Guilty, guilty, guilty

[walkie]

Does anyone have any ideas - my beautiful twins are now nearly 10 months old, and I still feel hugely guilty for stopping bf at 6 weeks.

I had emergency c section at 35.5 weeks, as a result of severe preeclampsia. Few symptoms, and 3.5hours between admission and twins birth. Both were taken to special care, and I got to see eldest briefly after he was born and then did not see second born until 2 days later.

Shortly after their birth, I had general anasthetic and blood transfusion and was pretty much out of it for the next couple of days. I was in intensive care for 3 days, then on the maternity ward for a further 11 days. Twins were in special care for a total of 9 days.

Both babies were mix fed for 6 weeks, eldest would not latch on very well & easily distracted. Youngest did well. I only started bf 48 hours after birth, and then infrequently as I was poorly.

I realise I am one of the lucky ones. Many with severe preeclampsia do not survive or lose their baby (ies).

Also feel I have lost my only chance to bf as twins were first, probably won't have any more babies.

This is the first time I have written this down, it is still very raw.

It sounds like you did extremely well under very difficult circumstances. Easy for me to say don't feel guilty - harder for you to do. It sounds like you are very sad not to have breast fed for longer and you need to "mourn" this. although remember you did breast feed for a significant length of time and did give your babies a brilliant start - it is sad to give up however long you do it for.

you did well under the circumstances and they seem to be doing well now.

congratulate yourself.

You poor thing - you have been through so much. I think it is amazing that you managed to feed for six weeks and you should feel proud of that. I am struggling to bf myself and am already feeling guilty at the prospect of giving up but I guess we have to remember that there is a lot more to being a parent than bf. The fact that you care so much about this issue just shows what a caring mother you are. Be gentle with yourself and I hope that the guilt eases for you soon.

Please don't feel guilty about this. I'm sure you are a great Mum and in a difficult situation you still managed some bf which is more than lots of people can or even want too. I know you feel sad - I bf DS1 for 9 months and DS2 for 4 weeks only . I won't have any more children so was very upset that I will never bf again, you need to give yourself time and space to 'mourn' that fact as I did. But try not to feel guilty as there is nothing to be guilty about - you have produced 2 lovely babies who are thriving 10 months on - you have sooo much to be proud of, so try to think about that instead. Good Luck with twins once they are on the move! DS2 just cruising at similar age and am finding it hard enough with just 1 baby to catch before he flings himself into trouble!

walkie - glad you are talking about it, but sorry it is still so raw. to you.
It sounds as though you did a sterling job to feed as long as you did. I know many who would not even have done what you did under those circumstances.

I think you have given your children the best possible start, so do be kind to yourself and dont feel so guilty.

Let yourself feel the guilt, you know you tried as hard as you could. If there is anything to be done for your breastfeeding, Mumsnet can support you, but I will say this.

It is not the end of the world. You will look back on this in 5 years, and not really care very much about how they were fed, only that they were fed, and they are your little bundles of wonderfulness. You will look around the school playground, and you will see that you have no idea who was breastfed, and who wasn't. Breasts are great - but they are not the be all and end all of parenting.

I think guilt is something that goes away on it's own, eventually. You haven't done anything wrong, and you know that really, but with grief comes guilt, and that's allowed!

Walkie, I had my ds by c-section at 34+3 due to severe pre-eclampsia. I was very fortunate that I was able to bf him (although if I had had to go through what you did I would never have managed it) but I felt very emotional about the whole thing for a least a year, particularly that I never had a contraction (couldn't bear to listen to other mothers talk about their labours) and I didn't hold him until he was five days old (he was very poorly - I was fine - cue more guilt!). He is now 15 months old and I feel so much better about it all, although there is still a raw nerve in there somewhere. I think what helped me was finally telling dh how I felt (after about 11 months!), getting both of our notes from the hospital and really just the passage of time. Of course you have no more reason to feel guilty about not breastfeeding than I had to feel guilty about not pushing ds out. As ds has got older I've appreciated more and more that this beginning of their lives, whilst it seems so important at the time, is nothing compared to all the mothering you will do in the next 20 etc years! I do hope you are able to feel better about it soon - have you told you dh/dp or talked to a close friend? It might help just to air it a bit more.

Sorry that was a bit long and waffly

Gievn your circumstances you did fantastically well. I was ill after the birth and it was really hard - I never managed more than a few BF and I was nowhere near as ill as you plus I only had one baby to care for. Although you came out of hospital after a couple of weeks you were still recovering for months afterwards, so you must have been exhausted just from caring for your babies.

You gave your twins the best start possible and have nothing to feel guilty about. But keep talking because it will do you good.

Walkie, it sounds as though you had an horrendous time of it and did so well to manage any b'feeding at all!

I still have moments of guilt over not managing to b'feed either of my dds.Yesterday I sat in the toilet at my doctors crying my eyes out because the doctor had said that had I b'fed mydd2 (6months) then maybe she wouldn't have eczema, which has suddenly flared up (I kind of knew that, as that was just one of the reasons I wanted to b'feed so much!). Then 10 mins later we are walking down the road and dd1(20 months) sat down on the pavement, pointed up at the sky and said "moon" (well actually it was more like "oom"), and we sat there on someone's doorstep looking up at the moon, and I felt so happy, because whilst I know that b'feeding is important and I'm sure that I will carry on having moments of guilt (and not just about b'feeding, I can beat myself up about loads of mumstuff!), its good to have that moment and move on to doing something lovely and special and enjoying your babies.

Sorry if that is embarrassingly soppy, I am still blaming hormones.

keep on talking about it, it sounds like you've been bottling a lot up. is your dh sympathetic or have you got a good friend in rl you can talk things through with? mn is great for this kind of thing as well. it sounds like you and your babies had a very traumatic start. i'm not surprised you have lots of strong emotions about it. ((hugs))

Walkie,

I hope 'talking' about it helped. You might well feel guilty cos sometimes we can't help ourselves, but please be reassured that you don't need to even if you do still feel it. If you find it difficult to talk about, some hospitals have a 'birth trauma' process for women to be able to deal with difficult births - you can usually contact them some months later.

For my first - I've had 3 C-sections, first two 'emergencies' and the last one planned (couldn't face all that effort and then the trauma of unplanned surgery again) - I was very traumatised and had to go through a sort of grieving process for the birth I hoped for. I spoke to an obstetrician at the hospital and some midwives which helped me understand why things went the way they did - you could see if your H does the same?

It might be that the nature of the birth and your feelings about feeding are linked in some way (they certainly were with me) and clearing the birth with yourself might help?

Thanks for all your wonderful messages and advice! Wow - feel like I am having huge hugs. Definitely felt better just writing about my experience.

I have been back to the hospital, 3 months after birth and they went through all my notes. That really was helpful. Don't know why bf is such a big issue for me. I often say "well I didn't bf" etc, after which dh corrects and says "you most certainly did"! I think it also has something to do with being unprepared - I knew loads about pregnancy & birth, but nothing about babies, bit difficult when they arrive earlier than expected.

DH is fantastic. I really am very lucky, which is why I feel bad about feeling so miserable.

Agree - there is so much to look forward to in the coming months & years, really trying to treasure babyhood, always thinking I won't have any more.

Birth certainly not what I planned (I was going to have aromatherapy oils & sneeze them out LOL!!!).

I too feel really awkward when friends talk about labour pains, as just feel quite cheated by the whole experience, yet so proud of my lovely family.

Less than half of all mothers are still breastfeeding at six weeks. So you breastfed for longer than the "average" mother, and you did it with premature twins and significant health issues. There doesn't seem to be anything there you ought to be feeling guilty about -- quite the reverse, if anything.

I think you did amazingly well, I struggled to bf my first with nowhere near as many problems as you and all he got was a weeks worth! Two subsequent boys didnt even get a sniff of bf!! I did feel guilty at the time but as someone earlier said you will look back in 5 years time and wonder why you worried so much. I know the early months are important but so is every stage, and, ok I'm sure we would all bf for 6 months in an ideal world, but all you can do is your best, and reading your story I would say your efforts were superhuman! you did bloody well, you should pat yourself on the back not feel guilty at all.

walkie congratulations on your two beautiful wee ones. being a mum is a wonderful thing, all the bonding things you alreday do, think of the nurturing, the humour,the sheer oh god moments, parental guidance and wisdom and humour all shape being a parent...

i also had severe preeclampsia and emergency c-section and i had attended poncy i will wish this baby out active birth class. hey ho over 90% of birth plans do NOT go to plan. birth plans are a wish list

i hope you find resolution.
be positive praise yourself and DH for the wonderful things you do

Hi, first time on MUMSNET and am completely blown away by the amount of effection going on. You sound to be doing a fab job and given that you were so poorly you really need not give your self such a hard time!! I felt guilty about having to top my baby after about 4weeks, my DS (2.2yrs) is very tall so I don't think I was ever going to feed up but didn't really get very good advice on "Toping Up". Most people just said to me that GUILT goes with being a mum which I have really struggled to handle but you do find ways of dealing with it and I have found that if I'm having a bad (feeling guilty etc.) then just go with it. Lots of love.

You should not be feeling guilty, you should be pround of yourself!

I cannot imagine how I would have coped with 2 newborns never mind all the health worries that having them early brings. You are a fantastic Woman in my eyes - BFing or not!!!

Really - well done for BFing as long as you did. You were up against everything going and still managed to go to 6 weeks. It took me every ounce of my sanity to keep going with one lo and niether of us had any complications. So much so I won't stop incase (as you say) I may not have another. Your DT are very lucky to have such a great Mummy who cares so much about their wellbeing, so much so you are worrying about what cannot be changed.

Try to feel good about your achievement and concentrate on doing what is right for them now this minute. Go and give them both a big cuddle and watch them giggle when you tickle them. Then go and cook some nice Organic veggies for tomorrows Lunch

Seriously though - there will be a million decisions you will have to make as their Mother, if you make your self ill worrying about things that can't be changed you won't be able to concentrate on them right now. If you feel you need to talk it through speak to your HV who should be able to advise you further.

Forgot to mention - I only knew one twin mummy before mine were born. She had natural birth, bf for 6 months, so I was going to do the same. Set my sights very high.

I agree that "birth plan" is the wrong term - should be "birth intentions".

My twins birth was about as unnatural as you can get.

I was so pious about bf etc before mine were born. Just thought it came naturally.

Paediatrian told me to bf 15-20 mins, then top up. MW said "bf, bf,bf".

your twin birth was a positive live birth outcome, i would contest "unnatural" as a term, sounds bitty derogatory a csection is still a live birth resulting in twins and healthy you.

Thanks Scottish Mummy. C section is always one of the last things I think of considering all the drugs etc I was given. A mummy I met the other day said she felt guilty having an epidural.

Where did all the pressure come from. Totally agree, best possible outcome can be healthy mum and babies.

the pressure is an unsaid unattributed mantra that you must be squatted chanting an incantation and remaining sweat free and centered in a yoga position and refusing all medical help (esp analgesia) = good birth

Hooey why do we beat ourselves up with the implication that some births are more worthy

I can't imagine what you went through.Sounds bloody tough. Managing to b/feed one baby was hard work for me. Six weeks is a good long time.You gave them a brilliant start.

walkie I had v similar experience with my twins and bf. They will be 4 next month and I still feel bad that I stopped bf around 10 weeks. Likewise, they are my first and only children and I always assumed I woudl bf them The confused messages from paed and mw as you say did not help. Mine weren't in SCBU but were born at 35 weeks exactly. It isn't somethin I talk about often, when I do I feel almost ashamed and it certainly stirs up emotions I'd rather forget about.

Come join other twin mums here we are quite friendly and at least we can share the joys of twin parenthood