Need some closure after failing to BF

[Fedfedfedup]

FTM mum here. Long story short...my BF journey has been a horrific nightmare from the deepest pits of hell. I was so looking forward to it and when it was going well, I really enjoyed it. Unfortunately after almost 6 months of trying to make it work, I've accepted defeat. I just don't know why it didn't work out- I was given so much conflicting advice and opinions, I literally don't know what went wrong and I feel like an absolute failure. I'm wondering if anyone can work out what went wrong, because maybe I'll finally be able to get over this and move on.

Suspected PCOS, took a while to conceive our LO. He didn't latch well right away, slept loads. When I mentioned to the MW at the hospital that he was only feeding every 4 hrs, she said that was fine (mistake number one from me for not knowing he should have been feeding way more regularly). When we got home, BF was excruciating and he was lipsticking my nipples and also crying loads, I assume from hunger. So I offered some formula on day 2 as I was afraid he was starving. I didn't realise this would make my supply dip if I didn't express (mistake #2). TT was cut on day 3 and LO despite having way more formula than he would have been expected to, was inconsolable. Couldn't tell if it was pain from TT procedure or formula not agreeing with him so tried another formula- no change. Once TT was cut, BF was 100% pain free so resumed BF. Lots and lots of cluster feeding, which i now know is normal. Unfortunately when I mentioned this to community MW, she said it was a sign that LO was starving (her words) and I didn't have enough milk. Told me to supplement. HVs also kept weighing him every 48 hrs and in total he lost just 5% of his birth weight after a week. Despite this, I was pressured into supplementing with formula again.

DS developed eczema and was inconsolable most of the time, extremely gassy and explosive poos. I mentioned CMPA and silent reflux to HV, only to be told "he's just hungry" and to just give him more formula. When I asked if I should pump at the same time, I was told no need. I finally for in touch with a private LC who said I did in fact need to pump if I wanted to EBF, so for 6 weeks I was pumping almost every 3 hrs. My mental health was a mess. FINALLY at around 8 weeks, it seemed my supply had caught up, as DS would feed for 35 mins on the dot everytime, and then sleep. It was like clockwork. I also gave up dairy which settled him right down within a matter of days..everything was going perfectly. DS got his jabs at 9 weeks and from the next day, he was CONSTANTLY on the breast. He also didn't open his bowels for 10 days (GP kept telling me it was normal despite him straining and crying loads). At first I thought it was a growth spurt...but this went on for 2 weeks and he barely gained any weight. Did my supply dip because I cut out dairy?

DS settled 6 weeks later and my LC put me on domperidone in case it was a supply issue. I started expressing again, gave it as top up and stored some too. Again things were going well...until the 2nd set of jabs. Again, severe constipation (still ongoing) and DS crying ALL THE TIME. This time though, he refused to feed. I tried bottle and breast- neither appealed to him. Ended up going to A&E because he had refused to feed for 6 hrs only to be told "it's colic" and if I couldn't force feed him 90ml of formula, they'd tube feed him...so I force fed. I was told to just come back for some tube feeding if he refused again. Since then, (coming up to 3 months now) my entire day is centred around coaxing DS to take some formula. He will maybe take 10-20 ml at a time. I still offer the breast but he barely lasts a few minutes on there and inevitably my supply is next to nothing.

I just want to know where I went wrong. I don't know if I will be able to get pregnant again and am so heartbroken that this didn't work out. The only time DS was settled was when he was EBF- even on 3 different hypoallergenic formulas, his poops are irregular and full of mucus. And now I don't have enough breastmilk to give him.

Not looking for sympathy or a pat on the back for persevering...I just need an answer so I can get some closure. It worked out so effortlessly for those around me, yet despite my best efforts I failed so terribly at this.

Forgot to add- had a wonderful case of thrush in the middle of all this which I tried to power through. And that I never 'felt my milk come in'. It did come in on day 3 but I didn't feel any different and my boobs never got hard or engorged.

You poor thing, it sounds like you've been through the mill.

It sounds like you were given very poor and varied advice from a lot of different people, you expected them to know what's best so you listened to them. That's not your fault, none of this is.

Does DS still go to the breast happily enough, and it's just bottles he's refusing? Has your LC mentioned SNS to you?

@addler She is on and off every few seconds with the bottle and the breast. Already seen GI and paeds about reflux.

You're right- I received a lot of rubbish advice from people who were supposed to know more about this stuff than me. At first I was angry about it but now I am just angry at myself for not knowing better and reading up on these things beforehand. I should never have listened to them.

Oh my love what a rotten and horrendous experience.

You have one of two paths ahead of you here i think. One or the other. I think your baby is reading your anxiety and now feeding has been completely associated with it.

Option one. Fully commit to formula/bottle feeding and stop offering the breast. The lack of flow stresses you both out and he obviously prefers it to the bottle hence the fussiness with the bottle. Dont go cold turkey on milk being drawn from you though or youll end up ill. If you do this express every time he has a milk feed and reduce duration by a few minutes a day.

Option two press reset on breastfeeding. Write off a good 3 or 4 days to the task and prepare. Snacks and drinks prepared for a 12 hour stint, water is best and anything oaty will help with milk production. Strip the baby and you down the waist and grab a blanket and just spend all your time skin to skin with the baby at the breast for as long as he wants. Even if its just a few minutes. When hes nursing use a small hand pump on the other side, pop a tv series on you like to binge or relaxing music and just soak up that baby. Smell his head, eye contact, talk and sing to him and forget everything else. Co sleep at night topless for you and him if the house is warm enough and just respond to any indication with an offer of the breast. It is possible but its not easy by any measure and it would never count as a failure if it doesnt work or you feel.you can't continue as it is very intensive. You will be tired and he will get narky as you must stop all other feeds too as long as he doesn't show any indication of dehydration.

Have a read on relactating .. Watch some videos or reach out to a breastfeeding consultant .. I highly recommend Ann Bruce of Cumbria .. If you aren't cumbrian she will sign post you appropriately

cumbriabreastfeeding.org.uk/about/#:~:text=Ann%20Bruce%20set%20up%20the,group'%20to%20the%20Windermere%20group.

Hope you're ok

Much love x

Wow I can't believe that after all of that you think that you have failed.

Having ebf 2 DC I strongly recommend ignoring the vast majority of HV, midwives and GPs when it comes to bf - they have no personal experience, little professional experience and generally poor knowledge about it.

The fact that your dc only lost 5% shows that bf was going well (10% weight loss is perfectly normal in the first 3 days for bf babies).

Loopyapp has given really good advice. If you're looking for something to read to support with bf I'd recommend The Food of Love by Kate Evans (you can get it on the jungle app for not much I think). There's a lot aimed at new mums in there but also some great info that will stand you in good stead for longer term bf.

Goodluck whatever you decide

@loopyapp @User0ne Thanks both for your advice, I really appreciate it. I'd love to have persevered with BF but I'm pretty sure I've now got PND/PNA and I just don't think I can go through the relactation process. I'm co sleeping as DS will only go to sleep at night if he's latched on, which I don't mind. But I do really just want to stop BFing now, it's become a real chore and nightmare with him coming on and off and thrashing about. Also doesn't help that we are still trying to get to the bottom of his stomach issues. He did have quite slow weight gain and I don't want to regress on that front either. The only reason I still offer the breast in the daytime is because in case he refuses the bottle- just depends on his mood/stomach that day lol.

The petty cow in me sent a long email of complaint to the HV team just to get all this off my chest I'm just so angry and feel so let down. I don't expect them to do anything, just thought they should know.

I had a similar struggle with BF. I was told afterwards that PCOS is often linked to BF issues, not sure how true that is. Expressing is so, so hard and you did amazingly well to persevere with it with different advice coming from all sides.

OP You have not failed. You’ve done amazingly well despite all the poor advice and obstacles. I have also recently made the decision to stop at three months and have spent the last few weeks increasingly anxious about my baby’s weight gain etc and don’t want to spend my days obsessing over how she feeds which I’ve had to do from the start too.

My god what a lot of awful advice you received- a strongly worded email is the least I would have done (probably a mouthful of sleep deprived abuse would have gone your HVs way).
You 100% haven’t failed anyone, you have been failed in the information and support you should have been offered by default.
Hopefully the paediatrics team can help with the suspected colic, reflux and dairy allergy. I’ve had to google and diagnose my baby to drs over a Slightly separate issue, although linked to reflux and it’s a battle.
A battle that started with me being told “everything’s normal”, when it bloody-wasn’t. But I’m fortunate that the issues with my baby are with my 2nd baby so I already had a frame of reference. Anyway i digress, I think you need to accept none of this your fault, your baby won’t remember or be hindered in anyway being on formula, As for the allergies, read as much as you can (fb/ mn), I found this so helpful alongside the drs information.
Have you started weaning yet ? Lots of babies with reflux and colic are like different babies once they are , the paediatrics team can refer you to a dietician about how to wean on a suspected dairy allergy.

I went through all of this myself... All of it. To top it off, I had Reynaud's syndrome in my nipples as well. My next baby was twins. Same thing - the day my milk was supposed to come in, my paed walked in and saw me trying to juggle two babies, both covered in eczema, trying to discuss the possible renal cancer diagnosis (it wasn't, but that took a few weeks to find out.) I had no milk and was very upset about that, because I thought at the time it was the one good thing I could do for them. He called in a psychiatrist. (Who said I was reacting logically, considering, and diagnosed him as being a wanker, and called in a lactation consultant.). The lactation consultant asked about my breast growth during both pregnancies (none - which I had discussed previously with other consultant) and said that my boobs were the wrong shape for someone who has just had one baby, let alone two. She organised an ultrasound and we discovered that I had almost no milk ducts at all. No wonder!!! Normally women have about 32 in each breast and I had one in one boob and four in the other. It's quite common in women whose mothers smoked heavily while pregnant with them, and mine did. The fact is, that despite the hype, NOT all women can breastfeed, and we live in the modern world with access to sterilising equipment, decent water and great infant formula. My kids are now 16, and the twins are 14, they're all waaaaay taller than me and above-average students. They're doing all the usual smartarse things that kids their age are supposed to do, like not cleaning their rooms and eye-rolling until they can see their brains. I remember how all-encompassing that time in my life was, and how many people had opinions about it then, and how vulnerable I was to it all (probably the sleep deprivation!!!) but the important bit is to feed the kid SOMETHING and get through it. (Also, formula-fed babies do tend to sleep a bit better, it's true.). The allergy thing is difficult, but you will get there...

Just want to add on top of the excellent advice given on the thread - this is 100% not your fault. You have been given some shockingly poor advice and it is not your fault to listen to them.

I think it is amazing that you have stuck at it for 6 months. I would have thrown in the towel long ago.

I remember feeling a bit gutted like you at the time. I only lasted 12 weeks if that of mixed feeding. Dd is 16 now and it's not something I think of or regret now. We did well to give some mother's milk for as long as we could. Dd is absolutely lovely and does well at school.

Thanks all for your kind words.

You haven't failed. You were failed.
I still get angry.thinking about the crap medical advice i got in 2014. Baffling that professionals that deal with mothers and infants can be so badly informed.
This book might be of some use
www.amazon.co.uk/Breastfeeding-Trauma-Matter-Pinter-Matters/dp/1780666152?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Handhold OP. As PP said, you haven't failed, you were failed by many people

My 13m old is EBF and has CMPA. 60% of CMPA babies also have soya allergy and the forumla they usually give babies with CMPA is made of soya.. have you looked into that?

Please don't beat yourself up, the fact you care so much is testament to what a fantastic mummy you are.

I hereby challenge you to walk past a playground or school at outdoor playtime, in other words to look at a number of young children of differing ages, and point out which of them were breastfed.
I completely understand why you are feeling so upset about this and am not meaning to sound frivolous. There are many reasons why babies are not breastfed but to reassure you, think longer term and look at all of the healthy, nourished and cherished, bonded children, many of whom were formula fed.
Just enjoy your baby and concentrate on all of the positives as these are more important than any negatives, particularly those that are out of your control.

Oh lovely, sending you massive hugs - I had a similarly shitty experience, and also CMPA with baby. I always say the CMPA after bfing going so badly wrong was like being shot in the face after being stabbed in the heart.

I also had PTSD and severe PNA which came as a result of the awful breastfeeding experience, that then developed into PND. I self referred for therapy when my DS was 10 months old, which helped lots. Please do seek support with your mental health.

Just with the allergy milks, a PP has mentioned that a lot of CMPA kids are also soya allergic (my DS is), but kids can also be allergic to coconut, which is what some hypoallergenic formulas are made of (this happened to my cousin!)

You’ve done so amazingly well, but breastfeeding isn’t worth sacrificing your mental health for. For all my devastation on breastfeeding, once the allergy was sorted I really enjoyed bottle feeding (we did a lot of skin to skin bottle feeds).

Take good care of yourself, self care is baby care

My DS is 3 now, and with the therapy and time, I am fine now with our experience - you will get through it.

Thanks all for your responses...it's nice to know other people got through similar bad experiences. And truly shocking to see how rife bad advice is from people who should know what they're doing.

His formula is both dairy and soy free. I've taken a chance on some pricey probiotics to see if this helps DS at all.

One more thing that popped into my head, I've no idea if it's any use at all. But my friend couldn't recommend a cranial osteopath enough - that could be worth a look.

I never bothered at the time to look into it as was just so shot to bits, but might help your DS x

@flappityflippers1 We have had a couple of sessions already and another one booked soon :)

I really hope they help

Hi there, I just wanted to say I had a really similar experience. I felt like I was living in hell. My son couldn’t latch for the first few days so we stayed in hospital, none of the midwives suggested pumping whilst he was being supplemented with formula.

He would cry non stop. I was giving him boob and formula but the amount of formula was increasing more and more. I didn’t realise how dangerous it is to your milk supply to be supplementing in the early days. Then he was diagnosed with colic, then reflux, then silent reflux. I was breastfeeding AND topping up with formula AND pumping AND taking domperidone AND eating anything with oats in it and tbh just wanting to throw myself out the window. I try and look back on it with humour but I I’m genuinely traumatised by it all. I too had absolutely shit advice from HV and midwives - they pushed me to do formula top ups. Oh i also got his TT revised even though it was ‘on the border’ because he was so unsettled the HV said it was extreme and local breastfeeding team said he was the most unsettled baby they’d seen all day (our appointment was at 6pm), put him on omeprazole took him to an osteopath... pretty much everything.

I remember on my birthday when he was 6 weeks old I just sat in the park and cried. Why is breastfeeding so hard for me? Why don’t I have enough milk? How is it fair that other people can do it with such ease?

If you’ve decided you’re done with it then you’re done with it. It seems like your LO take a lot of comfort in it though especially at night so maybe just tell yourself that you’ll do a bit of both if you’re ok with that? You’re still giving her that immense sense of comfort and you’re still giving her all that good stuff from your breast milk even though you’re not ebfing.

If you’d ever like to talk more about this please message me. You’re not alone. Xx

Wow thank you all for your responses. I'm so sorry for those of you who have had similar sh*tty experiences. It's honestly infuriating that so called experts can give such crap advice.

I think my angry email and ignoring the subsequent calls from my HV has made me feel SLIGHTLY better On a serious note though, I think I will seek some therapy because I am bloody traumatised. I've also come to stay with my sister for a while (support bubble) so that I can catch a break.

Really grateful for all your responses. I haven't really been able to vent to any of my close family or friends as they've all had great BF experiences and they just won't get it.

@Ellax haha my birthday this year was also the worst one ever. I just wanted to burst into tears because everyone kept saying how this must be the best birthday yet because of DS...I wish.

This made me cry!!!
I'm so sorry that you have been through this! You did everything for your baby, and you have been given such bad advice throughout. I honestly had better advice from Google than any professionals!
You did the best for your baby and I hope that's enough for you to move on from this. The first year goes quick.and he will.be moved on from milk and this will all be behind you soon xxx

@Fedfedfedup much of what you posted resonated with me, but I wanted to reassure you that, a few weeks and months down the line, you'll feel a lot better about the whole thing. I understand the grief you're feeling in relation to not having the breastfeeding experience you hoped for - I cried my eyes out when I first gave DD formula after torturing myself for five months in persisting with breastfeeding even though it was an absolute nightmare from start to finish. But very quickly that sadness changed to a huge relief - even though we had reflux and allergy issues too.

We're unlikely to have a second baby (DD was many years and four cycles of IVF in the making) but if we did, and breastfeeding went as badly as it did first time round, I wouldn't hesitate to switch to formula early on. Ohhhhh I'd do things so differently . . . but we are so hard on ourselves, and we're desperate to do the 'right' thing by our babies.

I hope you feel better soon

OP, you have not failed at all. You have perservered through incredibly tough circumstances and should be really proud of yourself.

Unfortunately, there is a dismally poor understanding of breastfeeding still and many many mothers are failed through terrible advice. I am so sorry that this was the case for you.

Counselling sounds like a really good idea.

Just a thought though, you say,

"I still offer the breast but he barely lasts a few minutes on there and inevitably my supply is next to nothing."

How do you know you have poor supply? Is he gaining weight? Plenty of wet and dirty nappies? If he is not so fussed by the formula, (you say you struggle to get him to take much) is it possible that he is getting more breastmilk than you realise?

I could never pump more than a trickle, but LO was a very efficient feeder as he got older, literally 5mins, maybe 10 when he was sleepy.