Is it ok to say enough is enough

[Learivs1990]

I had my baby girl 6 weeks ago she is my second child, ds1 is 2 years old. I tried breastfeeding ds1 but he was tongue tied and I very quickly realised it was not going to work and I needed to let it go.
I was determined to try again this time and for the first two days it seemed to be going well, although I was feeding constantly I was on strong painkillers from c section and didn’t notice the pain. By day 3 when I was home my nipples were scabbed and by day 5 despite the help of two midwifes each feed was pain from start to finish. As she fed of one boob the other boob bled. I felt like I hated her and cried everytime she stirred. My ds1 asked me if I was upset cow I didn’t love him anymore. So with support from midwife and husband I gave her a bottle and it was instant relief. She has taken to bottle feeding is settled and gaining weight well but I cannot forgive myself. I tried expressing but couldn’t get enough to justify it with trying to be a parent to two little ones aswell.
It is tearing me apart and I am always upset. I lost my mum 4 years ago so I already feel low about not having her support and hormones are raging but I have even started to feel like my kids would be better off without me and I should leave.
Unfortunately for my daughter I have lost my mind and on several occasions tried to relatch her and try again, this has always resulted in her screaming until i give her a bottle and my nipples bleeding and hurting all over again.
I really just want to enjoy being a mum to both of my beautiful children and just appreciate how lucky I am to have them both.
I suppose I just want someone to say it’s ok to let it go and just accept it wasn’t for me. Sorry for the long crazy post

If you want to stop, then stop :) it's absolutely fine. I struggled to BF my first and I beat myself up over it, but by the time I had my second I was happy to combi feed and switch purely to formula after a few weeks. Well done for giving it a go :)

Nobody needs to tell you or give you permission to stop.
If you want to keep going talk to a lactation specialist or give the National Breastfeeding Line a ring.
Talk to them.
Midwives are not always trained on BFing.
Not normal to bleed or that amount of pain.
If you want to try then ask the experts.
If you want to stop then stop.
But don’t give up thinking this is what it is meant to be and you are not capable.

It’s okay to stop. Of course it is. It sounds like you’ve given it your all and bloody well done to you for your heroic efforts. But it’s okay to stop now. You need to find your happiness with your two lovely DC and enjoy (if that’s the right word!) these precious early days. Be kind to yourself. There are lots of reasons breastfeeding may not work out and it’s rarely down to the mum in question not giving it her all. I have no doubt this was not your fault.

Time to move on. There’ll be plenty of other reasons for desperate parenting guilt in the years to come- you’ve done your time on this one! Now get stuck in to some lovely new baby snuggles

You’ve done better than me i tried for a whole 24 hours felt so abandoned by the staff in the ward and it was too upsetting watching the wee man red faced crying that i sent my husband out to get pre made bottles.

It is absolutely ok to say enough is enough!
My baby is also 6 weeks old and I BF for 3 weeks. I had chunks out of my nipples which were infected and I was in pain for the whole feed.
I too was devastated when we changed to bottles, spent the whole day crying and felt like I had failed BUT it’s more important for baby to have a happy mum than you being in pain!
Sounds like your baby is happy on the bottle and now you can concentrate on cuddles 😊

Time will heal 😊

Thank you everyone

If you're struggling emotionally with missing your mum, ladies in my post-natal groups who are also grieving their mothers more than ever since having their own children recommend this book www.amazon.co.uk/Motherless-Mothers-Losing-Mother-Shapes/dp/0060532467?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

The relief was instant. Formula today is so carefully monitored. It’s not poison, children can and do thrive on it. She’s had colostrum at the beginning of life which is excellent for her. It will be so much better for her to have you not crying in pain, being able to enjoy feeding her. And with another older child it might be quite nice to have some flexibility on who feeds her if you want. And I can’t see how expressing with two children is going to be workable. That might give you the worst of both worlds as you miss out on cuddles whilst you’re pumping. You’re being amazing!

You just need to believe that what you've decided / will decide IS the right decision for you and your family. I know I beat myself up over not breastfeeding for as long as I'd hoped but over time I realised it didn't matter so longs my lo was happy and healthy, I wish I could go back and not have fretted so much over it!x

Look they just need to be fed at the end of the day. You tried your best. I would second seeing a lactation consultant if you want to still give bf a go & to use Lansinoh to help heal your nips. Expressing milk is another method, also mix feeding.
I don't know why this is but in the last few years the bf pendulum has swung too much the other way and it's making many mums feel incredibly guilty when it doesn't work out.
I did bf my 3 but if it didn't work out for me after getting help then I'd switch to formula and not feel an ounce of guilt about it. My relative got quite bad PND after being unable to bf and felt like the baby was rejecting her. Mum's MH is important too. Look after yourself first and enjoy this time with your baby.

I lost my mum a couple of years before my first child was born, too. It sharpened the grief, longing for her help and wisdom and knowing she’d never meet my daughter or know I was a mother now as well.

Please be gentle with yourself.

I BF my little boy until 8 months and one day just thought I’m fed up of this and just wanted to stop. No issues with feeding. I beat myself up for being selfish. But it’s totally up to you, or us, as mothers. 6 weeks is a great triumph. Be pleased with how far you’ve come and if you want to stop then do. Your mental wellbeing is a massive factor in this too.

That post was meant to be supportive of your choice and not a pat on the back for me btw-I have just reread. The point I hoped to make was that you’ve done fantastically and there’s no shame in stopping for your own well being. Happy mum, happy baby!

Please don’t give this issue anymore headspace. Feeding is going well, move on and enjoy your baby!

You've given it your all. Breastfeeding is not more important than your mental health and it sounds like your baby is doing well on bottles so forgive yourself and enjoy your healthy children. I went through the same as you and its taken me a long time to get over the fact that I couldn't do it, but now mine are 3 I realise in the long run it really doesn't matter.

Oh sweetheart - sending you love.

My twins were tube fed and couldn’t breastfeed at all for weeks, and then despite my very best efforts it just wasn’t happening.

On the one hand I needed someone to say to me it was okay to stop. On the others I’m not sure it would have mattered because actually I really wanted to feed them - nothing else had gone to plan and I felt like I wanted to do this for them.

I ended up pumping for 7 months, every two hours. It was miserable and destroyed those early months.

If you want to stop then stop - it’s okay.

If what you want is to continue to bf and you can afford it, book a lactation consultant. My good friend is one and 80% of her appointments are simple positioning and attachment issues which mean she can fix them easily and those mums can go on to bf as long as they want. The rest are more complex and her job is to support the mums to achieve what they want to achieve in the best way possible - mixed feeding, pumping, acceptance and moving on etc.

Only you know how you really feel and however you feel is okay.

And I can’t see how expressing with two children is going to be workable

It’s really not, not longterm. Worst decision I made. However if OP wants to try and get her baby feeding at the breast more often it’s a good short term option to keep up supply.