Has anyone ever had a dh/dp who was uneasy about "extended" bf but it all worked out okay in the end?

[Mossy]

If so, what did you do to convince him?

Ds is six months old, doing well, just started BLW, and as it took me nearly three months to crack bf (crack being the operative word - my poor nips in the early days) I don't see any reason really to stop when he reaches one just because he can have cows' breastmilk then.

And I was saying this to dh the other day and the colour almost drained from his face.

Now, dh was not very supportive of me bfing in the early days, he has since apologised and said that in his own clumsy way he was only trying to help me by trying to persuade me to stop, but sees now that it was wrong, and sees how well ds has done and is even proud of me for sticking to my guns. So we're not dealing with a bloke who is totally anti-bf here.

But he does find the idea of bfing a toddler a bit weird. Not sure why, I think if I dug deep enough (which I didn't want to at the time I wanted some advice first) he thinks that with ds being a boy, if he builds up memories of actually sucking on his Mum's norks it might warp him in some way when he grows up... Might also be an element of jealousy there, although these days he knows much better than to admit it.

Anyone else's dh/dp had a negative attitude towards "extended" bfing but they did it anyway and their dh/dp came around to the idea? What did you do, when did you bring it up that you were thinking about it?

Just to mention dh is not really a big reader so all the articles on Kellymom etc. won't make a blind bit of difference!!

hiya mossy
well as you know, my dh is cut from the same kind of cloth as your dh and he's just learned to keep quiet about it all . i never set out my aim to bf past 12 months but dh seemed ok about it as 12 months came and went. tbh i think once i was bf past 6 months he'd given up hope of me even stopping or having any influence at all on anything. poor dh, sounds terrible doesn't it?

I would try not to set yourself targets Mossy. Just decide that you will breastfeed 'for now', and carry on like that until it no longer feels right to you/ds. You will prob find that your dh just gets used to it and doesn't even think about it by the time he turns 1, especially if the number of feeds has reduced by then, as it is quite likely to do.

I only planned to bf for 6 months, but somehow the day to give up never really came round, so I'm still doing it now at 20 months!

DH felt uneasy about a friend of ours feeding her child past 2. DD2 is now 2.8 months and still feeding and he has no problem with it at all; I think that sometimes you might disagree with something in theory but when it's your own child and BF is something you've always been done then it's different. I was only going to BF dd1 for 3 months, I was going to stop BF dd2 at 2 years.....it just seems natural to continue and I thinnk DH feels like this now too.

My DH seems to be quite happy with whatever I decide re breastfeeding.

DS is 2 this weekend and we have no plans to stop any time soon.

What you need to bear in mind is that you are not one day all of a sudden feeding a toddler, it happens one day at a time and you are feeding the same child today that you fed yesterday, so when it comes to it, your DH might not even notice that you are feeding a toddler IYSWIM.

You could always sell it to him along the lines of being able to easily calm and comfort your toddler if he hurts himself, or if he has a tantrum, or if you are away from home and he's a bit unsettled, or if he is ill. I have found breastfeeding to be invaluable in these situations and he can hardly argue that doing any of these things for your ds is weird.

Thank you all, I think I will just keep going and see where I get to... may be back here in another year asking for more help mind...

Smallwhitecat, yes, he does have a bit of an odd idea about it, although he has come round an awful lot since I first started bfing. The other day he even remembered to buy pedigree chum rather than bakers complete because the latter is owned by nestle!

Morocco yes they do seem to have been schooled at the same place!

Thank you all for the reassurance.

Mine was def a bit about feeding when they were walking and talking, and I must confess that I was too, before I had been bfing DS for a year and he just seemed like my little baby still, it was no hassle, and he was thriving on it. DH did mutter about weaning him at a year, until the consultant paed said that if he hadn't been bf, DS would have def been in hospital at least once with his chest.
I sort of set little timeframes - it was 'not until after we move', now 'not until after the winter'. DS is 17 months old now btw.

DH was v supportive of excl bf until 6 months - he loves a government guideline that one - but did mutter a bit about having to stop fairly soon afterwards as "It's harder for the child to stop when they're older" . Then once I'd got to 6 months he realised that it was easier for DS to bf up to a year. Now DS is nearly 15 months and still bf, although not so many feeds now, DH is supportive as long as I'm happy to continue. In fact he was even defending me to his work colleagues the other day (don't know how they got onto that topic, but hey) who thought it was a bit 'weird'.

I think you just take it one day at a time and don't make an issue out of it. I never set out to feed a toddler, it just happens. I think every so often that I want to stop (usually after a bad night) but then I think, why should I?

My DH couldn't have cared less how I fed DS...he has been happy to go along with what I wanted.

I however was quite freaked out when I saw some toddlers breastfeeding at my local LLL group when I was pregnant and went home saying I would NEVER do that.....yet here I am breastfeeding a 3.4 year old quite happily .

It's very hard to predict how you or him will feel about things in the future...because it so hard to picture your LO as a "toddler" or "preschooler"....they are still your child...they don't just change overnight from baby to child...it happens gradually without you noticing so (from my own POV) the breastfeeding didn't suddenly become a problem - it's just something that's changed and adapted as DS has grown just like everything else we do with him.

I would find out if he has problem first...you never know he might not....but if he does, then find out specifically why he has a problem with it....much easier to counter an argument when you know for sure what the opposing one is

my poor dp hasnt had the choice, i didnt so much discuss it with him, as tell him i wasnt giving up yet
am still bfing dd at almost 14mths and although i'm sure dp would love for me to give up at some point, he doesnt mention it.

My partner wasn't wild about me breastfeeding past about six months. I ignored him. Come to that, he wasn't wild about my plans for a home birth, and I ignored him on that as well.

FioFio I got similar from DH this week. Gentle hints (every day!) - so... how long are you going to BF for? You've done really well so far.... done your bit etc.etc.

Baby is only 4 months old! Plus had a complete disaster with DD1 so this is a joy to be able to do it and I am actually really enjoying it (shock horror) - it gives a real special feeling that I missed first time around which was sheer agony and guilt (undiagnosed thrush in milk ducts)

Mossy - my DH started a campaign at 12 months for me to stop feeding DS - he didn't change his mind no matter what I said or how upset I got. He said that DS was his son too and he should be involved in the decision making. Anyway I refused to stop when he said as I think I would have been resentful towards him - I suppose I am anyway about this issue - I we stopped at about 17/18 months when it felt right. Although who knows how long I might have gone on with support. I found myself feeding when DH was not about so as not to start an argument. Anyway we now have DD and DH is totally supportive of breast feeding again as he was in the early days with DS. We did have another row about it when I was pregnant but hasn't been mentioned since. I am hoping that it won't be an issue this time for one reason or another - maybe because this one is a girl or she will self wean earlier or DH just won't worry so much this time that we will never stop. Anyway not very helpful for your situation I am afraid. I just kept telling DH that the longer it went on the more health benefits there were and that there was no good reasons for stopping.

Mossy, he's thinking of you bfing "a toddler" - ie a big child, like one he's seen in the park, perhaps. I found the idea of bfing a toddler quite odd when I had a 6mo baby first time round. I found the idea of bfing a little bit odd in the 4m gap I had between stopping bfing DS1 and starting bfing DS2. But when you're doing it, it's the most normal thing in the world - and you'll be bfing a child who's grown and changed so subtly that your DH won't notice he's 2.

I guarantee that if you were given a 2yo to bfeed tomorrow it would freak you out a bit because it's a sudden change from what's normal for you - nobody starts off bfing a 2yo though!

haven't read thread because I'm sure it will stop me posting this

but I'm with your DH really

before I had DD (2nd child) I started a thread on here about having issues with the concept of 'extended' breastfeeding .. but for me it was the thought of going past 4 months or so .. thanks to talking it out on here (even though the thread got kind of weird at times) and taking it one day at a time I made it to 11 and 1/2 months

but for me, I still have problems with the thought of breastfeeding a toddler .. the thought of bf a child who can ask for it fills me with a negative visceral reaction

it is a product of my childhood and my thought processes and no-one can convince me otherwise for me I couldn't do it and I haven't done it .. but looking back I never thought I'd make it to 11.5 months either

so I'd just say don't talk about the future just do it one day at a time and see where it gets you

(I'm not coming back because I appreciate I'm about to get flamed)

My dh doesn't have a problem and I think it is because he is from Pakistan where children are breastfed longterm so it is the norm to him.

I have felt squeemish about longterm feeding in my youth because of the culture I grew up in but my mind has broadened about it since those days!

Hopefully it will become the norm again in our culture and gradually attitudes will change.

Isn't there some sort of World Health Org guidelines about it being desirable to 2 yrs? Haven't checked this out, but it's part of my self-justification! (dd almost 19 months). I never thought I'd bf a toddler, but I had barely no experience of babies/toddlers before dd so I was ignorant really. She is still a baby in many many ways. Just because she can walk and talk doesn't make her not a baby!

At least two years old, Abidabidoo.

Thanks hunker - 'at least' - that's great!