Whether to offer alternatives when 13mo refuses meals

[Gabbbbbbby]

I'm getting myself in a right muddle. I know the right thing is not to offer an alternative if your baby refuses a meal, but my DS is small for his age (9th centile) and I just hate him not eating! I end up giving him yoghurt or cheese or fruit or something if he refuses his food (increasingly regular now he's becoming a toddler with his own mind). I know I'm setting up bad habits for us, but I have all these anxieties about his weight, I think some irrational and linked to stress from when he was a tongue tied newborn not gaining weight, and some legitimate when you've got a small, active, fast-metabolism baby!
I have done lots of research into high calorie foods so he has lots of cashew butter, ground almond and coconut etc stirred into things and I try to make all meals and snacks count. He's generally a good eater, but just seems to be going through a very picky phase. If he was bigger I think I'd feel more comfortable with him skipping a meal here and there.

I guess my question is two-fold:

1. what's the best thing to do if he doesn't eat a meal?
2. how do I stop worrying about his weight and calories etc! I'm starting to find meal times so stressful and I know I'm projecting.

Thanks!

I was advised to offer an alternative but about 30 minutes later, as then they don't link the behaviour of not eating with the consequence of being offered an alternative. Especially with dinner, I think it's mean and daft to let a baby go to bed hungry, as you'll be the one up in the night with a sad baby anyway.

Could you try always including something that he likes (like yogurt) rather than giving it as an alternative so he doesn't see it as an either or? And switch the emphasis to trying a little (if he wants) rather than clearing the plate.

Is he still having milk?
I wouldn't worry too much, NT kids won't starve themselves

Put everything on the plate all at the same time - including 'dessert' - and bits you know he will definitely eat.. cheese, fruit, yoghurt. Not sure how professionally backed up that advice is, but it worked really well for my now 16 month old when he went through that phase! I also introduced dips during that period, with the food he liked most, so that he'd still be trying new things and have fun with it

I follow a few dieticians on Instagram (followed them when DS had CMPA for advice but they also give decent non-allergy related advice so I still follow them!) and they all say what @ldnirish said - put everything, even dessert, on the plate at the same time. Apparently this is supposed to show kids that no food is better than any other (eg cheese better than broccoli!). They do recommend ensuring that every meal includes a safe food, however - this is one that you know your child likes and will eat. This way you know they've eaten something but they've been exposed to new/disliked foods, even if they don't eat them.

My DS (21 months) is also on the 9th centile and is also super active so I totally get the worry about eating! It's taken me a long time to accept that he is just of small stature (which, looking at DH and I, isn't a surprise really!) and as long as he is gaining weight, he's doing okay.

Thanks for that advice everyone - seems you all have the same suggestion so I'll try that, putting a bit of everything on the plate!

@User478 I've just stopped breastfeeding, and he's not massively keen on cow's milk/formula, but I manage to get about 150ml formula down him in the morning and another 150ml before bed. I think maybe stopping breastfeeding is causing me extra anxiety too, worrying about those missed calories!

Thanks for all the tips, they are really useful

9th centile is not "small for his age" if he's always been around that centile. Its only when you drop centiles you think a bit more about why that is. In life someone is always going to be the smallest in the class and someone always the biggest, and everyone spanning the rest of the centiles in between because they are the right size for them.

@Candycats ah it's nice to have someone else who understands! All my friends seem to have these giant babies so they don't need to worry! Like you, I think it will just take me a while to accept he's naturally little. I've always been very slim and my husband is too.

@gretagreengrapes I need to keep telling myself this! Small but perfectly formed! I just get so many comments about him being little, it's hard not to take them as criticism. Even though I know it's not meant that way.

I wouldnt personally put everything on the same plate, i understabd the reasoning, but i know one of my DC would have eaten all the fruit cheese and yogurt, for example, every meal and nothing else.

What I did was make sure thee was sonething they liked on every plate. Even if it meant putting 3 baby rice cakes on the side of roast. Often, dc1 (during a fussy phase) would start on the rice cakes, then start readingbthe other stuff. If I hadn't put the rice cakes on, he wouldnt have eaten anything.

If offering something else, is go for plain weetabix or porridge. Filling but not a "treat".

His energy levels and if he tracks his centile are better indications of if he is eating enough than anything. If he's alert, energetic and bright eyed it is unlikely there is a problem.
Try to relax, the more uptight you get the worse it is. I found dancing the what will he eat today time more stressful than offering him food and adopting a 'see what happens' attitude. Keep things varied so his options aren't narrowing and try not to worry if he leaves some.
I also found breakfast was a hungry meal so packed in the best food at brekky, loads of fruit etc, oats... Dinner was more basic as his appetite want so good for dinner. Which is the opposite to me so wasn't obvious.

Try the everything On the plate trick and if that doesn't work go for the 30mins later as a plan b.
The most important thing is to not get hung up on it, don't show your stress.
Doesn't it take something like 14 times before a toddler will except a new food?

My eldest was always on the small centile as long as they stay on that line don't worry.
Also those charts were compiled on data from a very small pool of bottle fed American babies eons ago.

Trust yourself, if he is happy, energetic, going to the toilet regularly and not loosing weight then your doing something right.