Really struggling to cope.
DD3 is 11 days old today. By day 5 she had lost 12.5% of her birth weight and had jaundice which needed treatment so we were both readmitted. Obviously this needed to happen but it was a huge blow to my confidence and mental health. I was told by one consultant that DD needed formula to flush the jaundice out of her system and then told by another that my baby didn’t need any formula and basically acted as though feeding my baby formula was akin to feeding her poison which made me feel dreadful as all I wanted at this point was for her to gain weight and be well enough to come home - by any means.
We were in hospital on the paediatric ward for 48hours. There was nowhere suitable to comfortably breast feed my baby - we were struggling with latch etc anyway partially because my boobs are quite big and awkward and baby quite small.
DD had gained enough weight and her bilirubin levels had come down enough to be discharged after 2 days.
Baby had gained another 100g the day after discharge when the midwife came to visit. 2 days later, however and she hasn’t gained or lost any weight. Midwife wasn’t concerned but I’m wondering how the fuck Ive managed to fuck it all up so badly. She’s so sleepy, I have to wake her for most of her feeds, day and night which causes me massive anxiety. She still looks jaundiced which also makes me anxious. She doesn’t poo more than 2/3 times in 24 hours although wet nappies are plentiful - this also worries me and now weight gain that has plateaued. She’s around 6/7oz off her birth weight and will be 2 weeks old on Thursday evening.
Mentally Im absolutely fucked, this is my third baby, I never had these issues with my others, never had the lack of confidence, anxiety or worry I’ve had with this one. I also have a 7 YO DD and a 17 month old DD with school runs to do either end of the day. My partner is self employed so paternity leave isn’t an option. I’m getting increasingly short tempered and agitated with my toddler who is still just a baby herself. I’m questioning everything, everything feels heightened and I’m terrified of us being readmitted again.
Feeding was every three hours through the day (day time feeds are formula) and every four hours at night (night time feeds are EBM) however have since started feeding her every three hours at night.
I just feel like I’m going to feel like this forever and I can’t enjoy her for worrying. I’m not particularly nice to be around at the moment.