Is it possible to BF and not lose myself?

[ChocolateRaisin]

I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and have a 2yr old. I bf DD until she was 21 months and stopped because my supply dried up due to pregnancy and I was also experiencing a strong aversion.

I’m so glad that I could bf my daughter for so long but honestly, in hindsight it was at a significant cost to my MH and quality of life.

She cluster fed for 8hrs every evening for the first 4 months of her life. I couldn’t leave her for more than an hour or so for the first year of her life as she would be hysterical without being able to bf very regularly, she woke 1-2 hourly every night from 3-16 months and would only settle by being fed. I couldn’t leave the house in the evening until she was nearly 18 months old when we finally got a gentle sleep consultant in to help with sleep because I was genuinely unwell due to long term sleep deprivation.

I had quite bad postpartum anxiety and was completely unable to leave her knowing that she would be very upset and wouldn’t settle without me. I felt trapped, it was relentless. She was a high needs baby and I got no break for a long time, despite DH doing his very best to support me.

I felt like I was finally getting myself back a bit and enjoying a bit of time to myself occasionally when I fell pregnant again, a bit earlier than planned.

I really don’t want to go back to that life. I just can’t do it. We tried to introduce a bottle and dummy at 6 weeks which was too late and she absolutely refused them. To be honest, the thought of breastfeeding is filling me with dread. I am considering making sure baby gets colostrum and then switching to formula. Or trying to introduce a dummy and bottle much earlier so that baby is able to be settled and fed by DH and combi feed.

I feel guilty that somehow I won’t be doing the ‘best’ by this baby like I did with DD. I know it’s stupid and that formula is absolutely fine but I seem to have some kind of mental block about it. I don’t want to be the only source of comfort and nutrition. I don’t want to have to do every bedtime and wake up and effectively be chained to a baby for another 18 months. Some women are much more selfless than me and are more than happy to do that, I really don’t want to do that this time.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. Any advice welcome.

If you don't want to, don't do it. I really struggled with BF and have promised myself that next time I'll give the baby colostrum, then introduce a bottle immediately so I can either mix feed or formula feed entirely. If s/he starts showing bottle aversion I'll stop BFing all together.

Hi op. I can identify with some of your post. My first son breastfed for 18 months and sounds similar to your first - a velcro baby, mega cluster feeds and always fed to sleep. I've just had my second - he is 13 weeks old - and this time is so different. He didn't do nearly so much cluster feeding and he usually was done by 9pm or 10pm ready for his first stint of sleep. He's a much better sleeper overall and doesn't even really feed to sleep- he comes off and sucks his fingers to fall asleep. You could give it a go with number 2 and may find it much easier too! Of course if not then there's no problem switching to formula- do whatever works for you.

I was in a similar situation. What helped was to think about it differently. I saw formula (choosing to combine feed) as the very thing that would enable me to breastfeed my second both in terms of practicalities with a toddler and in terms of my mental health. We have had a lovely breastfeeding relationship and my toddler has had all the attention too. If I'd tried to EBF i might have given up far sooner than I have; instead, we've had a long bf journey!

Also, nothing wrong with formula either! I ended up formula feeding my first precisely because issues with bfing took such a toll on my mental health. That's why I made the decision to combo feed this time but if it hadn't worked out I'd have gone straight to formula

I formula fed from day 2. So glad i demanded formula, I didnt cope with the 24 hours they tried to get dd to bf. I hated it.
Was even happier when no milk even came in, none of the issues to deal with either lol

You dont have to BF and you have every right to want to share the load of feeding, comfort and all that.
You have every right to regain you and your body.
Dont listen to the stupid breast is best crap. Its not best if you end up mentally unwell and resenting the baby.

Everyone has their limit. It sounds like you did an incredibly difficult and selfless thing, but that it wasn't necessarily the right thing for you, on reflection. That's ok. You can do things differently this time. We, the internet, give you permission to make a different choice this time.

I don't think anyone can judge someone else's comfort level with breastfeeding (and particularly not those who found feeding easy and/or had a calm, chilled baby).

I decided I would feed my baby with whatever option worked best at the time on a feed by feed basis. If it was the middle of the night and I didn’t want to go downstairs and make a bottle I would breastfeed. If I was in the middle of bathtime with the older child DH would make a bottle (of expressed milk if we had any, of formula if we didn’t). If I was at work without the baby I would pump some and they could have it later. If we were stuck in a 20 mile motorway tailback without any bottle making facilities for 2.5 hours (as we were once) I would breastfeed, if I wanted to go out I’d go out and baby would have freezer milk or formula.

Feed after feed, no pressure, no harm, no problem, just whatever made sense at the time. I introduced the first bottle at 2 weeks, and it turned out that when baby did have a bottle it was nearly always expressed milk because it turns out I didn’t mind pumping and I found breast milk easier to handle, store and transport than formula milk.

I ended up feeding breast milk until around 15 months, I think the last direct breastfeed was at about 11 months but I didn’t know it was the last one, so I didn’t notice really. After the freezer milk ran out we went onto cow milk.

I was very happy with my decision and how it went. Good luck.

I mixed fed the third. Colostrum and then introduced bottles and did a mix for this exact reason.

See how it goes. DD1 was exactly the same as yours, cluster fed, refused bottles, wanted a boob within arms reach at all times day and night.
DD2 feeds completely differently. She's an efficient little feeder and feeds roughly every 3 hours. She latches like a champion and I can feed her in the sling/whilst carrying her and keep up with DD1. I've found breastfeeding so much easier this time round.

8 hours of cluster feeding for months sounds exhausting. You might find that the next baby is less demanding, as every baby is different.
Have you considered combination feeding so they can have the benefits of breastfeeding but also share the load with your partner, or offer a bottle if you're too tired to breastfeed. It can be a good compromise.

Nothing's guaranteed, but my first was constant for the first 5 months, merely fairly constant for the next 6, and was still having night feeds at 18months. He was just hungry (although putting on weight perfectly).

Next one was so easy - within weeks was having his last feed at 10, and not again until 6am, and self-weaned entirely at 8 months (he got a taste of real food, and just wasn't interested in breast milk any more after a couple of months - he was eating full roast dinners, and quaffing from cups of water before he was one.)

Having said that, since you've got no idea who'll you'll get, if you're dreading it, don't do it. Your baby will be fine either way

Hi op, I thought it was difficult with dd1 but it sounds like you had a really exhausting time with your dc 1, not sure I could have coped with that!!
As it was, I was thinking that I’m not going to stress if it’s difficult with dd2.
We did have some difficulties in the early days as she had jaundice and stopped feeding well. We explored formula but I found it a faff having to make bottles up and also decided I liked breastfeeding.
Now her feeding is good, very different from dd1. She’s actually happy (so far!) to be put down and settle herself for a while in her cot (unheard of for dd1) and I’m getting more sleep already.
I’d say see how it goes and what works for you both.
Wishing you a sleepy happy baby as you’ve done your time with a Velcro baby!!

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I have completely ruled out ebf already, I know for myself I can’t do that again. I am considering combi feeding and thought about trying to pump instead of formula but I just don’t think I can do that either.

It’s really good to hear that second time around others have found it easier, that gives me hope. DH really wants me to formula feed as he doesn’t want me to have to go through all that again, though if I decide to combi feed he’ll be supportive of that.

I wish I didn’t feel such pressure to bf, it’s mainly from myself. A midwife asked me if I was intending to breastfeed and when I answered that I wasn’t sure she immediately started pressuring me to give it more consideration. After I told her what I had been though with DD she completely changed her tune and said formula would be absolutely fine and to try and give colostrum but that my MH and being happy has much more influence on a happy and healthy baby than whether he or she is bf or formula fed.

I think I’ll try combi feeding with formula from the off and change to formula completely if it gets too much.