Baby not even 1 week old and I want to stop bf but feel AWFUL about it... can't cope...

[Tinkjon]

Sorry, this one is a bit long... I breastfed my DD for 4 days and have found it a living nightmare. I've had literally no sleep at all for 5 days as he just wants to suck all the time. I had a section (and now got a stomach upset) so everything is really painful and to add sore nipples and engorged breasts to that is really the icing on the cake. It feels like there's no part of me that isn't hurting. My poor DC1 isn't getting any of my attention at all as I'm constantly feeding so I feel terrible about that too - and she just started school today as well I've had so many problems with bf-ing and I just want to be able to feed my new baby without stressing over it. And how on Earth am I supposed to do the school run the week after next, when I'm chained to the sofa all day?!

So, basically, I really want to stop bf and switch to FF, as I really feel this will improve things to some extent, but the guilt/sadness is unbearable. I just can't can't stop crying at all (probably hormone-related too, I'm sure). He had a few bottles of formula last night and I was sobbing the entire time - whilst at the same time being relieved that the feed was taken care of. DC1 was EBM for 2 months and then we switched to FF and she's fine and I don't feel guilty about it - a little sad that I couldn't BF her, but that's all. So I really thought I wouldn't feel guilty with DC2 if BF didn't work, but the feelings of guilt/sadness are out of control - he's just so tiny and helpless, all he wants is to suck on his mummy and I don't want him to I know the early days of BF are hard, so why can't I just deal with that for his sake - I feel like the world's worst mother for choosing what's easiest for me over what's best for him. When I struggled with BFing DC1 a few years ago my midwife told me that it was far more important that I enjoy the early days with my baby and not dread every day, than worry about breastfeeding. That seemed like such great advice at the time, but I feel so bad this time round. It's like I want someone to give me permission to stop BFing, which I know is silly but that's just how I'm feeling. It's just all so much easier with a bottle though - since I started this post he cried for some food, so I stopped and it took 10 mins to give him a drink and settle him down again beside me - rather than the 2 hours of on and off feeding and pain and worry that it would've been with BFing.

Sorry, this is very long and whiny but if anybody has been through something similar then I'd love to hear from you.

Sorry you're having such a hard time, Tink. I understand about the sadness ... I felt that enormously with mine.

Any how, I am not good at the practical advice, so here's a BUMP for you

Aw, Tink....I hope you have help and support at home and the chance to not feel bad about sitting/lying down whenever you can. It is hard to have a new baby and a child who has to be ready for school and collected and so on - maybe there is someone who can help with that side of things?

A lot of the stuff you have read on the other thread may not feel as if it applies to you - perhaps you don't want to contact a breastfeeding counsellor, maybe because you don't know if that sort of help will be useful. But a breastfeeding counsellor will help you decide the right option for you, and if that is formula feeding, then that would be your choice, not something the bfc told you to do/not to do. She would help you work out what the 'worry' is about breastfeeding that you have, and see if that can be allayed somehow. But if the worry is so great you want to get rid of it, then she would support you in that and help you with ways of winding down bf in the most comfortable way.

No one can give you 'permission' to stop breastfeeding - that has to come from you, permitting yourself

I do think you need to speak to someone in real life - not just on this board. Hope that helps a bit.

Hey tinkjon!
I know how you feel! Igot reaaly sore nipples when he was 2days old, held out with the pain for one more day but couldn't cope, he was feeding constantly and i was crying with the pain
I stopped the breast for 2-3 days and gave him FF, it gave my nipples a rest and more importantly me a rest. When my milk come in i used nipple sheilds and started to breast feed him again. I still give him a top up with his feed at 11.30pm and then a full FF in hte night which seems to be working for us at the moment. Still using the sheilds but nipples much better
Hope this helps a little, even if lets you know you aren't alone. At the end of the day you have to do what is best for you and your baby and if that means giving him FF then so be it, there is no point in being unhappy when you should be enjoying this time

Please Please do not feel like a failure I had a C-section with my baby and I was desperate to breast feed but due to lack of support at hospital and the fact she was poorly and I didn't know, and also I didn't know what I was doing first time mum she spent one night screaming and screaming and fell asleep and did not wake up. She was then transferred to S/C to be nose feed I felt guilty because I didn't know she had not beed feeding and also I had no milk but did not know. I thing I spent a month thinking if only if only but 6 months on she is thriving and just started weaning IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT B/F is not as easy as we think especially after a c-section when you have to do it on your side. the most important thing at the moment is getting food to your lovely baba and the bonus with F/F you know how much they are eating!!!!! keep strong

Hell, I give you permission

Can you talk to your HV, tell her how you're feeling? You sound like you need proper support/reassurance. You also sound (to me) like you are very sure about what needs to happen... I should take that instinct very seriously. Stop beating yourself up.

I did go through something pretty similar, and the memory of it still makes me feel a bit ill. However, I started mix-feeding from very early on with no2 (I did a bit of expressing to keep my supply up at first). Lots of people rubbish mix-feeding but it worked for me.

Nipple shields helped too.

But if you are sure you want to quit, then quit.

Tinkjon you will get amazing support on here if you do want to try and carry on bf.

But if it helps, I went through exactly the same as you at the same stage. I was in agony, I dreaded every time ds woke up, I felt constantly attached to him, but at the same time did not feel any love or as though I was bonding because it was all about him feeding and me in pain... I didn't feel able to do anything, go out, make plans... nothing. It was such an awful time when it should have been such an amazing time

I made the heartbreaking decision to switch to formula and all I can say is that it was like a weight had been lifted. My spirits lifted, I had more energy, I loved him waking up so I could bond and play with him, I actually started to enjoy my baby. I can't describe the difference it made to me and my whole family.

I cried for days over 'giving up'. And still feel guilty 2 years on. But I just knew deep down that it was the right thing to do. And in hindsight, for me and ds, it really was.

Only you can decide. But you wanted to know if anyone had been through anything similar and I have been through exactly the same and do not regret my decision for a minute. My relationship with ds is amazing and he is a gorgeous, happy healthly little boy

Hello Tink, just a quick post to let you know that you are not alone. I was in a very similar situation with a new baby, older dc just started school and nips about to fall off.

I sooooo know where you are coming from with 'every part of you is hurting'. Bf feels like the final kick in the teeth, does it not?!?!?

I couldn't feed my older child, so it meant a lot to me to manage it with this one. I had some pretty dark days but I hung in there simply because I knew that I would not forgive myself if I didn't. I think the other poster is right - only you can give yourself this permission and if you decide to stop, don't look back. You are doing a great job. My ds was ff from 2 weeks, and turned out just fine. I do think you are in the hardest, hardest part right now, your nips will toughen up in a week or so, and the feeds will become less constant. But ff is good too, especially if that is what you decide to do, because that will be the right thing for you in your situation, and will therefore be right for your child.

Sorry, bit rambly. Thinking of you and hoping today is better. ((((()))))))

Both my children were born by emergency CS and in special care for 3 weeks during which time they were fed by IV then nose thingy then expressed BM.

By the time I got them home it felt too late to start with the bf malarky (and the first was brain damaged and had no suck reflex anyway).

After expressing for a few weeks, I felt that I'd given it my best shot and chucked the expressing machine in the bin. I never regretted it, bf would have just been too much on top of everything else and the thing that mattered was feeding them and them gaining weight whether that was bf or ff.

You are doing the right thing by giving up now if you feel that you just can't cope. BF is not the most important thing in the world, you need to get some time between feeds to do everything else (inc. recovering from major surgery). Your children need you to be a functioning human being who gets some sleep occasionally, not a milk dispenser who is feeling like shit.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!!!!!!

Lots of sympathy from me as well - as someone who had a section and found not being able to do much with ds1 when I was stuck on the settee for HOURS breastfeeding ds2 really heartbreaking. I stuck with it but fairly quickly introduced 1 - 2 formula feeds as well. Dp could then do a couple and I was slightly free-er!

Could you maybe introduce 1 bottle but keep going with the breastfeeding - maybe set yourself a target of introducing 1 more bottle each week so you do slightly less breastfeeding each week?

But please don't feel guilty - you're knackered, sore, hormonal - you don't need guilt as well!

Oh thankyou so much everybody - your kind words and reassurance made me cry all over again MyEye, I think you are right about me knowing what I want to do

Hi Tink, big wave from the Sept thread.

So sorry to hear what a tough time you are having at the moment. Firstly whichever way you go forward from here, things will get better and easier very soon. I saw what you wrote on your other thread, and you really are not a failure.

There are lots of people here who give great advice if you want to carry on trying bfing. They all seem so knowledgeable and helpful. If on the other hand you decide that ff is the best way forward for you and you ds, then please don't be hard on yourself. Getting nutrition into him is the important thing. As far as I'm concerned you're a success if you get nutrition into your baby, any which way you can. I think its sad when we put pressure on ourselves that only one way is good enough.

Tink, imagine what you'd say to me if it was me who had started this post. If it was me who seems so unhappy to allow myself to ff? I know you are intelligent and rational - I know that from when we were posting about gb. Try to step back a little. If you want to carry on bfing, why not set yourself a timeframe and maybe try to contact a bf councellor (sp?). And if you go ahead with ff try not to be hard on yourself. Just think how you would be supporting us if the tables were turned.

As an aside, I'm finding that during the school runs, ds3 sleeps soundly in his pram. Sometimes I've had to do it when I've known he's hungary, but after a few minutes he's fast asleep, and I just wake him for feeding when we're home. I read about your tummy too. I hope that is feeling better soon. It can't be nice putting up with that on top of everything.

Good luck with whatever decision you make. The fact you're giving it so much consideration and heartache shows what a loving mum you really are. I'll be happy to help/listen any time.

Tink, I hope you don't see this as an invasion, if you do, please accept my apologies, I was looking for your birth announcement and found this post. (It's Nicole here).

While breastmilk is undoubtedly best for baby, breastfeeding is not always best for the family, and you have to do what's right for all of you, not just W.

I know how very hard it is with one, I couldn't imagine going through what I went through for the first 3 weeks of breastfeeding with a demanding 4 year old as well(I don't know if Goose gave details, but it was sheer hell and only my bloody mindedness and pain killers allowed me to continue) . I am now a fierce advocate of breastfeeding, and will always champion it, but, as I said above, it's not only W you have to worry about, it's all of you.

If you do continue, know that it does get so much easier. I'm far too lazy to go through the faff of preparing bottles fresh each time, as per the current guidelines, so whipping a boob out is far easier for me.

"This too shall pass" has been my feeding mantra, and it is true, but, it's not always possible to wait until it does pass.

Do what's right for your family. W won't suffer, any breastmilk he's had so far is better than not having any at all, and formula won't harm him.

Love to you all, you know where I am if you need to rant, moan, etc, and I'm more than willing to listen.

I would say that it is very early days , you have natural feelings of guilt towards dc1, are emotional about school and postnatally hormonal to the extent that thinsg are blurred and hard to rationalise. I had dd the day before ds started preschool in a new country. Your loyalites are divided but if you can come to some sort of compromise, perhaps setting yourself short term goals, it will get easier and you will be able to juggle.

I did many school runs with dd screaming in the car even though she'd just been fed. You cope somehow and give them the attention as soon as you can. It is up to you whether you feel b'feeding is the compromise you can deal with but don't base a perhaps hasty decision on your worries over 2 weeks hence. You and dc1 will have adjusted more to your lo's arrival and your ds could be so different by then. Is there anyone who could help you out with dcs short term to enable you to relax and enjoy each individually?

I so know where you are coming from. I was in agony after a week, bleeding nips and all
I very very nearly gave up.

But a quick 5 mins with a bf counsellor who fixed my latch changed all that. It suddenly became enjoyable and even easy. I ended up bfeeding for two years!

So don't give up without speaking to a bf counsellor.

Tinkjon. You sound so down in your post. You should be enjoying this special time with your baby and not having to feel like this. I mixed fed my first child and stopped BF altogether at 4 months and am still BF my second at a year old and while I am pleased that I managed it there is a big part of me that wishes SOOOOOOO much that I had introduced formula a couple of months in as it has not been easy exclusively BF. DD would not take a bottle at all (and don t think I didn't try) so I didnt really have a choice. Things were a lot easier with DS because he would take a bottle. Is there any way you could mix feed to take the pressure off yourself and let DH do some feeds. At the end of it all I would always encourage BF if asked but NOT at the expense of your mental health. The only thing I would say is if you can carry on it really really does get easier. But if you really can t then, well, Formula is there for a reason. Whatever you decide stop beating yourself up over it. You sound like a great Mum. At least you tried and by doing it for even a couple of weeks you have got him off to a great start.

what more can i add? everyone has just said what i would but done a better job of it. make the next step forward a positive one, whether you decide on bf or ff or mixing the two.

hope 1st day at school went well

Would a good nights sleep help you see things differently/put things into focus?

If so then I suggest a few bottles of EBM (I had so much milk at this early stage I could have filled a milk churn so maybe you are the same?) get DP/DH to do the feeds and you sleep as far away as humanly possible without leaving the house. You may relax more knowing lo is having EBM rather than formula. Don't worry about nipple confusion - it does happen but if it is just a few bottles you should be OK IF you decide to carry on BFing.

My DD was the same for the first week or two, then I would get about 2 hours at night between feeds so I know the feeling. I also tried a dummy as a comforter but she hated it, your might not.

Do not be afraid to use other methods to get you through, if you are really struggling and need a break then go for it.

Long term combined feeding may also work but needs to be done with advice from a BFC as you will need to manage your supply to ensure you can carry on with both.

Ticktock could tell you more, but my understanding is the EBM route you did with DC1 would be a good middle ground if you really can't BF directly.

Good Luck and I hope you find the answer to your problem - you are the one who needs to decide for yourself.

So sorry for you Tink I had a rough time to. I also went through the same upset and feelings of being a bad mother for stopping. WE ARE NOT BAD OR UNNATURAL. BF is not for everyone and just as other parts of the body can fail so can bf mechanisms. If you are desperately unhappy then it will not help either of you to continue.

If its practical help you need then are you sure the baby is not suckling for comfort.

Have you seen a bf counsellor at all to maybe help feeding be more effective?

Is lo latched on properly?

Can you express so someone else can feed to make more rest time for you?

Have you got an electric pump?

I'm probably going to get shot down in flames, but I'm a Gina Ford fan and will be using her book because it worked so well for my dd, however, if I had got it before I had dd I think my bf may have been better than it was. DD was 6 weeks by which time I had given up.

I really wanted to bf my dd but come hell or high water was the child not going to do it! Three weeks later having talked to as many people as possible for advice (but really i think, like op i was hoping some one would make the decision fr me and say 'right, time to botle feed') including a lovely doctor who told me to starve dd fr up tp 2 dauys if necc to get her to realise breast was all she was getting (not very mpressed with that as friends twins were rushed into hospital after not feeding for just under 48hrs and being v dehydrated, but that''s an expert for you ) but anyway, bottle fed dd and she has been a picture of health and happiness: and that was all i was worried about (plus, you can boot your dh / dp out of bed to do night feeds and get well earned rest!0

don't worry at all.,
i nearly drove everyone i met to utter distraction when i had ds 4. He was v ill when born, and could barely keep anything down. The docs didn't know if it was maybe something rubbish in my breastmilk, and tested me for all manner of evil things, including HIV, before concluding that the tests were inconclusive, and leaving up to me to bf!!! on the the upside, if i carried on, he would be getting my immunity to whatever it was that was making him ill, on the downside, it could be that it was my breastmilk that was making him ill!! so I stopped. I agonised, as I'd successfully happilly delightedly bf 3 children before him, but i couldn't with him, it might have been what he needed, it might have been what made him so ill. i still don't know, but he is fine, he survived, and it meant my dh got to feed, which he loved. just do it., it is ok. you feel like wearing a big sign on your head explaining that you are not ff becasue you are a shithead, you are doing it because you need to, because it is best for your child, and I went around explaining it to everyone, people on buses//'i would bf, but I can't, i bf all the others, look, here is my bf CV, isn't it excellent...' until my mum told me to calm down, no one gave a damn, and stop worrying about it.
she'd probably tell you the same!

You have permission to stop! What is best for you and the baby is a sane mum who enjoys motherhood. Remember too that all your emotions are heightened by hormones and that when you look back you won't believe that you agonised over this.

Pick the option that feels best:

1. Stop bf now & bottle feed
2. Express in the day and mix feed
3. Express until you see a bf councillor who can further advise
4. Take bf advice from the wise women on here who have more experience than me re bf.

Whatever you WANT to do is the RIGHT decision. Happy you = happy baby.

Thanks, ladies - you've all said some very sensible things. wELL THIGNS MAY HAVE SORTED THEMSELVES OUT OF THEIR OWN ACCORD NOW BECAUSE THE MW SAID THAT (oops, sorry - capitals!) Will has lost too much weight (even for a BF baby) and he's a little dehydrated too, so she wanted me to top up with formula and said that she might want to admit him to SCBU if I wasn't prepared to top up (she was very nice about it, btw, not bullying, and said that she'd help if I really didn't want to use FF). I explained how upset I'd been about it all and she said that if it made me feel better, I could use formula but consider breastmilk as the top-up, rather than the other way around, and I think that might be the route we'll go. I know it prob sounds odd to some of you, and won't give us the '6 months exclusive' benefits, but he'll at least be getting some that way. My mummy-instinct really did tell me that something was wrong and that he wasn't getting enough. I got the latch checked and everything was fine, he was feeding properly - but for some reason it's just really not enough for him and something wasn't quite working. It was the same with DD) so I'm fairly sure now that this is the right thing to do and I do feel better about it. I think the sleep of 3 hours he had after the bottle last night, instead of the 20 mins sleep after a BF, may have helped

Thanks to everybody for all their thoughts and advice, it really did help.