Breastfeeding second child when didn't manage it with first

[Lisboa21]

Hi, I'm expecting my second baby in May. My first is 3yrs old and despite best efforts I stopped breastfeeding him at 10 days old. I think my milk supply was poor initially, he wouldn't latch and then he lost alot of weight, got an infection and ended up extremely poorly in NICU for 3 weeks. The whole experience was incredibly traumatic and I felt so guilty for "giving up" breastfeeding but I just couldn't carry on anymore in the circumstances. He's fine now I'm pleased to say and formula feeding worked out really well for us.

Now I'm thinking about this baby and I would love to try breastfeeding again but have got so many negative thoughts and memories of it from last time. I found advice from NCT, LLL etc really unhelpful at the time because I felt they were very judgemental about formula feeding which added to my guilt - realise I may be biased about this!

Has anyone been through similar and managed to move on from the negative memories? Any advice that could help me to breastfeed a second child when it all went so badly wrong with my first?!

Thanks for reading xx

I had a pretty identical experience to you the first time round with my now 3 year old. We managed two weeks and it was a struggle to even get to that point. I then had so much guilt and sadness surrounding the decision to switch to formula which I took a long time to make peace with.

I think the fact that I had been so adamant on breastfeeding being successful was the main reason that I felt the guilt I did. When I was pregnant I attended the NHS antenatal classes offered by our local trust. They peddled the myth that breastfeeding is totally natural and easy for everyone and there was no mention of the different issues you could potentially face or how sometimes it's painful and relentless. So it was a massive shock when faced with chapped nipples and a ridiculous over supply and a baby who was cluster feeding like mad.

Anyway - fast forward to December last year and my second son came along. I was of the opinion that I would try breastfeeding again but not pile the pressure on myself. As it happens, this time round has been straightforward - my son feeds efficiently, I haven't had any nipple pain and except a brief bout of mastitis very early on it has been plain sailing. I simply don't have the time to agonise over it this time either as I'm running around after a three year old too! It's really amazing how different my two experiences are. My second is now 15 weeks old and feeding is entirely straightforward and comfortable and I'm really pleased I tried again as it's paid off massively. Good luck with your baby

@BreadmanAndCake thank you so much for sharing your experience. That's great to hear and I'm really glad that things are going so well for you this time.

I completely relate to your description of guilt and sadness. It's so crazy how biased the information given to mums about breastfeeding is. I just wish it was more realistic and balanced so we don't feel so bad when it doesn't work.

Anyway I will aim to take a leaf out of your book and not put too much pressure on myself this time. It's great to hear that it can work second time, gives me hope! Thanks again for your advice.

I had a similar experience to you and our bfing experience gave me PTSD, severe PNA and PND. I ended up needing therapy for it, and had EMDR therapy which helped enormously.

When I found out I was expecting baby 2, my anxiety was intolerable and I ended up back in therapy, this time IEMT, which worked absolute wonders.

I also read the book “guilt free bottle feeding”

I knew I wanted to bottle feed this baby, but didn’t want to give formula (my eldest is allergic and after bfing trouble, then had an allergy to the formula!)

I’d decided to exclusively pump this time - best of both worlds for us!

Baby was born on Monday, and we needed to supplement a little formula the first 2 days, but since my milk came in I’ve been expressing - he was weighed day 5 and actually gained!

However, here is the unexpected bit...! While in recovery after the planned section (first birth also awful, this birth wonderful) - baby latched! I’d had no intention of offering breast but there he was having a cracking feed.

We did a few more breastfeeds on day 1, then he started getting frustrated, not latching and falling asleep at the breast so we then switched to bottles.

I’m literally about to start a thread however because baby is way happier when he manages to get latched to the breast, and doesn’t seem keen on bottles (how is that even a thing?!)

So remember - every experience is different, and every baby is different. My advice would be:

1. seek some therapy to help you process your feelings on your first experience

2. set no expectations for feeding your second. Take in some formula, harvest colostrum, and offer the breast if you want to when baby is born - I’m sure it’s my relaxation around feeding this time that’s making a difference!

@Flappityflippers1 Hello and thank you for your reply. Congratulations on your new baby! I'm really glad to hear things are going well.

Really good advice, thank you. I'm trying to keep an open mind like you suggest. I also had PND and I think the breastfeeding problems played a huge part in that.

I will look for the book you've recommended. I had some brief CBT last year but did not explore this topic specifically so I think further therapy would be an excellent idea. Did you see a general therapist or someone who specialises in PND?

Thanks again for taking the time to reply. Good luck sorting out the breast/bottle issues!

The book is on kindle, it’s well worth a read and was what decided me on bottles and pumping this time.

I saw a lady who specialises in PTSD and works a lot with women and pregnancy (she is also a hypnobirthing practitioner). Her name is Sonia Richards, and my appointments were via zoom - www.soniarichards.com/

Good luck OP

I tried for 6 weeks to BF my first. She never latched properly & I expressed as best I could then I gave up. I managed to BF my 2nd ok but gave it up after 6 weeks as she cluster fed for 4-6 hours each evening and I just couldn’t manage dinner / bed / bath for my other then 2 year old at the same time. When my 3rd child was born he latched on as soon as I gave birth and fed by himself for an hour. I literally could not stop this child from BF. I gave up BF him when he was 2.5yrs, at my 3rd attempt of stopping.

Life is like a box of chocolates ! You don’t know what you are going to get.

3 pieces of advice
1 see an ibclc before your babies birth for a debrief and to decide on a plan
2 each time you are pregnant you grow more milk making tissue.
3 if breastfeeding matters to you it matters to you and it's ok to push to get the support you need to do that and conversely if breastfeeding isn't a high priority for you that's ok too and you deserve support to safely stop lactation and safely formula feed.

Yes I did, I will reply properly tomorrow but also the process of trying to bf again and remembering how hard it was with all the shit going on at time meant I was finally able to ‘forgive’ myself for ‘failing’ the first time.