hi Hobnob,
So sorry to hear all you've been through - well done on getting so far though. My DS is nearly 1 now and we went through a similar thing to you. Only with his reflux, he was sick after every feed, so nothing was getting through. At 3 months, consultant said I had to supplement bf with bottle to put weight on. I had already tried cutting out dairy (there are strong links with this and reflux) and I don't eat wheat, but didn't seem to help. Eventually at 4.5 months I went totally to bottle for 3 days (while expressing) and the difference was so dramatic, I had to take the decision to formula feed instead with nutramigen, so you have done so much better than me (re. sleeping, it still took a couple of months for him to get big enough to sleep through night without feed).
So, re. your diet - you say you can't live without spaghetti bolognese, I assume you are eating gluten-free spaghetti, if you are cutting out gluten? There are some great ranges in all supermarkets. You might also want to check out which ones don't have egg or soya in either, as these are strong allergens - I think the rice pasta is best option. I found that I ate a lot of turkey, fruit, veg, rice, sweet potatoes, dates (excellent for a sweet kick), when I was cutting out allergens.
Re. her milk - have you tried giving nutramigen from a cup instead of a bottle to see if this helps? I was lucky in that DS went fairly easily to bottle, but he was probably starving!! Also, I used Tommee Tippee bottles, which apparently are good for going between breast and bottle. But, DS has glugged water from cup from fairly young - when started weaning, so maybe this is worth a shot for you?
Re. her food - my DS has been fed an entirely dairy, gluten and wheat free diet so far until we have started introducing v. recently some of these - tried wheat a while back and it didn't seem great, in that he started to wet through at night again, but tried egg this weekend with no bad effects, so it can get better. DS has flourished on fruit, veg (all sorts, but sweet potato big favourite), cod and sweet potato (Annabel Karmel recipe), beef casserole using gluten free flour (although sounds like you might need to avoid this), chicken pieces (really shredded small), porridge, banana - he started really slowly on weaning, due to reflux I think and we pureed longer than for some babies, but now he loves nothing better than to eat things he can pick up in his hands.
Anyway, hope that some of this helps and good luck with it, I know it can be so tough. We have had no joy with GP agreeing to intolerance testing (apparently there's no point until he's 5 !), but hope you fare better.