I hate breastfeeding and am miserable

[Cocopops2010]

I am really struggling. 11 day old baby. In one way breast feeding is going well as by day 5 ds was already back up and over birth weight. 10 day weight check also good. However I absolutely hate hate breast feeding. The first 20-30 seconds are excruciating. My nipples are a mess - bleeding and cracked and tonight I think there is pus coming out of one of them. The baby feeds constantly in the evenings and at night I have had no sleep at all tonight. I just fed him (nearly screamed out in pain at start) and he fell asleep. He refuses to settle in his cot now so I have been co-sleeping but tonight he woke up straight away and started screaming as soon as we lay down. My dh has just taken him to try to settle him but I know what he wants - food.
I am so so miserable. I thought I would like bf but I absolutely loathe it. I dread each feed. I am beginning to feel resentful towards my baby. I have read lots on the latch and looking at him he seems to have it right so I don’t know what i’m Doing wrong. Please help I just want to disappear right now.

The tough thing about breastfeeding is that when you're just recovering from the birth and you're tired and you're figuring out how to be a mum, that's when it's worst and hardest and most sore.

A few weeks later it gets so much easier. It's a cruel trick of nature that it's hardest when you feel least able to deal with it.

When I was in your shoes I started giving one bottle of 3oz every day. I told myself next week I would give 2 bottles, so gradually stopping. I felt better seeing an end in sight. As it turned out it got much better and I ended up mixing breast and bottle for 18 months.

It does get easier, but not for a while tbh. About the 3 month mark and you're a good bit away from that. And even when it gets physically easier - the rest of it stays much the same for the first year. For example there's a sleep regression at 4 months where you're just feeding all night. It just doesn't hurt anymore.

I found bfing really fucked up my bonding as I was too exhausted, too in pain, too claustrophobic, too resentful, too touched out, too much burden of care. I just wanted someone to take the baby a 100 miles away.

I did it twice and stopped at 6 months but I should never have done it. It didn't benefit me whatsoever and in fact it contributed to PND.

That's not to say I think it's a negative thing, in fact it's wonderful for lots of people. But it doesn't suit everybody and when it doesn't suit you - oh boy! It can really do a number on you.

In summation, lol - if it's fucking up your bonding, then that's God's way of telling you to STOP. Bonding is more important than breast milk.

You know you have to do what you have to do, right? Persist, express, mix feed, bottle feed, whatever gets you through.

coz I hated it too-on and off. I did 11 months and 9 months and I wished I'd have stopped earlier both times. Now, years later, I look back fondly on bf butI also wondered why on earth I did it!

Break it down, one hour after the next, nondecision you make now is permanent. Remember that.

Thank you for all your messages. I went to get some breastfeeding support and have been diagnosed with mastitis in both breasts. midwife said one of the worst she’d seen and am not allowed to breastfeed for a few days. Tbh feel a huge sense of relief. Have stocked up on formula. Thank you for all of your kind comments. I don’t think I’d have gone to get support without them. My Christmas has been rescued I think now, have a course of antibiotics. Merry Christmas everyone.

I remember in the first few weeks genuinely worried my nipples were going to drop of it does get easier. You need to see a breastfeeding specialist to check babies latch and get some advice. I think it took about 6 weeks for me to settle. Breastfeeding is very very hard at the start it took me a while to like it.
10 days postpartum you will be so sleep deprived and emotional. I feel for you OP just remember it's temporary.

Try using nipple soothing cream for breastfeeding women-one that doesn't need be washed off. With my DD I gave up breastfeeding after 3 weeks due to cracked sore nipples and lots of tears (from me!). With my DS I have been applying nipple cream from day 1 lots of times throughout the day and night and it's helped loads! On week 7 of breastfeeding now and doing well

Do you have a pump, you need to keep draining them to make mastitis better

Thanks @SnuggyBuggy yes I borrowed a pump and have just bought a double one. A midwife checked me yesterday and said my breasts were soft and no blocked ducts. I am not getting much out each time - about 30ml - but at least that's something.
I feel much better physically with the antibiotics - looking back I can't believe how ill I was getting and I was ignoring all of the symptoms.
Emotionally I feel very sad. I really wanted to breastfeed but now I am so scared to try again. He is getting what I am pumping plus formula so the baby is happy which is the main thing but I am very upset. I can't stop crying whenever I talk about what happened, I just can't believe I let myself get so unwell.
Anyway, hopefully I will begin to feel better soon. I am not sure what I am going to do about feeding. Part of me thinks I will be happier if I just accept that breastfeeding isn't going to happen.

I was same as you, absolutely excruciating pain when feeding. I managed 2 weeks and gave baby a bottle, no regrets. I think if I were you I’d give DH a bottle and formula and tell him to get on with it, you need some sleep. Good luck I really feel for you.

I'm pleased it's getting sorted out for you slowly...don't beat yourself up! I'd really recommend finding a breastfeeding group/lactation consultant as you will still be able to breastfeed if you want to and pump to keep up your supply in the meantime. But just do whatever is best for your family at the time and try not to feel guilty/regretful as you're doing an amazing job! Xxxx

Many years ago I was in your position . It came to a head when the midwife visited and found me in tears on my hands and knees. She immediately sent DH to buy formula and bottles. She told me that as long as baby was well fed it did not matter if it was breast or bottle and the main thing was that we were both happy. I did still feel terrible guilt about stopping breastfeeding but that baby is now a 6ft 2" very handsome 40 year old man so no ill effects!

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. Am in a much better place now. Went to get breastfeeding support yesterday and ds latched on and it felt ok. Still can only feed on one side as other too damaged still but hopefully will heal soon. Managed to breastfeed again today. Am going to aim for once a day for now plus formula and pump. Feel so much better - thank you everyone.