Feeling really sad about decision to stop trying to breastfeed

[teamseashore]

My baby is 20 days old today. I was unable to establish breastfeeding when she was born and have been desperately trying to get her to feed from me and increase my milk supply. After an appointment with a feeding expert this morning I have decided I am going to gradually stop trying to breastfeed over the next few weeks. I am finding it impossible to pump every 2 hours (to incease my milk supply, which is low) and despite continuing to try and get my baby to latch and feed from me, I feel I have made no progress and am finding it really emotionally draining and upsetting, to the point I feel like I don't even want to try and get her to latch any more, she just gets so upset.

I feel this is the right decision for me - I want to make happy memories and bond with my baby, not spend all my time chained to a breast pump and feeling upset my baby won't feed from me.

However I feel so sad I haven't been able to establish a breastfeeding relationship with my baby. I feel like my body has somehow failed me and I have let down my baby. I know this isn't true and the feeding expert assured me I had tried very hard and done everything I could, and many women would have given up trying long ago. But I still can't help feel like this.

I know this will pass like most things in life. But if anyone has any words of wisdom or reassurance they can offer to help me feel better it would be much appreciated! Xx

i tried to breastfeed my second for 6 weeks to no avail i could not get her to latch.I felt so guilty for the longest time but as long as you tried that's what matters.The fact you care and you do your best is what matters.

You sound like you’re feeling drained and overwhelmed, it’s such a lot of work you’ve put in to keep pumping and trying to breastfeed your baby, and very natural that you’re feeling sad things haven’t been as you imagined.

You may have been trying this already from the perspective of getting her to latch, but just spending time with your baby skin-to-skin, without worrying about doing anything, can be very emotionally healing and help you bond with your baby - sometimes in the bath together can be nice, or whatever you enjoy.

Thank you ladies i think some baths together and more skin to skin cuddles will definitely help me feel a bit better. I never realised before becoming a mum myself how emotional the breastfeeding journey is. Xx

It's awful this first experience of feeling like you're failing. Believe me this is just one of the times in the next 30 years you will feel like this. Too much screen time, too much time in childcare, fussy eating, falling behind in school, your child biting another! No one has a perfect parenting experience.

But you love your child. You feed and care and cuddle and worry and your child will be completely fantastic, because that's the important thing. All the small compromises and choices and decisions we make are fine as long as you are considering your child. You are.

I fed my twins pretty easily

Assumed as an experienced breastfeeder feeding my singleton would be easy. Nope. Trouble getting her to latch, only using one boob and refusing the other

Breastfeeding is so so hard ❤️

I had a similar experience with DS but actually feeding became a much nicer experience once I moved to formula. It was lovely to see him happily feeding away and not getting distressed. And we still have a lovely close relationship today.

Have you tried nipple shields? They meant that I could bf with a baby who struggled to latch.

Least then you've tried everything.

You have not failed your DC. You are caring for her and are ensuring she is fed. I ff from day one and it doesn’t affect your ability to bond. Be kind to yourself.

Allow yourself to grieve - this was important to you, so it matters. Your vision of how things would be has not come to pass, and it's okay and natural that you feel the loss.

In this country we are terrible at making sure mothers get the right support to fed how they want, at the right time: you did not failed, you have been failed. Our society throws hurdles in the way of breastfeeding that make it impossible for some families, and I'm sorry it has happened to you.

It's true too that we are lucky to have a safe, nutritious alternative food, and that as time passes, you may find this feels less intense, but be kind to yourself and your feelings in the meantime.

Firstly a massive well done for knowing yours and your baby's limits and doing what needs to be done basically the golden rule of motherhood so you're doing well!

The most essential part of breastmilk is the colostrum, ie the first week or so. Any health benefits after that are fairly negligible (despite what some people write on here!). So you've done well!

I breastfed my daughter for 5 months. I didnt feel it was any more 'bonding' than anything else if I'm honest. She didnt see the boob as comfort, she just fed and then pinged off it in about 10 minutes so stopping was easy. It hasn't affected our relationship whatsoever, she is now a very happy bottlefed 9 month old ❤

Enjoying time with your newborn is far more important than how you feed them, and in my opinion you will look back and feel you made the right decision. Congrats

I tried for two months. Pumping and trying to get her to latch. She would just get upset and frustrated every time, it was heartbreaking. My milk supply wasn't great to start with, and because she wasn't emptying the breast and pumping never quite worked well for me I got mastitis on too of everything.

I spent the first few weeks of my baby's life crying and feeling like a failure, when I could have been enjoying her and the experience. We switched to formula (the first person to give her a bottle of the stuff was my midwife!) and I was a wreck for the first few days. BUT she was a different baby. She was happy and settled and we got some rest and well deserve cuddles without the pressure of feeding.

15 months later she has had a couple of colds and a few nappy rashes. That's it. She has stayed on the percentile that she was born into. She's tall for her age, and was ahead on all of her milestones. Has been sleeping 12 hours a night since she was 12 weeks old. I could go on but you get the picture.

Breast is marginally best (I'm not making this up, do some research), but formula is perfectly fine. You and your baby deserve to have the best relationship that you can possibly have. Feeding is just a tiny bit of the whole being a mother thing. In a few months you'll be covered in banana mush and won't even remember how you feel now.

You are doing a great job, OP. Chin up!

A couple of people have mentioned how normal feelings of grief are when breastfeeding ends. There’s a short book on this: www.amazon.co.uk/Breastfeeding-Trauma-Matter-Pinter-Matters/dp/1780666152?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Tried to breastfeed my children, couldn’t manage for physical,reasons and tbh didn’t like it much and wasn’t motivated to,push through the pain (a long time ago when breastfeeding was less of an emotive subject).Adored and enjoyed my babies who were as healthy as any other child, now grown ups who seem to be as healthy, well balanced and loving as I would hope.Dont beat yourself up, it isn’t huge in the great scheme of things!

OP you have not failed here. I know the feeling I tried to BF DS for a week. He lost so much weight and was miserable. I switched to formula and it was absolutely the right decision for us. Your baby will be absolutely fine. What in particular is upsetting you the most about the change?

I guess I'm upset for a number of reasons... I wanted my baby to have all the health benefits of breast milk, I thought it would be a good way to feel close to my baby and develop a special bond, and I guess I always just wanted to breast feed the whole time I was pregnant. Don't get me wrong I appreciated many mothers have challenges with it and I would have been happy with some kind of combi feeding. But I never ever imagined the possibility of a baby refusing to feed from me at all. I feel rejected! Sounds stupid when I write it down. breast feeding is a natural thing and I feel I should be able to do it.

We had problems getting pregnant too (i had 4 miscarriages before this baby) so I can't help but feel a bit like its my body failing me again. Not sure if that is making me be harder on myself. I am reminding myself the most important thing is we have our beautiful baby girl and she is amazing x

The health benefits past the colostrum stage are negligible. They really are. The differences between a bf baby and a formula fed baby health-wise are only noticeable on a national level, that's how small they are. So please put that one to bed!

There are many ways you can bond with your baby, and breastfeeding or not, you will be her number one and the centre of her world

Honestly it takes a lot more than breastfeeding to be a good mother. You have just made a personal sacrifice to meet the needs of your baby, so I would say you're an excellent mother already

Hi op, I could have written this post myself a couple of months ago.

My baby just wouldn't latch, been made to feel like a failure whilst in hospital for wanting to give my baby formula. She had no food for 2 days and all midwives and nurses were telling me to 'keep trying','breast is best' all whilst my baby was starving. I listened to my gut and gave her formula and had the happiest little baby.

Once home, been trying for aprox 8 weeks, nipple shields, no nipple shields, electric pump, hakka, tongue tie revission, lactation consultants, midwives, HV, you name it we tried it. I was at the point of getting depression, my anxiety through the roof, like you felt like a failiure that I couldn't feed my baby. But I realised I was feeling that way because I was pressurised into it by all these health officials. I get that the health benefits of bf are great but how can a new mother be expected to pump every 2h with a colicky baby who screams non stop?

For my own and little ones benefit I stopped trying and carried on with formula. Best decission ever!! In time, you'll see that you are bonding even whilst bottle feeding. You're still going to make eye contact with baby and still going to get little hands almost stroking your face and lots of babbling. It's just as magical as bf once you accept that you've not failed and all you could do is try which you did ⚘

@teamseashore I know it's easy for me to say but don't be so hard on yourself. You have done so well! You carried your little girl and got her here safely, and you have stuck this out for weeks. I know how you feel I felt like I'd let DS down when things didn't work out but that wasn't the case at all, I knew how to produce milk it was DS that couldn't figure out getting it into his tummy. It's a skill that you both need to figure out not just you.
DS is a formula fed baby and I never thought that would be the case. Breastfeeding is natural so I just assumed I would be able to do it, all the midwives made it sound super straightforward but it isn't at all.
He's 6 months old now and formula feeding works great for us. I give him his last bottle at night while DH goes to sleep and DH gets up early with him while I get some extra sleep so we are a well rested household. Bottle feeding meant that DH can help which was extra useful when I was recovering from my c-section because I was exhausted. We also have the best bond, when I get up in the morning he gives me the biggest smile and sometimes he gets cranky because he wants a cuddle from his mum which makes me melt.
Do you have a decent health visitor you can phone to talk about this? Mine was great and very supportive and helpful. If this really gets you down please speak so someone about it.

It's the right decision for you both. I had no milk, got readmitted when DD was 5 days old so switched to formula and she has thrived ever since.

I felt immense guilt and was really defensive about the decision but it was clearly the right thing to do,

You might feel bad about it for a while but your relationship with your baby will be so much better when you are both less stressed. I really feel for you, it's really hard.

Did you try the nipple shields?

Skin to skin is lovely no matter what. Soon baby will be a pre schooler who pushes mummy away and doesn't want kisses any more so make the most of the captive audience!

I decided to stop trying and then kept going without understanding why several times. I think it was hormones to be honest. Once I actually stopped producing and DD was happy on the bottles I let go of the guilt and the sadness. It was right for us to get off the merry-go-round at that point and we're both happier now, I hope you feel the same soon.

Breastfeeding may be natural, but it's bloody hard! You are doing the best you can for your baby, you haven't remotely failed.

I struggled with feeding for a month, my baby wouldn't gain weight despite feeding constantly and I was drained and so so awfully tired. I cried a lot. Have you had baby checked for tongue tie? DS had his snipped at 2 weeks old but I think by then his latch had been wrong for so long I couldn't correct it.

I switched him to formula and he's the healthiest, happiest little thing at over a year old now! He is a total mummy's boy so it didn't affect our bond at all. Don't feel bad, your happiness matters too!

Congratulations on your baby and well done on making it to 20 days, you have done a fantastic job under such hard circumstances. If stopping now is the right decision for you then do so, you have already given your baby a great start and your bond will continue to grow however you are feeding.

OK, well, this was me 13 years ago and I would say 100% stop breastfeeding if it is making you feel this way. I didn't stop and it was by far and away the biggest mistake I've made as a mum.

When I was pregnant, I so badly wanted to breastfeed - for the health benefits, the bonding and, frankly, the convenience. The reality was that my DD didn't latch properly, took hours to feed and really was never sated. I struggled for weeks, seeing several, mostly unhelpful, health professionals.

I eventually ended up combination feeding for months and months, which was the worst of all worlds as I was pumping, BFing for hours plus bottle feeding, sterilising and all the rest of it. It was stressful, tiring and I felt so guilty and resentful. It really robbed me of precious bonding time with my DD and if I had my time again I would never pursue it for so long.

Of course, hindsight is a wonderful thing and I know how you feel and how difficult it is to call it a day. I encountered one or two lovely midwives who tried to convince me that it would be fine to switch to formula. I couldn't be persuaded but, honestly, they were right, it wasn't worth it. Don't feel guilty, just enjoy your time with your beautiful baby.

Also, re health benefits. A lovely friend of mine has 3 kids:
DC 1 - had same probs with BF. All a bit stressful, baby failed to gain enough weight, ended up combination feeding, etc etc
DC 2 - entirely FF from 2 wks old
DC 3 - entirely BF. All went perfectly, fed beautifully, gained weight, friend determined to crack it with this one.
They are all strapping teens now but, healthwise, it was DC 3 who had the most health issues - nothing really serious but lots of allergies, asthma, mild aspergers. DC 2 has turned out to be the most healthy and robust. It's probably genetics and nothing to do with feeding but I think it's an interesting outcome.

It really will be fine to stop. Good luck!

@teamseashore

Please please don’t be so hard on yourself. I think we all take breastfeeding as a given, that it’s our choice and if we decide to then off we go. All of us that have and are trying know that that isn’t true. And there comes a point where it can cause you so much stress and your not a happy mummy which your baby needs! Baby is loved and fed and that is the main thing, you will hopefully now be able to enjoy your baby rather than stressing.

My lo is 3 weeks old and I have done the same- we are latching- just but had bleeding nipples and now thrush. Lo is never settled on or off the breast and rarely feeds for longer than 10 mins when she does go on. Suspected tongue tie with most clinics closed. We have wet and dirty nappies which has kept me going, she is being weighed on wed and I really don’t know what to expect but I feel our journey is coming to an end.

I think it takes a lot to finally admit to yourself you could both be happier taking a different route from what you so desperately wNted to. Be kind to yourself and enjoy your gorgeous baby! Xxx