Obsessing over my failure to BF

[Cherrylilac]

This is a really long post and just something I want to get off my chest and feel like I can’t talk to anyone about.

I’m a FTM, My baby is 7 weeks old and each day that goes by my feelings of guilt and failure get worse and worse.

When I was pregnant I was very open minded about feeding and ultimately knew that regardless of what happened fed was best. My hospital bag was packed with nipple cream, breast pads and ready to go formula just to cover all bases and every eventuality.

Baby was born via forceps after a 22 hour labour, I was overwhelmed and in shock. I wasn’t given immediate skin to skin and after about an hour I was helped with trying to BF, she seemed to latch but wouldn’t suck at all so the midwife hand expressed and fed baby with a syringe. Later in the day a MWS worker came to my room and tried again, still no sucking action from baby and she told me she would be back in half an hour, she didn’t come back and after about 2 hours I felt upset and stressed at the thought that baby hadnt eaten for about 6 hours (as a FTM I had no idea what i was doing) so I reached for one of the bottles packed in my bag and baby absolutely guzzled it down. After I turned to formula breastfeeding was never mentioned by anyone in the hospital again so no further support was offered. When I came home from the hospital and was visited by the community MW she tried again to get breastfeeding with no luck.

During the process I was told that my boobs ‘are just really big’ ‘quite low down’ ‘nipples are flat’ I was in a lot of pain from the episiotomy and forceps, exhausted from being awake for days on end and when baby was 5 days old she developed thrush in her mouth so breastfeeding was never attempted again.

Now that I’m out of the fog I can’t stop beating myself up. I wish I had tried harder, kept trying, educated myself more whilst I was pregnant and not assumed because BF is natural I would be able to do it. I wish I had been more pushy and pressed my call button for help in the hospital instead of not wanting to bother anyone. I wish I hadn’t taken codine so I didn’t have to wait for it to leave my system. Wish I had bought an electric pump instead of getting absolutely no where with a hand pump.

Every single day I think about what I could have done differently and how I regret what happened. I constantly google things that aren’t helping. I’m convincing myself that my baby doesn’t know I’m her mum, is going to get some horrible disease, she’s colicky and when she is crying in pain I blame myself for her pain because of the milk I’m giving her.

I don’t have a great relationship with my own mum and I feel like I’ve failed my baby from the very get go. I feel ashamed when we have any appointments and they ask about feeding. When I was pregnant I was open minded about feeding so my feelings have really surprised me and kind of caught me off guard.

If only I could turn back time. I hope I will stop feeling like this one day.

I don’t know if it will help but I had a very tough labour with ds, he was horribly collicky, very hard work, I struggled to bond with him... all this DESPITE breastfeeding exclusively for the first 4 months. He then decided he hadn’t been hard work enough so refused to breastfeed - would scream every time I tried to feed him but would eventually take a bottle. After a week of skin to skin, tears, trying everything I could I gave up and bottle fed and refused to feel guilty because everything was hard work. I then had dd 2 years later and she breastfed for over a year. I did NOTHING different. She was a totally different child very chilled and happy. Try not to beat yourself up, every child is different. You did the best thing you could in a difficult situation. Your child is happy and fed. You are an amazing mum. Take care of yourself x

I don’t have much in the way of advice because I couldn’t Breast feed any of my DC.....and the same as you, as I felt guilty, felt like I’d done something wrong, wasn’t good enough etc.
But, I was.
All of my DC are happy, healthy (rarely ever ill, never get the coughs/ colds/tummy bugs that go round school)
I don’t know why I couldn’t do it...I was only 18 when I had DD and I think I was so overwhelmed with everything that just making sure she was fed was my priority, it didn’t really matter how.
There are sooooooooo many ways to be a wonderful mum and as long as your baby is fed and happy, it doesn’t matter if that’s from a boob or a bottle.
Give yourself a break. Try not to focus on what you ‘couldn’t’or ‘didn’t’ do and focus on what you did and can do. 💐

Please let go of the guilt . It's not easy breastfeeding. I prepared as much as I could , read books , attended classes , and I had multiple midwifes helping me over 5 days in the hospital and I was still struggling by the time I was discharged to the point I was only expressing because I was exhausted and worn out with trying to latch.

I had to hire a private breastfeeding consultant and I also had two appointments with specialist breastfeeding support and also support from my health vistor . Also hired a hospital grade pump to help with expressing.

I have had many chats with my heath visitor about this . She says they really aren't honest about breastfeeding because they don't want to put women off trying . They have also cut support in my area . I'm not sure if you are going to baby classes or not yet but you will find when you speak to other mums you are not alone . Although I have managed it took a massive toll on me mentally and I feel gutted it ruined my early days . Please please don't do the same . If you keep feeling this way please talk to someone . Be kind to yourself .

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time I know it’s difficult but you’ve tried your best, and at least you gave it a try. The fact that your baby got the colostrum that first feed is amazing. You shouldn’t feel guilty, just do as much skin to skin as you can, the baby will just want to be close with you. The baby will definitely know you’re their Mum, skin to skin and giving them eye contact is all they need to bond. You don’t see any difference between breastfed and bottlefed babies, my baby combination feeds due to a tough start with painful breastfeeding due to slight tongue tie, it started off I would only breastfeed her once a day, and bottlefeed at all other times, now she’s almost exclusively breastfed, but she did seem to settle better with a bottle, formula is fine. You’re doing amazing, just try and enjoy your baby, Mum guilt is rubbish. You could try and get an electric pump to get your milk supply up and try again, or just keep letting the baby try to latch, if just for comfort even, but it’s really up to you, do whatever you want to, but it sounds like you’re doing great as it is!

Sounds like you've had a tough time, it's ok to ff- the main thing to realise if you both need to be happy - move on from the bf - it's hard and horrible for many women, sounds like your baby was finding it hard too, but the baby is happy now, so be kind to yourself, it just wasn't for your baby that's all
Enjoy being a mummy and put it behind you now

Please be gentle with yourself.
There are several issues- your difficulty feeding, and your worry about your relationship, which is coloured by your experiences with your mum.

I have a difficult relationship with my mum. All through pregnancy I had horrible anxiety about how I would bond, how I would parent. In the early days I had some awful feelings about not being good enough, not getting it right and causing long term problems for my child.
The truth is, our relationship is different to mine and my mums. I’m not perfect. I have days where I make mistakes, do things I regret. But I love my dd unconditionally, and I know she feels that.

I think what I am trying to say is, where there is ‘history’ you look for the ‘problems’. It took me a long time- maybe 18 months- to accept that I am good enough, and what we have is different. You are aware of the difficulties you can cause, because your mum did it to you. This makes you less likely to repeat them, not more likely.

The new born stage is brutal. When the thoughts creep in, try to turn them into a positive. I’m worried we are not bonding because I’m giving a bottle- what can I do? Perhaps give your self permission to just snuggle for an hour. Ignore the world. Put on favourite music, comfiest clothes and consciously enjoy a cuddle, or have a bath together. It gets easier, I promise.

Many congratulations on your new baby I am sure you are doing a wonderful job, however you need to stop feeling guilty! Bf is really tough, I managed it with both of mine but that was largely because I got a huge amount of support, first in the hospital, then by the community midwife and then through volunteer groups. These individuals nursed and supported me, like you I have large breast, that do not sit perkily upright and flat nipples, but at my lowest point nobody pointed this out. The fact that this message has been delivered to you when you were at your lowest, suggests the outcome was a foregone conclusion and the reason why . But from another perspective, your baby only knows your breast and could , with the right support, have bf. The system failed you.

There is any number of reasons why your baby struggled with bf, it could be complex in that a tongue tie restricted tongue movement or more simply that your milk needed to be expressed more frequently using hand expression or a hospital grade pump, either way neither seems to have mentioned and therefore was not discussed?

Please take heart in that you are not to blame, you are not the perfect parent and this is the first, in a long line, of experiences that did not go well!!! Start researching positive things which will help you move on and start focusing on the positives of being a mum.

If you dont feel able to move on positively, please speak to your health visitor for rl support

Ugh, I'm so sorry for you, OP. I feel so angry on your behalf reading your post.

You didn't fail. You - and your baby - were failed. You should have been given better support at hospital. You shouldn't have been subject to stupid and ignorant 'advice' about the size or shape of your boobs or nipples. Health professionals should have actively checked that you had everything you needed to feed your baby in a biologically normal way, not relied on you 'pushing' for it.

The state of breastfeeding support in this country is shocking. We are letting mums and babies down so badly.

But as others have said, formula is an acceptable food for babies; and by doing things like responsive feeding, skin-to-skin etc you will be giving your baby some of the same benefits. EBF babies can get colicky as well.

Have you considered getting some support to talk about it all; process it a bit? Counselling of some sort?

Thank you for your kind replies. I know I will eventually feel better about it, it just feels like a bit of a grieving process at the moment and still very fresh. My lowest point was about a week ago when my MIL was telling me that baby was lactose intolerant and that’s why she has colic (she isn’t lactose intolerant but way to kick someone when they’re down) I started a desperate attempt to pump even though I knew there was nothing in there!

I’m trying to look for some positives of what I can learn from the experience. I know it sounds silly but birth just really knocked me for 6 and I think I was in shock for a while afterwards. My recovery felt much worse than I imagined it would be, I was prescribed iron tablets due to heavy blood loss which led to horrendous constipation. I couldn’t even sit on the toilet due to the episiotomy and the constipation had me screaming and crying in the bathroom for 3 days. So at the time I just didn’t know my own mind and didn’t realise how quickly my milk would go. I will be forever grateful for my baby’s safe delivery but it very much felt like I was on a conveyor belt and no one had time to give me the support I needed after the birth. Xx

Birth can be extremely traumatising. The fact that you are worrying about this indicates you are a good mum. Love the baby do your best and you will be as good as mother as anyone can be.

Oh OP I literally tortured myself with guilt after my first DD was born when I gave up BF at 4 weeks. It really spoiled the next few weeks. So I understand. Shes 16 now and doesn't give two hoots about how I fed her! Please enjoy your baby, she will be absolutely fine on formula like millions of babies. And with my next DD I managed 13 months of BF because I was much less stressed about having to use formula if needed.

Try not to think of it as failing to breast feed, but as succeeding to fulfil the needs of your child in the best way you can. I breast fed my dd and she has both coeliac disease and asthma! It's not a miracle cure for things. Friend had a baby 7 weeks early and he is on vitamins that he wouldn't need if on formula. I'm sure your dd will bond with you exactly as she would regardless of hownyou feed her!

Relactation may be possible, if you want to try. The long and short of it will be put baby to breast and see if she can latch and stimulate supply

BF is hard, and to be honest, I do sometimes regret putting myself in a position where I did have to do all the night feeds etc as sleep deprivation kicked me really hard.