I may have to switch to mix feeding in order to carry on and save my relationship with DH...

[Bumperlicious]

Sounds dramatic I know, but it's close to the truth.

We've been having problems feeding over the past few week, episodes where DD refuses to feed so have had to give ebm, and when I haven't had any have just had to battle through until she would feed (think it maybe a slow let down and DD refusing to work for it). In these situations I get really hacked off at having yo use the ebm because I like to save them so dh can feed and give me an early night or a lie in.

Also I get really frustrated in the evening when DD is cluster feeding, or feeds at say 9pm and I never know whether she has had enough to put her down for the night (until recently we have been waking her for a 10.30 feed). Until we were having these feeding problems we were in a really good pattern of feeding every 3 hours then waking dd up for a 10.30 feed then she would go through til 7 or so. Now I can't get back to that pattern and her feeding is inconsistent. In the evenings I get tired and quickly frustrated especially when I have to coax her to feed, which doesn't do any of us any good.

DH feel out of control as there is not much he can do to help. I desperately want to continue bfing past 6 months. He wants me to stop as it is dominating our life at the moment. Is there a compromise? Is that compromise mix feeding?

I don't want to stop bfing as I love the convenience of it during the day, but don't do so well in the evenings. Could I bf in the day but ff in the evening or is that just a rocky road to my milk drying up? I don't know what to do... Sorry this is long and disjointed.

how old is she?

TBH, it sounds to me like a typical male thing of "there is a probem and I need to sort it" and since he can't sort - not being able to breastfeed, he thinks you should use formula so that he can "help" and sort the problem.

If you are willing to carry on fully breastfeeding then, really, it is up to you as you are the one doing it!

IME, a nightly formula feed would lead onto ending breastfeeding earlier than you would want but I may be wrong

my ds as had a ff before bed since he was 6 weeks, bf the rest of the time. He's nearly 6 months now, and still bf with 1 ff. I find it suits us and our family.

oh dear i am sorry to hear you are still having problems. can you perhaps show him some info about the benefits of bf and explain that his role in this is to support you, not deliver the milk himself!

its all so stressful at first and this is probably the thing which he is focussing on, rather than the sleepless nights, confusion, responsibility etc etc, any of which can be just as bad.

it does settle down soon and you will be so glad you persevered. just get through one day at a time.

Most of my antenatal friends breastfeed until about 9-10 months, I had assumed that the babies were exclusively breastfed until 6 months as I never saw them being bottlefed but it turns out that nearly all of the babies were breastfeed in the day and formula fed in the evenings so it can be done.

how old is she ?

Babies do pretty much find a way of dominating your life totally in the early days - DH will have to get used to that idea. BUT - it does get better and doesn't last long in the great scheme of things.

Try and curb your frustration with the cluster feeding - it is typical in the first few months. Read a book, watch tv, talk to DH - anything rather than fuss about how much she is feeding. If you can stay calm it will help her settle more. Let it be DH's contribution to keep you calm and entertained during these sessions - that way he is being useful and everyone is happier.

If you keep a feed diary, you'll probably see a pattern to the cluster feeding too, keep it up you're doing a really good job

Thanks guys for the messages. DD is 17 weeks.

DH has been so supportive up till now, and he is still trying, but he sees me getting tired and resentful in the evenings and can't do much to help. He says I complain about doing it all the time and how hard it is but I am choosing to carry on. He thinks I should give it up if it's so hard. but i am convinced that we will turn a corner.

although it is my choice to carry on, is it fair when it impacts on him so much by making me really irritable towards hims?

PS: don't know if this will help, but I used to express off the opposite boob, to that being fed on, which got loads of milk off and enabled me to give the last feed as a bottle (so dh could help!)

It depends on how old she is but I started ds on a ebm feed in the evening at 6 weeks which I gradually changed to a ff by 4 months which dh would always give to him. I did it because I wanted dh to have a chance to feed because it's such a lovely bonding time.
I stopped bfeeding ds at 7 months.
First time round, with dd, I exclusively bf and dh found those first few months very hard because he couldn't help and it frustrated him. Men love to be able to fix things and I think he felt useless. Having to hand dd back to me every time she cried made him feel he was second best for her.

Maybe mixed feeding would end bfing earlier but it's not impossible to have just one ff a day and feed past 6 months or a year. My sister is still bfeeding her 2 year old and has been giving one ff since her dd was 5 weeks.

talk to DH - tell him you are really sure you want to breaast feed - but it isn't always easy. Sometimes it makes you grumpy - but you are still sure it is what you want to do.

Tell him - what you need him to do it be positive about the whole thing - and try and jolly you along when you are being grumpy.

DHs tend to just see what is happening at the moment - grumpy wife struggling with breast feeding - simple solution - bottle feed. BUT the solution you need is encouragement and building your self confidence in your ability to do it. Tell him that is the most important thing he can do (just like during labour - his job is to help you get through it and boost your self confidence - in labour there was no choice which in a way makes it easier).

Remind him that you are tired - and are likely to be irrational and grumpy at times - and to not rise to the bait and argue with you !

by the way - you have done really well getting to 17 weeks They can get fussy at this stage - and formula fed babies do to.

Just try and have faith in your ability to cope - you are doing well - and it WILL get better soon.

yyy throckenholt. have been thinking about this and have remembered sitting dp down and telling him that bf was the only option i would consider so he had to help me to achieve it. he was given tasks and set times to look after ds while i had a rest / ate.

also lord of the rings dvd with subtitles on was a lifesaver! we watched it in chunks over about 4 weeks.

Thanks for all the positive messages.

What really frustrates DH is that when he is trying to give me a break from DD so I can get on with other stuff (like cooking or having a bath) is if she is hungry she is hungry, there's nothing he can do except come and tell me she needs feeding, even though he knows I am going to huff and puff and say "but I only bloody fed her an hour ago" and sigh as once again I am resigned to the sofa and he feels like it is his fault. God, I'm a bad wife and mother

He also things all our problems will go away if I ff dd, like the tiredness (mine), erratic evening sleeping patters (DD's), fussiness with feeds and those days when you are just stuck on the sofa because they are feeding for England. I don' necessarily think that is so.

shut the door and your ears. she'll survive for half an hour and he'll have big respect for you for coping with alone all day. have you got a bouncy chair?

I agree with everything Throckenholt has said. Especially the advice about watching TV or listening to the radio and just letting her have a really long feed/cuddle in the evenings. The most annoying thing about babies is that just when you think you've cracked it and they are in a routine their needs change slightly and you have to adapt - my dh also found that very hard to accept (and still does) - he thinks babies should come with an off switch!

Just remember that it is just a phase and it will pass. Talk to DH and see if you can both agree to just deal with one week or one day at a time. It will get easier, you both just need to find ways to cope while it's lasting.

You're not a bad wife or mother, you're human, you're tired and you're frustrated.

bumperlicious fwiw my ds also tore up the feeding routine rule-book at 16 weeks - it made me INSANE because he wouldn't feed during the day and went back to 2hrly feeding during the night!

I found a lot of mums had similar experiences and think it's not uncommon at that stage.

they do, however, get over it (eventually), if that's any consolation. and the cluster feeding won't last forever either. repeat the mumsnet mantra: "it's just a phase..."

Oh your sooo not a bad wife and mother! You want to do the best for the two people in your life you love the most but it does seem that you feel you are being split in 2.

I have to say I do think it's hard for the men as well as the ladies. In the past the men were encouraged to go no where near their babies as it was the 'womens' job and so they don't. Now it's all about bonding with your child irrespective of being a mum or a dad. Maybe he feels he wants to bond/spend time with his dd especially to help you as you seem to be struggling -you do admit you are quite vocal about this!

Perhaps you could try a differnt tract for a couple of days... make sure there is a bottle of ebm ready for the evening and if your dd is cluster feeding why not you b/f the first then hubbie ebm feeds the next feed to give you a break and you b/f the next? That way he has fed dd, given you a break but your dd still gets b/m. You could even express during the bottle feed your hubbie gives dd and then he can do the next feed also?

I do think it's good to remember that your dh is only caring about you in trying to help. Yes men do want to fix problems but he obviously doesn't like to see you struggle

I have bottle fed and breastfed - and the the thing the surprised me most when I bottle fed (my twins - expressed milk mostly - but formula had not real difference) - is that they were still as fussy and generally annoying as DS1 had been at times.

IT IS JUST THE WAY BABIES ARE !

Formula will not magically make things better. DH needs to believe that too, and find ways of entertaining her for a little while. One thing that really calmed mine down was time on a towell with no nappy - no idea why - but it would keep them happy for half an hour when nothing else would. And for DS1 - strangely Status Quo played loudly also did the trick .

The other thing is a sling - sometimes it is not the feeding that is needed just being close and cuddled - either you or DH.

thank all, that really helps. i might show him this thread.

muppetgirl i know my dh is just trying to help , this wasn't meant to be a rant about him, more just finding a way to manage the problem. he is a brilliant dad and husband, but you know that feeling when your baby cries and the fug descends into your brain that pushes all rational thought out...

i guess if my DH does feed her ebm in the evenings i should stop thinking "bang goes my early night or lay in" and think "ah, isn't this more pleasant and stress free, maybe i won't feel so exhausted later".

I never thought this was a rant about him don't worry

This was a 'What they heck do we do????'

Our son screamed for the 1st six weeks then only slept at night as he had worn himself out during the day. I remember my hubbie coming home to me holding the baby and saying 'take it away from me!!!!!'

How we did it was in the end dh would come home at 6 ish and take ds. He had a bottle of ebm which he would feed him when he needed it and then I would go to bed. I would then do the 12 oclock feed and the night feed. We didn't see each other much but I got more sleep, dh got to feed ds. I think that's what we'll do again this time I'm 37 weeks with ds 2.

it's funny, i didn't realise how much i didn't want to introduce formula until my dp suggested it. just like you he's been nothing but supportive in my bf both our dds but has been getting increasingly worried about me over the past few weeks (dd 20wks has been doing the 4 month growth spurt for nearly 3 weeks). i bought some formula the other day because i felt i didn't have any other option, but when he came out and said he thought we should use it i was furious with him.

the thing is they say it meaning they want to help, but there are so many other things they can help with - they need to be your mum so you can be a mum to your dc. they can cook or if they can't cook they can shop for healthy ready meals. they can clean and wash and take care of the other dcs.

i think also we get to a stage where the bf is fraught and we feel we need a break from the dcs and the bf in order to relax. i found over the weekend (spent in bed on bfc orders) that i re-learned how to relax while feeding, to enjoy her company, not to resent the time she spent feeding. regaining that closeness i feel is taking the heat out of our feeds, whether or not it's done what i hoped for my supply.

most importantly i could not have done that without my dp, his practical and emotional support - it's a hell of a lot more than giving the odd bottle.

bumper, you have done incredibly well to get this far and you should be proud of yourself

sounds like your dh cares a lot about you and i'm sure in a few weeks when things settle down you'll start to enjoy bfing again.

i have given ds a ff before bed since 9 weeks (he is 17 weeks too). i found it helped but i know that is not always the case. also have you tried putting him to bed earlier? maybe he is feeding for comfort because he is tired?

good luck and don't be so hard on yourself

ooops sorry i mean dd