Pamina
I know exactly what you mean... I returned to work when my daughter was 3 months old, and I spent the week before bursting into floods of tears. I just couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. She is now 6 and 1/2 months old, so I'm here to give you hope.
I didn't find it too bad after the first week. We have a nanny at home, and the first day was horrible as I walked out of the house at 7.45. I would have loved to have cried, but I determinely marched out with a cheery wave, blinking back the tears. (It helped that I didn't want to cry in front of the nanny...silly really!)
I found that once I was at work I was fine and strangely didn't miss her too much. But I used to get terribly upset when I got home - I would realise how much I missed her. And I spent the whole of the Friday night at end of first week sobbing my heart out. My husband was completely mystified because I had the whole w/e ahead of me, but it was because I realised I would have to do it again and again week after week.
After second week it was fine - although I have managed to negotiate that I can work from home some days (I try to do it 1 day a week) and I am hoping to switch to a 4 day week later in the year.
Our routine is a bit like this:
I always wake Lottie up at 7am and give her breakfast. For the first month back at work I breastfed in morning, expressed at lunchtime, expressed in evening when I got home (I missed the evening feed because like you I couldn't get home in time) and breastfed her at 10.30pm. She got formula while I was at work, or the b/milk I had expressed the previous day. That worked OK, but at 4 mths I was happy to give up and switch to formula - and Lottie seemed happier to bottle feed too. (She had got v. nosy by that stage and didn't like facing me! She liked looking around and could do that with a bottle!) We stopped feeding her at 10.30pm at about 5 mths - we used to love that feed. My husband always woke her up and changed her nappy and gave her a cuddle and then I fed her. But it reached a stage where it was getting v. difficult to wake her and she was taking hardly any milk.
She is a very happy and healthy baby - she is obviously good pals with her nanny and is developing well, so I have no concerns on that front - so I know that my desire to be at home is just because I want to be there! And that's as good a reason as any! So at weekends we do nothing but spend time with her. I bound out of bed early in the morning (not like the pre-motherhood me at all) and spend the whole day with her. I do anything else in the evenings or lunch hours- including getting my hair cut, paying bills etc etc.
It is heart wrenching sometimes, but it is bearable - but I have definitely found I don't get the same satisfaction from my job. I used to love it - worked crazy hours, and was working my way up the ladder. All of that seems much less appealing these days and although I am back at work - it just feels like a job.
Still, my job is the steady and more reliable one in our family. My husband's career is more volatile. So, since financial security is important to me, I have decided to carry on working. I could stay at home, but would panic if my husband went through a few months not working. I need my job for my sanity in that respect. I'm very lucky though that my employer has recently agreed to me working a 4 day week starting later this year. I'm hoping it will give me a better balance.
Sorry this is so long - you probably didn't need quite so much detail!!! But just to say, give it a little time - it may be better than you expect later. And if it isn't you may find a way to work around it. Good luck