Where did I go wrong?

[homemadegin]

Hello

Sat winding five week old and wondering if anyone can offer any help as to where I went wrong with BF. I am still so upset by my experience I just thought someone might know what I did to fail.

Baby born by ElCS. Straight onto colostrum, had loads. Left to own devices, fed every hour. Day three weighed and twelve percent loss. No discharge allowed, formula given and I expressed and fed for two days. She was also in a jaundice jacket during this point which made feeding hard.

Day six weight to nine percent loss and allowed home. Milk was in and I fed continuous for the week. By this I mean maximum two hours sleep, and I became very unwell. Hallucinating with tiredness, doing nothing but feeding.

One week at home and weight loss back up to twelve percent. Threatened with hospital if I didn't give formula. Agree to combi feed.

I am now at nearly six weeks. If she takes one bf a day it's a surprise. I try before every bottle.

Reading posts about cluster feeding and feeling so low. I did that and she got unwell. Soul destroying. So what should I have done?

I did call local bf group but they refused to see me due to formula being given,

I feel like I tried to the point of being unwell but it wasn't enough. I know it's done now but I just don't understand.

Does anyone have any pointers or thoughts?

Thank you.

No pointers, but I think you tried your hardest to make breastfeeding work, but it didn't for you.
Enjoy your baby. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter how she feeds.

It's not that big of a deal, u tried and u tried hard.. don't let it continue to upset u.. enjoy ur baby

Hello @homemadegin, I had a very similar experience with both my children and felt very much like you do now. My babies are now 7 and 10 years old; they are both bright, happy, healthy, intelligent kids. You can’t tell from their peers who was formula fed or breast fed.

At the time, breastfeeding seemed like the most important thing in the world, but it just wasn’t happening. I was wracked with guilt and feelings of inadequacy - meanwhile DS (born by emcs) and I were still in hospital because he (my first) lost over 20% of his birthweight.

I had loads and loads of feeding support from the hospital and NCT. It was when the paediatrician wanted to move DS to SCBU that the penny dropped - that I was fortunate to have access to clean water and a hygienic kitchen, that i’d given bf my heart, body and soul, but actually I had a tiny boy who just needed feeding by any means, and he was ff from 7 days old.

Three years later DD was born by crash section under general anathetic. Although we managed to bf for nearly 3 weeks, she still lost a lot of weight, and the added complications of a second surgery, proper ‘flu and a 3 year old meant that bf never really took off with her either. With both babies I pumped for hours to produce only a thimblefull of milk.

I had done NCT classes, and was dreading a reunion. It was actually my NCT teacher who said to me “there are many ways to nourish a baby, how you feed them is just one of them”. Those words saved my sanity.

You are not doing anything wrong, formula feeding is what works for you and your baby. Mikk-only feeding really is for such a short time, please don’t let your negative feelings overshadow these early days with your baby.

You've done exactly the right thing. You tried your hardest, it wasn't working. You found a safe, viable alternative. The bf group wasn't exactly covering itself in glory.
Failure would have been insisting on continuing with bf when it obviously wasnt working for the pair of you.

I've no formal training, but the feeding for hours on end, but barely gaining weight (and in the case of DS1 shreaded nipples) was down to a tounge tie.

Congratulations on your new baby. Enjoy those baby snuggles. They grow up so fast.

Thank you.

Yes shredded nipple also occurred here on one side anyway. That was worse than the section!

I don't know why I am so down about it, it's really knocked my confidence and judgement. I feel I am questioning everything now because I didn't get that right so how can I get anything else right. I feel quite stressed whenever I feed her and she absolutely picks up on it. Dh feeds her like a dream and I find it very difficult. I think she takes the milk to quick from a bottle, chokes etc.

The Bf group response did upset me, that was a really low point.

Tounge tie is interesting, I don't know if she was ever checked. I can't remember much of those early days with the sleep issue but I'm sure someone said no way as she takes a bottle so well.

I am trying to not let this get me down but it seems to be at the moment anyway.

I was going to say tongue tie as well. Christ, you really, really did your best, OP Please try not to be hard on yourself, these early days are such a small part of the lovely life your wee one will have with you.

My DS lost 13% and was in the jaundice jacket too. It's horrible and so lonely, being up at all hours in hospital on your own with a wee one who you don't get to hold for long. You did so well.