My six month old has decided she prefers bottles

[Dillybear]

I’m not sure exactly what the point of this post is. Maybe just to get out how I’m feeling about what’s happening with breastfeeding. I’d be grateful to hear from anyone who’s been through anything similar.

Before DD was born I was very blasé about whether or not I would breastfeed her. I just said I hoped I could, I’d give it a go, and if it didn’t work no big deal. I wouldn’t beat myself up about it. Then, of course, she was born, hormones happened, and I spent about six weeks battling to establish breastfeeding. She had a TT and couldn’t latch, even after she had it cut, because apparently my nipples were too small (!). I left hospital exclusively expressing, and was encouraged to express loads of milk which ramped up my supply way too much and I ended up with mastitis, and then thrush from the antibiotics, followed by an awful allergic reaction to the thrush medication. I remember sobbing through the feeds at this time, covered in hives from the allergic reaction, wincing at the pain of her poor latch and the thrush. I almost stopped and introduced some formula at this stage. My DH has given her one bottle of formula a day since then.

I managed to keep going using nipple shields, so she had more to latch on to. I wanted to feed her myself because I could see how much breastfeeding soothed my baby in a way nothing else could. I loved being able to make her feel safe and comforted. Breastfeeding felt natural and instinctive and it had just become something I wanted to do for my baby and myself.

Finally when she was around three months old she managed to latch without the shields. I was so proud of both of us. It’s a stupid way to feel, but finally it felt like I was breastfeeding ‘properly’. She’d look up at me, her eyes full of joy because she loved milk and cuddles, and it felt so lovely.

Now my little love is 6 months old. There’s so much more in her world than just boobs and milk. I’ve noticed that feeding has really changed, and has become much more transactional. She is often difficult to feed, in that she pulls away a lot, stops to look around, and it can feel like a bit of a battle to keep her focused. When we are out, due to being distracted, she only feeds for a few seconds at a time. I find that really worrying, and, as a secondary issue, I end up with my boob hanging out in public which I really don’t love. She doesn’t really look at me when she feeds. There’s nothing wrong with that at all, but I’ve noticed it just doesn’t feel like the close, snuggly, bonding experience it used to be, anymore.

Recently she’s been feeding very poorly during the day, even at home. I always take her up to my room so she’s not too distracted but even that isn’t helping so much anymore. When she’s fed particularly badly, I have tried giving a bottle instead, and usually she drains the whole thing. She gets visibly agitated when she sees the bottle, she wants it NOW. It’s really sweet and funny. I can’t get it into her quickly enough!

I feel that my DD has decided that she prefers a bottle to breast. And it’s more important to me that she’s fed than anything else, so I have decided to swap a couple of daytime feeds for formula. My plan is to keep the morning feed, overnight feeds, and late afternoon feed. But of course I realise it’s likely to be a slippery slope towards her becoming exclusively FF.

I am feeling really mixed about this. I can see that it might be quite freeing not to be the only person who can feed her. Maybe one day to go somewhere for more than an hour without her! But I also feel a little bit sad. I liked being the person she needed. I liked the closeness of breastfeeding. I know that breastfeeding built up our bond and helped my mental health hugely at the beginning (oxytocin). Working so hard to get it going and then doing as well as we were, just made it feel special.

I suppose I feel that she’s already pulling away from me. The love I feel for this little person is so intense - I’ve just never known anything like it. It fills me with such joy to see her grow and develop and flourish. But at the same time each bit of progression takes her a little closer to independence. Which is bittersweet for me - wonderful, exciting, and also sad. She is the most important person in my life, and always will be. I am the most important person in her life, but I won’t be forever. That’s as it should be, of course. Recently she seems so much more ‘grown up’, in some senses, and it’s like she’s not my little baby anymore.

I don’t really feel comfortable talking about this to anyone in real life. I don’t know anyone who really ‘gets it’. I almost feel like I’m grieving. Just reaching out to the women of mumsnet to see if anyone knows how I’m feeling, and can offer any wisdom or insight.

I just wanted to add, I have absolutely no problem with feeding her formula, this is much more about the bonding/closeness than about nutrition. Nutrition was not really much of a factor in my desire to breastfeed.

My eldest did the same at 7 months and I felt very similar to you, although in her case she had never been a very blissful feeder, she was refluxy and squirmy.

I think you are probably right to follow her lead as you are, it is clear you have made efforts to keep feeds pleasurable and calm. She is clearly curious and growing in independence, I wonder if babies like this find breast feeding increasingly claustrophobic, particularly in the heat. I think DD1 felt constrained by it in the end. She didn’t become less affectionate with me after stopping at all.
I did find I felt better in myself after she self-weaned although I had no regrets about bf and planned to do it with DD2 but had to express for her for medical reasons. I felt springier somehow.

@LightDrizzle

Thanks so much for your kind message. It may be that she does find it claustrophobic, she also sprawls out when I bottle feed her - doesn’t make much eye contact then either, just stares at whatever is around her. Only thing is with a bottle, that can move with her whereas boobs are very much attached to my body!

Like your DD, she is still super affectionate the rest of the time, she is such a happy soul and looks at me with so much love. We do skin to skin and lots of cuddles and play, so it’s not as if the bond isn’t there in the absence of breastfeeding.

So far I’m finding that being a mother is a whole load of complex emotions.

Can totally relate. I’m powering through at the moment but not sure how much longer I’ll last.

If you’re on instagram, have a look at Jess Ulrichs. She writes some really lovely things about your babies growing up and your relationship with them changing

Nothing very helpful to add. Dd was like this (now nearly 14) like you I was a little bit sad as had wanted to feed to a year. I just thought about all the goodies she got in her first 6 months. No idea if this is related but she has always been firecely independant, very mature and now super organised.

My DD did the same at 7 months. Breastfeeding was such a difficult process (nipple shields like you) but I kept going.

When she decided to give up I was upset for a couple of days and then decided instead to be really proud of myself for persevering and providing it for the whole time that she wanted breastmilk.

Be kind to yourself and know you've done a great just and maybe it's time to move on to the next phase together.

Job, not just. x

Thank you all for the kind comments. It really helps to know that other babies have done this at a similar stage. I read so much about toddlers still breastfeeding and not wanting to stop, and here’s my six month old seeming less and less interested, it’s hard to feel like I’m not doing something wrong. I am proud of both of us for getting this far. Hopefully we can hang onto some of the feeds for now at least. @ChelseaCat I will look at Jess Ulrich, thanks.

OP I understand how you feel completely, my DD is 9 months now, and has gradually been losing interest in breastfeeding, from 6 months or so. As she's discovered food, she seems to have come to the conclusion that it's far more fun than breastfeeding. She also likes to have her dad give her a bottle, I think because I'm probably a bit boring now, and he's a bit more novel. But still I'm sad about it. We're down to morning and evening, and once in the day before her morning nap. But I look at it as a way of tailing off gently, she's making the decision of what she wants, and I'm following her lead, as you are too. Better that than stopping abruptly I think.

Hi @Dillybear that sounds really tough after all the effort you’ve put into establish Breastfeeding.

Your early weeks and months sounds exactly like what I’m going through now. Before having my baby I didn’t expect to feel so strongly that I wanted to breastfeed. He was born 8 weeks ago and has never been able to latch without a nipple shield, I’ve been pumping and topping up with expressed milk, which can be exhausting and demoralising.

Many nights strapped to the pump I’ve tried to find positive stories about nipple shields as it feels like my son is never satisfied by a feed using the nipple shields as I read they inhibit transfer. So I’ve been holding on to the hope that by 12 weeks he will be able to latch without, and I can stop pumping as I don’t think I can sustain this routine long term, especially as his weight gain remains poor.

I was therefore really encouraged to read such a similar story to mine that did see your baby manage without the nipple shields - I know what strength is required to power through so you should be really proud even if your bf journey is ending sooner than you would like. Did you do anything to wean over the nipple shields over several weeks or did it just happen suddenly? Was your experience that the shields inhibited transfer and lowered your supply? I’ve become so paranoid about this from what you can read online but rarely do I come across real peoples experiences.

Thank you for sharing your story, it’s prompted me to do my first MN post!

@Barnesbaby
I totally know what you mean about nipple shields. It sounds like you’re going to an incredible effort to give your baby breast milk. How lucky he is to have you as his mum 💕

I remember looking for positive stories about shields as well. For some reason it just felt like it wasn’t ‘proper’ breastfeeding- even though it absolutely is! Looking back now I do feel really silly for ever feeling that way. Time and perspective I guess. But I completely understand why you’re so keen to get rid of them.

I have read in a few places that as babies’ mouths naturally get bigger they can and often do learn to latch without them. I have read that babies sometimes just take them off and never look back, which I hoped would happen but that’s not what happened for us. I just started trying to latch her on without more frequently. What I found helped was getting her started with the shield, whipping it off, and then carrying on without. I found that once she had tasted the milk she was much happier to make the effort to latch onto my actual breast herself. Sometimes it worked well, other times she was having none of it. Over a few days we got the hang of it though.

One thing that I remember very vividly, was that whenever she was hungry and not at home (there’s a theme here for my DD!), or when she was in a bit of a mood at home, she would absolutely refuse to latch onto my breast, even when I took her to a quiet place etc. I found that just that small increase in stress or distraction meant that she couldn’t quite handle the latch. For a few weeks after we’d pretty much ditched the shields I kept one with me at all times because in those circumstances she would latch onto the shield, and then I’d whip it off again once the latch was established. But I’ve not needed to do that for a good few months now. I always felt it was something to do with the familiarity of the feeling of the shield in her mouth, that it was somehow comforting as it was what she’d been used to from being tiny. I also wonder if that might have something to do with her seeming to prefer a bottle at times.

Thanks for replying to my post, I really hope it goes well for you. But please don’t beat yourself up about it it you don’t manage to lose the shields, or if you stop altogether. As your baby gets bigger you’ll want more time to have fun with him, not to be attached to a pump and stressing about feeding. I basically refused to pump now because I just found the whole experience so awful. If my DD won’t breastfeed then she’s getting formula - I feel sad about it but not at all guilty about giving formula! There’s a balance between nutrition and a happy and sane mum. Even if you stopped today, you would be able to say that you did your very best to breastfeed, tried harder than many people ever would. What matters far more is that your DS is loved, happy, safe, and taken care of. It won’t make any difference to him at this point how he’s fed, just that he’s fed! Really wish you the best of luck.

My DD did the same at 5 months. She really liked the control and being able to look around more I think rather than being buried in my chest! She really wasn't that bothered about BF and was quite transactional. BUT, even at 2, she does love a cuddle sucking her thumb and winding my hair around her finger - it is her comfort move that really calms and soothes her in the same way that you might think that bf would soothe a toddler. So you might find that something else springs up in terms of a physical ritual - mums who FF do after all have physical closeness with their kids.

I mixed fed and in the end mine decided they preferred the bottle and refused the breast. This was before 6 months. I suppose In some ways it was a gentle transition and I followed their lead. Much less stressful than having a. Bottle refuser or having to force them to do something they didn’t want. Bond not altered at all imo. I do not have any belief that bond is related to feeding method as long as still lots of cuddles. Also I looked forward to giving them a bottle.

Hello, my kid is the same age and in the daytime becoming abit more difficult to breast feed lol. She’s distracted etc. I don’t think it matters too much coz I give her abit of formula and solids anyway.... with regards to feeding whilst out I tried it recently and the same happened to me lol. So now I take a bottle of formula or some made up baby rice. I don’t feel bad about it at all... I feed her at nap times and bedtime and it still helps her get to sleep, when she’s not bothered anymore I will miss it but also be glad to have my boobies back lol. I dunno if that’s much help just my personal experience haha.

My dd rejected the breast. Unlike you I had hypoplasia so very very low supply so she was only ever getting tiny amounts on top of the formula but I loved the feeling and it made feel so close to her. I think she was about 5 months when she literally started refusing to latch. I can tell you I cried a lot over it. If it makes you feel better 6 years later we could not be closer and she's an incredibly loving and tactile little girl. She comes in every morning and kisses me on the cheek.

Thanks for your kind words. What really resonates about your post was the feeling that it wasn’t about nutrition at all. I have no qualms about feeing my son formula, but have struggled with the feeling that if I can’t breastfeed him, I’ll somehow lose my ‘USP’ as his mother and be no different in his eyes to anyone else who can feed him with a bottle - which rationally I know is ridiculous! Thanks for the tips on weaning off nipple shields, whenever I try he gets really distressed but perhaps I need to make the environment super calm for us both! Good luck with your daughter and congratulations on overcoming so many hurdles!

I think everyone is right about following DD’s lead. A natural transition probably works best for both of us anyway because I never really wanted to breastfeed past one year. Just a personal preference. I think someone said something about getting your body back, and that’s definitely a positive of breastfeeding less or stopping completely.

Just wanted to say as well, I don’t think our bond will be damaged by switching feeds over to formula, and I think it would have been just as strong if she’d been FF from birth. It’s just something I will miss and wasn’t quite ready for her to start to move on from just yet. But I’m proud of what we’ve achieved so far, and hopefully we’ve got a few months left of combination feeding.

@Barnesbaby

I absolutely know what you mean - there’s part of me that just wants to wail ‘she doesn’t need me anymorrrrrrre!’ 😭 but then rationally I know that no one can comfort her like I can, not even her dad. That’s always been the way since she was born

• she knows who her mama is and that’s not dependent on breastfeeding. I have no doubt your DS is just the same.

Thank you everyone for your kind posts and advice. It really does make me feel better to know that our situation is pretty normal. You have all really really helped.

No advice to add but just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely mum OP.

Switching to formula won’t affect your bond. Mine were ff from day one and you couldn’t have found a closer relationship.

Nothing wrong with formula. Just wanted to post this though as it's very rare for babies under 12 months to self wean and very common for them to go through a fussy phase 5 months onwards! I have to feed my 10 month old somewhere quiet and familiar otherwise it's too exciting to bother. Dark helps too. kellymom.com/ages/older-infant/babyselfwean/

I know this is a really old thread but wanted to say @Dillybear this has really helped me today!! I’ve found no real examples of young babies choosing to not breastfeeding before I’d seen this thread, and my baby boy (6months) has slowly totally lost interest in breastfeeding since about 4 months old! Now he is eating 3 meals a day he literally could not give a monkeys about breastfeeding. He’s a big boy and maybe I think he’s just not that into it. It’s been hard for me and this thread has given me a bit of reassurance! Xx