Getting rid of that last feed (14mo)

[MrsBosh]

I'm down to just one breastfeed (before bed) a day with my 14 month old. I'm still feeding to sleep (I know, I know! ) but it's worked well for me until now.
However, I want to get rid of this feed now as I want to be able to go out in the evenings and have others 'put him to bed'.

Loose bedtime routine is:

• Upstairs, bath, get changed into pyjamas in low light room
• I sit in my BFing chair and he toddles over (looking ecstatic to be getting breastmilk)
• Feed side 1 about 10-15 mins. He brings himself off and points at his current favourite toy
• Plays with toy for five mins
• I put him in his sleeping bag (always causes tears as he hates lying down and is always on the move) and read him his bedtime story
• Sit in chair and feed second side. I'm there for aaaagggges. He looks sleepy straight away as if he knows this is sleep time now - obviously very comforting. I feed him to sleep, then carefully pop him in cot (asleep) and tiptoe out. He tends to sleep through the night. However the whole starting the second side and me getting out of the room takes on average one hour or more! So I'm often upstairs for nearly two hours which is ridiculous . I have no evenings.

So basically I need to cut these feeds. I see it as two problems:

1. Replacing both sides of breastmilk with cows' milk when he is used to the routine of both sides
2. Not feeding to sleep (he is one of those who stands up in his cot as soon as he is awake and gets cross at being in there awake)

My DH has got some annual leave coming so will be around in the evenings and can help overnight to get to sleep. Basically, it's a good opportunity for some sleep training/weaning off mummy!

My thoughts were to first replace feed 1 with a cup of milk, then offer breast on other side as usual. Or should I try to cut down to just the cup straightaway?

Sorry it's long. I had such a tough time establishing feeding that I never thought I'd be in this position.

Can I make a different suggestion? If what you are doing works for the two of you why not continue with that but leave your DH to find his own bedtime routine with baby when you are out?

Hi Waddle, thanks for replying. Yes, I had considered this as I guess DS would self-wean eventually. Did you do similar?

I suppose I'd be anxious that DS wouldn't go to sleep without the breastmilk and my DH would end up with a screaming baby for hours, which I know would stress him out. He didn't take out DS by himself in the day until he was just over 1 year as he was worried he'd need breastmilk despite daytime feeds generally dropping months before then! Maybe part of my problem is my DH's reluctance to just 'go with it' and cope. Tbh, I think he likes the fact he can hand him back with 'he needs you now'.

Plus as well, I'm upstairs from 6.45 until around 8.30pm ish. When it's just DS and I at bedtime, I don't have much of an evening and I'd love to change that and make the bedtime > sleep routine a bit shorter!

Could you start by getting DH to do some of the parenting at the weekend to build up his confidence. Send them both swimming and then have lunch somewhere or get him to take him to the park/library/coffee shop for 2 or 3 hours on Saturday whilst you do your own thing.

As for feeding to sleep and stopping the last feed, if you really want to do it I'd go out.

Like the pp said, you could go out when you want to and leave them to it and on the other nights feed to sleep or you could go out for a few nights on the trot until he's got the idea.

Oh and is DH around to do the bath time?

Speaking from experience I'd try to stop feeding to sleep first, before stopping feeding altogether. I did it with my DD and it was much easier than I expected it to be, but she was older so understood what was going on.

Oh and we done forgetting to 14 months!

well done

What about feeding before bathtime? If you want to stop bf you could give him the milk in a cup, then bath/pjs/story and sleep.

JiltedJohnsJulie, thank you. My DH isn't around for bathtime except at the weekends. Weeknights back 9pm so DS usually just asleep. You're right about boosting his confidence though. I find it tricky to trust others with DS as I've been diagnosed with GAD since having him. But at times recently, the desire to just have a night to myself or go out with friends is overwhelming. I suppose I could just leave one night and let them have a go with a cup of milk. I may be surprised. I have a friend about three minutes' drive away so could be close by to zoom back if DH couldn't manage. I think DH may be reluctant to be left to 'cope' but I'll have a chat and see what he thinks. He's desperate for the two of us to go away for our wedding anniversary this summer, so I'll try and frame it as a step towards that.

M0reGinPlease, thanks so much . I really appreciate that. This time last year I was crying with every feed and ready to give up BFing. I just kept telling myself one more day. Then I wanted to get to six months. Then a year came and went. Did you have a similar experience? (I've often found those who have also not found it straightforward are the most likely to give you that boost of a 'well done' because they know how much it means!)

Haveacupofcoffee, that could be worth a try, good idea. May encourage the bath and onwards to be a bit calmer and slightly chnage things for him, but keeping lots of familiar bits e.g. bag, book.

No, @MrsBosh I was actually incredibly lucky and found breastfeeding relatively easy. However, I spent so much time worrying I wouldn't be able to do it I never really thought about now or when I'd stop. In the end I just went with it as long as it felt right and it worked to get her to sleep. She was 2.5 when she had her last feed and she more or less self weaned which I never could have imagined her doing. To be honest I probably could have weaned her earlier but the thought or rocking her to sleep or something else just seemed too much like hard work, I'd rather sit in a chair and feed thanks! You've done incredibly well, especially given the tough time you had. Your baby may surprise you like mine did and go with the weaning. Just be gentle and be kind yourself- you've done a cracking job so far.

Oh also, just to say although I breastfed her to sleep for every single nap and bedtime of her first two years of life, if I wasn't there and she was with DH she'd quite happily have a cup of milk and a cuddle instead! You never know...

Can I suggest that you stress to DH that he needs to do the odd bedtime and let you go out if he wants to go away?

I'd also has had you to put him to sleep every time for 14 months, it would be a big adjustment to you going away and leaving him

Not sure which but you’re asking so will answer both
I haven’t done the different bedtimes for different person thing (just always me - which worked for us) but I have several friends who did without a big problem.

Mine self weaned at 2 & half (because I was PG & milk went), cusp of 3 & my not long turned 4 seems to have stopped (it’s been about 2 weeks).
My first stopped feeding to sleep at 9 months & it was hellish - all of mine are bad sleepers so I would never willingly lose the feeding to sleep tool!

I think you could make bedtime much shorter without losing BF if you want - the stop & play with a toy part jumped out at me as it would reset my kids to awake. Also maybe you need to start later & make it shorter?
The other thing would be to keep the feed but separate it it from sleep - I did this with one of mine m moved the bf to before stories (before bath?)

If your DH is being a wet blanket about it is there someone more confident, your mum or good friend maybe who you would be happy to leave baby with? Maybe if it worked out for then your DH would step up?

(OTOH as someone with a DH who is utterly useless with babies he comes good as soon as they hit about 2!)