind her that a happy contended baby isn't the only thing that feeding is about. It's about giving them better health for their whole life (eg preventing obesity, diabetes etc), and that she could be risking long term health in favour of a 'quick fix'.

Aww hunker - that's lovely .

I don't think that laying it on about the benefits to the baby, etc will sway her, really. All you'll do by going "ooh, it's better for the baby" is risk the old "why are you trying to make me feel guilty" resentment rearing its head.

Interesting, isn't it? The reasons that lie behind feeding choice are fascinating to me.

I would suggest getting her talking about it.

Just bring it up in conversation, you know, "how are you, how is feeding going?" or if your relationship is a more direct one, "have you decided how you're going to feed him?"

You may find she says she hasn't decided. You might want to let her know - gently - that you have breastfed, and therefore have some knowledge of it if she wants to pick your brains.

I would let her ask questions of you and listen to them first and foremost, answering one at a time, rather than think - as is the temptation - "omg she's talking about bf now I must be really really enthusiastic and right here and now getting her leaning back and putting the baby on her and do biological nurturing and... and... [head explodes]"

Just be aware there is a chance she will say, "I'm bottle feeding, I've decided," and if she's made that decision then personally I would say it's probably not your place to try and talk her out of it, although of course it depends on your friendship.

(Am only trainee Peer Supporter though not proper bf counsellor or anything!!)

Oooh, I was getting twitchy reading this.....
But Hunker, the way you've worded that is lovely and respectful.
(I, personally don't feel she needs the subject broached at all... but I accept that I am none of the above named people, therefore my opinion was not requested).

Sorry UD, didn't realise she had previous experience of bfing typed post but had only read OP

Thanks, JV.

I don't think it's worth wrecking a friendship over. There are women who don't want to and never will bf, no matter what's said, for whatever reason. And that is utterly their right and has to be respected.

It's the women who desperately want to and are let down at every turn by those who are meant to be supporting them that I think are more in need of the "remember why you're doing this" pep talks about the benefits - plus, obviously, well-informed actual support!

Can I just say though, I'm not a trained bf person of any description. I'm just gobby

Me too hunker .

Why not talk to her about some cool breastfeeding tops that there are available now that were not readily available a few years ago. At least that will get you on the subject and you can say that if she feeds for longer then it works out as a good investment. (very gentle hint) Or maybe buy her a BF top. H&M do cheap ones, blooming marvellous and Jojo have a few too. Or you could browse page together" At least it is not an "in your face" approach????? I had a CS with both of mine and bf fine in case that is one of her worries. Maybe the scar is hurting. I know you can get a cs belt which could also help??

Just remembered, I had this issue with my SIL. She was very uncomfortable about talking about it but she had made her mind up and nothing anybody said would have helped. I felt like BF mafia without even saying anything. Still BB is all fine although he is massive at 5 months and also fully weaned on solids. Not necessarily what I would advise but I suppose each to their own.

I second all hunkermunker's wise words on this.

Congrats on new godson