Cross with DH, but also a bit confused

[Chinchilla]

Lately, it seems that my 13 (nearly 14) month ds is less interested in his morning feed, because, for the last few days, he has bitten me after his feed. Today, he hardly had any milk before biting me. This is fine with me, as it feels a good time to stop if ds wants to. He has had the benefit of 14 months of feeding, and now I only have to worry about getting him to drink cows' milk!

Anyway...that is not the problem. I mentioned the above to dh this morning, and he said "Good, it's about time that he stopped anyway. It's disgusting to feed them this long." When pushed, he said that he didn't think that I was disgusting, but that he didn't feel that children should be fed past a year, as they were no longer babies.

As I have already said, on another thread, I wanted to stop before ds could walk and talk, as I felt more comfortable about this, and I AM fine with stopping as ds seems to want to. What I am worried about is dh's comments. I feel a bit belittled by them. I told him about WHO's recommendations to feed children longer than a year (was it to age 2?), and told him that he should check his facts before spouting off about something that he knew nothing about. However, it has really p**sed me off.

I have been feeling a bit blue lately anyway, crying at the slightest things on TV etc. DH does do this quite often about various topics (I won't quote his recent one about people who go to the car boot sale that I intend to sell at on Sunday!), but this time it feels quite personal. I call him 'Victor' a lot now because he is turning into a right whinger about a lot of things, but I am thinking that maybe 'Alf Garnet' would be a better name!

Please all tell me that I'm not wrong to have fed ds this long. Up until now, I have felt proud of my achievement, as it is very unlike me to stick with something this long with such enthusiasm. Sorry to drone on!

Hey Chinchilla, my son is nearly a year and no sign of stopping yet. If you're disgusting, so am I. I say, well done for giving your baby a fantastic start in life. Your dh is wrong, I'm afraid. You're right and he's wrong. And what is it about men? Irritably Male Syndrome is everywhere. My dh is such a grumpy git sometimes. When I'm bouncing with happiness he seems particularly bad, like he's deliberately trying to take the joy out of life - but I still love him, huh, go figure.

Maybe he's a bit jealous? After all, with breastfeeding we have a bond with our children that they will never have. Plus men just do not understand the mysteries of breastfeeding or birth and some can feel threatened by this. Does he get involved with your ds in other ways? Perhaps you could suggest that he bathe ds, second to breastfeeding, bathing is a brilliant way of bonding with your child.

I must admit that before I had my dd, I would shrink away in horror if someone had breastfed in front of me. I didn't understand it and so maybe I felt threatened by it in some way. Now that I have done it with dd I find it completely natural, but am understanding of those who don't. He may also feel that ds is taking away your sexuality from you? If he sees your breasts as ds's feeding tools, he might find a problem seeing them in a sexual way too.

I don't want to seem to be making excuses for him, it was a thoughtless comment that is just typical of men isn't it? Try to talk to him about why he feels this way. But certainly wean ds when YOU want to, not because he wants you to.

No advice, but I breastfed ds until he was 10 months (expressing) and dd until 16 months. You have given your ds a great start in life and you certainly shouldn't feel guilty. Go with your heart.

Rhubarb - he does ds's bath most nights, so he is really good in that way.

He was pretty disgusted with his sister feeding past a year too, and, as I have said on another thread, it did SEEM weird to me too at the time. I also used to feel a bit uncomfortable at seeing people b/feed babies until I had done it myself, but I don't think that this is the problem, as he is always asleep when ds has his morning feed now.

I think that he just has strong views about things, and they are not always supported by facts. He has just told me that I shouldn't air my problems on this site!

I remember my dh saying to me that it was about time I 'packed that in' when ds no.3 crawled up the bed one morning and latched himself on still on his hands and knees, age 14 months. He had a full head of hair and looked older. He actually did stop himself a few days later.
When discussing it dh did say that although he knew it was the best thing for him, he felt ds was not a baby anymore and it didn't look right.
It was different with dd who was 15 months when she stopped. She was stll pretty bald and very petite so still looked like a baby. I was heartbroken when she stopped and tried for a few weeks to get her going again with dh's support, unfortunately to no avail.
Dh is entitled to his opinion which he expressed only at the end of my feeding days. I am glad he never tried to dissuade me actively. Your dh sounds the same Chinchilla. I don't think he meant to be critical. Maybe you should cut him some slack. They can't help being annoying

In that case Chinchilla tell him to get off your back or you will start criticising what HE does around the house and with your ds - I'm sure you can think of a few improvements for him!

I think that he did mean to be critical, but maybe not at me personally. He has very strong views on things, and doesn't mind saying them out loud (to me). Unfortunately, as we don't have many couple friends to socialise with, I seem to bear the brunt of these comments without any back up. I only manage to stand up for myself because I read things on this site which give me ammunition to say 'Well actually, you are wrong on this because...'

I think that, because I am a SAHM, I feel a bit persona non grata, and he is getting a bit too much into the 'head of the household' role!

I'm just so unhappy at the moment, and everything seems to be getting too much. Maybe I'm being too sensitive about this, but it just seems to be the last straw. He suggested that I do a mid-week Car Boot Sale, so that he wouldn't have to get up early on Sunday if ds wakes up early. When I said that I couldn't because (amongst other reasons), there wouldn't be many people there buying, he said that there would, because people who go to car boot sales must be on the dole anyway. (See what I mean about uninformed comments!)

I go to car boot sales all the time! If you are feeling taken for granted how about doing something for you? Do some voluntary work when he is home in the evenings - the Samaritans always need volunteers if you are up for it, or how about an evening class. That way he has to look after ds for a couple of hours and you get to do something that will boost your confidence and make you feel whole again!

Has he ever wondered what it would be like to be sole carer of your ds? A girly holiday might be called for if you can afford it!

sorry you are feeling miserable, chinchilla. i agree with rhubarb, maybe getting away from it all with some girl friends would give you a much needed boost and at the same time your dh would appreciate you a bit more having done the childcare duties for once.

hope you are feeling more cheerful soon.

I am having a weekend with my sister at the end of the month, and I am concerned about some aspects of it! I think that it will do dh the world of good to have ds for two days - not sure about the benefits for ds though!

I am waiting for my surgery to get funding for me to be trained to be a b/f counsellor, which seems to be taking its time. That will be good though. Also, I was going to do an Italian For Beginners course at the local college, but the course brochure did not came through the letter box this year, and I forgot to telephone them to find out about it. So...now it is already September, and too late.

Sorry everyne, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. 'Nobody likes me' etc etc. I'm sure that I'll be fine tomorrow.

Not too late to the course, there are always cancellations and drop-outs, get them rung girl! And a bit of father-son bonding will be great for your ds! Even if his dad gets it all wrong, just to spend some time with his dad will be an enormous boost for him and a well deserved break for you. Just don't phone every hour ok?!

chinchilla for a long time I have wanted to start a thread on mumsnet titled "My husband is a grumpy git" .Looks like it might be a popular topic

you said:

"I think that he just has strong views about things, and they are not always supported by facts. He has just told me that I shouldn't air my problems on this site! "

My dh is exactly the same.He never lets the facts get in the way of a good moan.

I am concerned you are feeling a bit low at the moment.
Do you know why this is the case? Can you talk to your husband about it, or is he part of the problem?

No ks - he has always been like that, although he seems to be worse lately! It is just that, because of the way that I am feeling at the mo, I am less tolerant of it, and maybe don't react well.

I do love him for the good side of him. There are many aspects of him that are wonderful. He is a good daddy, was very supportive when I suffered from depression, is very good around the house, we like doing the same things, he is very generous. I think that, because he works from home, and I am at home a lot with ds, we see too much of each other, and not enough of other people. We probably need more space and to meet other people.

We got on really well when we had a night alone last weekend, for our anniversary, so I know that nothing has changed in our one-to-one relationship. I think that having ds has made both of us re-evaluate the way we see things, and I am perhaps seeing a more bigoted side than I am used to, and am feeling less valuable as a person, because I am not in a busy and mentally stimulating job anymore.

Jasper - love the idea for the thread - but don't go there. Do we really want to cause any more divorces than necessary???

No, he is not the only cause of me feeling down. I feel useless (except as ds's mother, which dh has said I am good at - high praise indeed!) I am naturally a very depressive person, and have suffered from depression before. I think that I am feeling understimulated mentally, but am loath to get a job because I had ds so that I could bring him up myself. I don't want to miss anything. I could do an evening course, but can't rely on dh to take over, because he often has to go out of his home office to see customers at short notice, and has told me not to expect me to always be available. My mum offered to step in if necessary, but I don't want the hassle of this to make him say 'I told you it would be a nightmare if you did a course'.

I also think that ds being such a whinger all his life so far has made me very down. I love him so much, but sometimes wonder if he will ever be a happy little boy. When he has a happy half hour, I feel tonnes better in myself, and the world seems a much better place.

Finally, my body is yearning for another baby. Because of the moaner that ds has been, and my horrible pregnancy and birth, dh is none too keen to have another one. Although I can totally understand how he feels, and my head feels the same way, my body says 'GIVE ME ANOTHER BABY NOW' all day long.

Chinchilla - I'm sorry that you are going through such a bad time. I can totally empathise with your body wanting another baby - mine does too but DH is not there yet. I thought it was just money but have found out that he's not sure he can go through the first 3 months again.

Re - seeing too much of your husband. Can you and DS not get out of the house more? When my DH is working from home I try and get out as much as possible. Also it doesn't really seem on that your DH is not prepared to set aside time when he will be available to care for your DS. For an evening class you are only talking a couple of hours a week out of what - 168 hours.

Good that you are going away with your sister though. Enjoy. And the others are right it will be good for DS. I know its hard to let go but a couple of days with his Dad will be great for him.

My body started screaming out for another baby too - despite a horrendous time when I was pregnant! I decided to fix a goal for myself to aim for, I am starting college this month one afternoon a week, and dd will be in the creche, I am also doing evening classes in French. My aim is for this time next year to move to France for six months, maybe a year to teach, whilst dh can look after dd for a change. Having a goal to aim for has put aside any broody feelings I might get and given me a much needed boost.

It sounds as if your dh can be very supportive when he needs to be, so I'm sure he would support any plans you make. You need to get some self-respect back. Phone your college to ask about that Italian course, most courses don't start until later this month so you might still be ok. And there are always drop outs too. I don't know how old your ds is but how about getting him in a nursery for a couple of afternoons a week? It would give you a break and he would benefit from meeting other children and getting that extra stimulation. Your HV should have a list of nurseries and costs.

I hope things pick up for you soon.

My body started screaming out for another baby too - despite a horrendous time when I was pregnant! I decided to fix a goal for myself to aim for, I am starting college this month one afternoon a week, and dd will be in the creche, I am also doing evening classes in French. My aim is for this time next year to move to France for six months, maybe a year to teach, whilst dh can look after dd for a change. Having a goal to aim for has put aside any broody feelings I might get and given me a much needed boost.

It sounds as if your dh can be very supportive when he needs to be, so I'm sure he would support any plans you make. You need to get some self-respect back. Phone your college to ask about that Italian course, most courses don't start until later this month so you might still be ok. And there are always drop outs too. I don't know how old your ds is but how about getting him in a nursery for a couple of afternoons a week? It would give you a break and he would benefit from meeting other children and getting that extra stimulation. Your HV should have a list of nurseries and costs.

I hope things pick up for you soon.

Doh!

Chincilla, personally I think your DH's comment was out of line - he may pride himself on being honest, but it was actually really rude given your circumstances, and I think you should have said so. On wanting to get out what about hiring some help? You could advertise in Simply Childcare magazine for somebody to look after DS, and it sounds as if you could do with the break. Childcare for a few hours a week will not break the bank.

Finally lots of sympathy over whether to go for another child or not. DS was lots of hard work for the first six months, and DH admits this has put him off repeating the experience - something we will need to work through. But at least it sounds as if you and your DH are getting on OK most of the time, which is great. But don't let him run down your achievements.

Thanks everybody. My ds didn't have any milk today, and seemed really happy with that, so I have decided to move on, and forget dh's comments (which he now says he didn't mean like that anyway).

Felt a bit down today, but think that I will be OK. I DO need to get out more on my own, so am going to look into it more.

Thanks again.

Chinchilla, only just read this (as was feeling self obsessed yesterday ) - sorry you're feeling this way.

Do you think you get more easily offended because, apart from looking after ds (which I know is a big job) you aren't focusing on other things too? I mean things like getting out and meeting other people, or seeing friends/mother and toddler groups or something. I say this because I remember a phone conversation with a (childless, working) friend when my ds was about the same age where I banged on for ages about some minor mistake Barclaycard had made on my account. When I'd got to the end of my tirade and drew breath long enough to say "what do you think?" she said "Bloody hell, I think you need to get out more"

I'm not saying this is the case with you nor am I suggesting that you need to get out more, I just know that I did at the time and didn't realise until later that I'd been letting small things get to me as I didn't have any 'big' things to deal with (other than childcare which can be mind numbingly boring sometimes!) Sorry if I'm way off the mark here. I agree, you are NOT wrong to keep b/feeding as long as you have though and it was an insensitive comment.

I can imagine that if you and dp are together all day you could get niggly with each other. I sometimes get the feeling that ds is sick of the sight of me after a few days if we haven't done much socialising! But it's good that you know your relationship is still fundamentally strong.

I don't think there are many dhs/dps who like the thought that we're talking very openly and honestly here. It's a man thing... Hope things improve for you.