Panic attacks breastfeeding

[RLI1105]

Hi everyone, just looking for some advice and/or support.

I have a beautiful 10 day old baby boy and always assumed I would breastfeed but in a tale I'm sure as old as time it has been extremely difficult.

I have extremely large boobs (34JJ) and small nipples and my baby has never managed to latch on - not once. I have an NCT breastfeeding counsellor and she got me nipple shields which he can latch on with but poorly. My nipples are cracked and sore but I've been trying to push through.

I was an emergency c section so stayed in a bit longer and had a stressful stay. I got no support whatsoever from the midwives and would stay up most the night squeezing out 1ml of collustrum to give him. I ended up giving some formula because he was dehydrated and literally getting 5mls if he was lucky.

We're now at home and I have never felt this low in my life. I dread feeding him although I also get extremely stressed if he goes too long so I really struggle to sleep. He has put on weight but slowly. The midwife thinks the shield is stopping him fully emptying the breast so wants me to top him up with expressed which he guzzles. She visited yesterday and she wants me to try for no longer than 40 minutes to latch him and if he struggles then give him expressed and then I can express the rest off. Apparently I should be expressing every 3 hours. If I'm relaxed I can manage. If I'm anxious (99.9% of the time) then nothing comes.

Yesterday afternoon/all night he didn't latch properly once and I know he didn't get much milk. We gave him 3 50ml top ups which he guzzled.

When I got up at 3 to feed and he wouldn't latch again I ended up having a panic attack - the first of my life which was terrifying.
I feel like the most terrible mother that I can't feed my baby properly and the anxiety the whole situation is giving me is crippling.

Has anyone had a positive experience weaning off nipple shields with large boobs? I have a good support system but everyone just says you need to give it weeks. I don't know if mentally I can do that but would take any encouragement.
Has anyone else suffering from a new bout of anxiety due to feeding? If so did anything help?

Sorry for being so long winded. I feel helpless.

I read this the other day but didn't have time to respond. I really feel for you. My second baby had a tongue tie and he got it snipped at 6 months. His feeding improved after this. (Obvs by 6 months he was able to have solids too, which he found easier). I don't know what your current pump is - or even what pumps are like these days - but I found an electric pump was far better. When I found the best pump things were easier. Having said all of this please do not tie yourself in knots if you would just prefer that baby just went down the formula route! I have had 4 babies, a while back admittedly, and they all fed differently. One was happy to have either breast or formula and had a strong suck. One was breastfed then had a nursing strike at 4 months and I had to unexpectedly switch to bottles. One had a tongue tie and I would have been happy if he had drank anything - lemonade even. And of course number 4 breastfed for 2 years and wouldn't stop! I think I am trying to say that feeding a baby isn't just controlled by you, it is also the baby's circumstances and physical nature. The important thing is the baby feeds (which you realising this is why you became so stressed) and I'm so glad you are now in touch with a supportive lady who can guide you in your situation. Please let us know how you get on and do everything you can to stay a happy mum.

OP I live in the states so don't know what is available on the NHS or otherwise but here in the US you can rent electric breast pumps. I never used them and it could take me a long time to express. I knew many friends who rented the pumps because they needed to go back to work and they said they were fantastic. Milk was expressed quickly and so another way to cut down on anxiety. (BTW I don't know any woman who hasn't felt completely inadequate when caring for a newborn, please try not to be hard on yourself).
Best wishes, it will get better we promise! x

Short article on hormone imbalance after birth
www.google.com/amp/s/amp.flo.health/being-a-mom/recovering-from-birth/postpartum-problems/hormones-after-birth