Feel like a total failure as couldn't breastfeed

[Mitzicoco]

Well I guess the subject says it all. I managed 9 days with my first ad 5 with my second. I did express for a few weeks with both of them but still feel awful about it. In the end my doctor told me I had to stop as he had never seen such injured nipples! But that doesn't help. I want too ask you people honestly if you experienced this and kept going? I still wonder if I should have kept going even though it was so awful. There is so much pressure on women to breastfeed.

I had little supply despite supplements, pumping, bfsupport I could have held off the top ups but I could literally see Ds2 shrinking and losing his colour by the hour on day we were discharged from hospital. I never had a change to to breasts they didn't increase in size, no leaking etc

We limped along part feeding until 11 wks and 8wks with Ds2

It was important to me to BF I still wish I could have but didn't work out

The only failure is when mothers don’t give their babies proper nutrition to thrive. Honestly, there is so much more to life and child-rearing than breast feeding.

I understand your situation exactly @Mitzicoco . The pressure is dreadful and you feel so guilty and like a failure if it's not working. People will tell you You shouldn't but it's really difficult not to.
Be proud of yourself for getting this far and you do what you have to do to have a thriving baby and a healthy mum. Including formula feeding.
My tip for you is to hide every single breastfeeding thread on here that you see until you can face seeing people talk about it and argue about it.

@bellinisurge wisdom! Follow her advice and hide all threads, insta accounts, even friends that breastfeed until you're feeling better :) I had to. It took a while to get over it,but it honestly is a stitch in time xx

Absolutely not. You did your best and it's really important you take care of yourself as well.

Babies are perfectly happy with formula.

Some people can be a bit sanctimonious but I really doubt many would continue breastfeeding with their nipples in shreds, I certainly wouldn't!

On a population level you see differences between breastfeeding and formula feeding but on an individual level, your babies are extremely lucky. They have a mother who can read and write, a clean water supply, electricity directly to your home and medical care whenever they need it. With those factors present formula is a more than adequate food source and the main downside is that it is a little less convenient for the mother.

You still did them good from breastfeeding by doing so for a few days. It doesn't need to be months and months to get a benefit from it. It also definitely doesn't sound as though your experience was typical. It's not usual to have very injured nipples due to breastfeeding. It can happen but it usually indicates that there is something which needs looking at and changing. It's definitely not supposed to be like that all the time, most people are not keeping going pushing through such pain.

Would it help to try to understand why it was so painful for you, or do you think that wouldn't be useful? Do you think you'll have more children in the future? If you do, what would be ideal? To be able to breastfeed them without problems, or to be able to formula feed them without guilt/disappointment?

Thank you all for your replies. It has made me feel a bit better about it actually.

I am a great advocate of breast feeding - but you are clearly NOT a failure just because you were not lucky enough to have it work out for you! Your babies will have got the colostrum and that is the main thing that they needed; and you can pat yourself on the back for having tried so hard against all the odds.

My first baby was a trial to bf - wouldn't latch on properly and chewed my tits to bits, so I had to go for bottles. She is a fine young adult now and it did her no harm.

If you go on feeling a failure and guilty then all the advantages of bottle feeding will pass you by - now that it has to be done you might as well enjoy those advantages!

Ditch the guilt and enjoy your lovely family.

Don’t ever feel a failure. You most certainly are not.

However, what your doctor said irritates me a little. Most of the time sort and bleeding nipples are caused by a poor latch (and of course sometimes the shape and size of the nipple itself. ) With regards to a poor latch, i am curious to know if your doctor or health Visitor or midwife have checked either time for tongue tie? This is so often the culprit. All three of mine had it and the difference in their ability to latch and properly feed once their tie had bene snipped was incredible.

Sorry, a bit off topic but I do despair still at how patchy and unsupportive postnatal services are in terms of helping - note not browbeating - women who want to breastfeed and need more support.

But no you are not a failure. Enjoy your baby and congratulations 💐

No, they never checked for tongue tie. The doctor, upon examining my nipples actually said,' Good God!' Now I think about it, I'm not sure that that was an entirely professional thing to say.....

Actually, am a bit cross now I think about that!

They should have checked
No it definitely wasn’t!

Dont feel guilty at all - I'm a teacher and couldn't tell you which kids were ff and which were bf! My son only began to thrive once we switched to formula at 3 weeks - he just wasnt getting what he needed from me. He is a very healthy bouncing 2 year old now!

I had no milk supply and nearly drove myself mad with obeying every single possible piece of advice from GP, midwife, BF supporter, NCT, La Leche League person etc trying to make my milk come in. I found my failure to do this desperately upsetting, especially as birth hadn't even remotely gone as planned either. My son must have been about four when I happened to run into a complete stranger on a railway platform, a midwife who was on her way back from a midwives' BF conference, and I suddenly burst into tears because I still felt so terrible about it, and the fact that no one had ever been able to figure out why I never produced milk.

Now, seven years on, I wish I had forgiven myself and stopped sooner. It's hard, OP, but do try. You know deep down that you're completely faultless, and you are the only one who can forgive yourself for something that is not your fault!

You're not a failure. Not at all. You grew and birthed your children, you are now loving, clothing, raising and feeding your baby. Your babies have a safe home, a mum who is so concerned for their well being that she's sending herself on a guilt trip that she doesn't need to over something that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of parenting.

Stop. Be kind to yourself and look at your children. Are they healthy and happy? Loved, warm, clean, thriving? Yes? Then they're all good, and way more fortunate than millions of other children in the world.

I say this as someone who desperately wanted to BF, but after an extremely traumatic birth with the first was unable to (and put myself through six months of expressing out of guilt, why?') and with the second had an ELCS and when feeding didn't really work after a week just gave it up as a bad job and packed it in. I did express for three months with the second but combi fed and was much happier.

BF is great when it works for everyone and that includes mum.

I’m a massive advocate of breastfeeding, but I’ve only had one child and I’ve gotten on ok. I can’t say if I’d have continued to breastfeed given the circumstances you describe as I just don’t know.

Only you know how you felt and the reasons for your choices. There’s so much to feel guilty about when parenting anyway. I don’t see that a baby having formula should add to that guilt. It’s such a short window of time in your babies life and not worth getting hung up on IMO.

Thank you all :)

I'm going to make a massive effort to get over it and on with bringing them up without the guilt.it's absolutely true that nobody can ever prepare you for parenthood! Which is probably a good thing as hardly anyone would have children then. (Kidding)