I've changed my mind about breastfeeding

[m4rdybum]

I'm a FTM, due in January, and have been mulling over breastfeeding for the past few months. I've felt like I wanted to try it, have joined some support groups and been reading up on a few things.

I have since been getting a bit more stressed when thinking about it, and feel like I don't want to do it anymore.

My family have an extensive history of sever mental health problems, including schizophrenia and PND. My mum had severe PND with me and my two siblings which has never really been treated and so has spiralled into further depression, coupled with alcoholism. We are NC. I haven't had anything so severe, but had a suspected bout of depression in Uni.

We live away from my family and closer to DH's. They are lovely and very supportive (as is DH). I had originally thought MIL has breastfed extensively but it turns out it was only for 3 weeks, so the initial at home, experienced support I thought I may have doesn't necessarily exist.

Basically, I'm starting to get very worried about my (possible/percieved) increased risk of PND (my sister also had it, although not nearly as bad as my mum). On top of everything else that comes with a new born, I'm worried that the time and attention needed to dedicate to breastfeeding will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I know no one can say for sure how things will go and even formula feeding, I could develop PND, but must admit that feeding, to me, seems like the only thing controllable in a newborn's life.

I'm just feeling a bit shit. I haven't discussed with DH yet, but know he would be supportive.

Not really sure what I want this post to achieve!

I had similar concerns. I gave it a go but ultimately found it really demanding and placed too much pressure on me. I did find it impacted my mental health and quit after about 3/4 weeks. However, this was my experiencenot yours. The truth is you won’t know how you feel until the baby comes and breastfeeding is o my one of the things that may possibly contribute to pnd. My advice would be to give it a go with a view that if it becomes too tough you have no hesitation in packing it in. I ended up expressing my son some beastmilk tp supplement formula. He’s 3 months and I’m still doing it (though not sure for how much longer) so it doesn’t necessarily have to be all or nothing.

Good luck with the pregnancy. I would also say to you to expect some down days when the baby comes regardless of how you feed. I found it tough mentally for the first 4-6 weeks. I really thought I had pnd. However, it passed. It’s easy to think the worst but try not to x

As hard as it is, try not to stress yourself out worrying about it at this early stage! It sounds like you've got a lot of very legitimate concerns about maintaining good mental health, but you're catastrophising a little bit...and perhaps overthinking breastfeeding?

I have a solid history of poor mental health and also didn't actually want to breastfeed at all. When the day came I gave it a go (the midwives at the hospital were very supportive, and I had a hungry tiny person on my hands and it seemed breastfeeding was the quickest, easiest way to satiate her!) I ended up feeding her for 18 months.

I was lucky not to suffer from PND despite my increased risk, and I actually don't think breastfeeding had any effect at all on my mental health. I'm pregnant again now and have been really unwell mentally this pregnancy, but it's not occurred to me to not try feeding. I am however open to combi feeding if I end up needing more sleep and think it will give me a break - I find the biggest trigger for me is fatigue, and it's just not worth suffering!

So, I'd say give it a go - at least for those first crucial couple of weeks. If it's not for you or doesn't work out it's no problem at all, but you might actually enjoy it and take some comfort/confidence from the fact you can feed your baby yourself.

I hope it all goes really well

Oh bless you, it's such pressure isn't it. (side note; 17 weeks in and I've concluded parenting is mostly doing the opposite to what you said you would and feeling guilty about decisions you make either way (light hearted, mostly )).

I too was worried about PND as I suffer from anxiety, which at times has been severe and I take medication for. I was incredibly open about my fears of this and made my family and DH promise to tell me if they thought things were getting a bit wobbly. My family also gave history of MH difficulties (depression, anxiety and bipolar). My delivery didn't go to plan, I had mastitis twice and only breastfed for 11 days and had a bereavement by the time ds was 3 weeks old. You know what? The first month was hard and a blur, not that it wouldn't have been anyway with a newborn! But I'm good, never had depression, cried once on day 5. Conversely I know mothers who have had textbook post natal periods and have had pnd, there's no guarantees.

Re the breastfeeding; I get your struggle cause I still feel bad, but if you don't want to or can't it's ok. Formula isn't poison and my DS was more settled when I gave in. My advice would be to set realistic goals, so rather than "I will feed for x months", say "I'll give the first feed a go", then if that's ok, the next and so on.

You sound insightful and realistic so go with what's right for you and baby not what you think you should do. You got this.

Look, if you don't feel that it's the right decision for you, then you don't have to do it. It really is as simple as that. Your baby will be fine either way.

If you want to give it a try, then that's fine too. Personally, I EBF and it really worked for me. Although it was a bit challenging at first, it helped me to feel good about being a mum because I was amazed that my body could sustain a whole person. So you might try it and find that it's good for your mental health. But if you try it and decide that it's not for you, just stop. Your baby will thrive on bf or formula.

And if you decide that even thinking about it is making you anxious, then put it out of your mind and care for your baby in whatever way helps you to feel like you're able to cope. Having a newborn is tough, so don't put any extra pressure on yourself.

Wise call, OP. You've given it thought, weighed up the risks re your personal/family history and have come to an informed decision which is more than you even needed to do. For what it's worth, I'd have been well on my way to PND if I'd have carried on bf. I felt like I almost needed permission to stop and start on formula. What a blessed relief when I did.
People might have their opinions when it comes to your choice but it's your body, your boobs, your sanity, your wellbeing and your baby.

You don't have to do it if you don't want to. Your mental health is the most important thing and your baby will be fine whether theyre breastfed or bottle fed. You could just give it a go and just take it one feed at a time - or mix feed? Whatever way you end up feeding them it really isn't worth working yourself up about now. Just wait till baby is born and see how it goes

I was really, really worried about pnd as I’ve had some quite bad bouts of depression as an adult so knew I was at risk.

In reality I love being a mother and find it’s reduced my anxiety and low moods, so may that happen for you too!

For me, breastfeeding was massively beneficial emotionally as I had a tough, damaging birth and breastfeeding helped me to see my body as whole and functional and worthy of my love and respect again.

So I think don’t assume you’re going to get pnd just because you have some risk factors, and do t feel you need to make a final decision about feeding until the baby has arrived.

@BlancheM

Totally relate to giving yourself permission to quit. It was s hard. I remember breaking down in front of a lovely male midwife and saying I just want someone to give me permission to stop. He was the only midwife that told me to do what is right for me and my family. I quit that day. Wierdly, if I had a second child i think I might actually try again. Part of the issue was that I had no idea how demanding I would find breastfeeding. It was too much on top of being a new mum with no idea what I was doing.

Laur it's funny you should say that, it was a lovely male student health visitor who gave me my 'permission', up until that point I felt I absolutely couldn't give up, another health visitor was coming round daily to harass pull at me and demonstrate different positions in order to make things less agonising, I was dreading DS signalling it was time for another feed, had no idea about what cluster feeding was, had developed severe mastitis and the only way I could get through a feed was to grind my teeth and kick my feet into each other to try deflect the pain. I was a naive 18 year old though, under immense pressure.
I did go on to bf second child without problems, but decided I didn't want to with my third.

I exclusively formula fed my son and it worked really well for us. I enjoyed it and his first few days were just the loveliest time of my life.

They still feed on demand, which is tough, but my partner could help.

DS is the most beautiful and intelligent child in the world so it obviously did him no harm

If you’ve got some concerns about your Mental Health and you’re stressing this much now about feeding the baby, have you told your HV about your anxiety?

Have you got some beneficial things in place for you too? I find guided meditation and yoga help me. Is there a PG yoga class you could join?

I’d also recommend going to groups , like playgroups, while you’re on MT Leave before the baby arrives. I know a couple of people who were worried about PND and did this and it really helped them.

Try to avoid baby books that aren’t evidence based and are quite prescriptive too. Some mothers can get very stressed if the book says your baby should be doing Y at 11 am and baby wants to do the opposite. This book is evidence based and works however you decide to feed your baby

It is absolutely your decision and I think your concerns are understandable.

One thing to give you another perspective, breastfeeding releases 'feel good' hormones and some studies show overall lower rates of mental health issues in breastfeeding mothers.

I had postnatal anxiety and I'm still breastfeeding now nearly 18 months in. It was very tough at first but I don't think my struggles to feed really contributed to the mental health problems in my case - I think it was just what happened. I also found far after the first few months breastfeeding was calming for me most of the time.

The one thing that made the biggest difference was going to a breastfeeding support group. I was lucky to find a good one just round the corner from me. Getting out every week and talking through things with other mums was a massive help.

I also had a whatsapp group of friends I'd made at our antenatal classes.

As I say, it's for you to decide and it will be okay, whatever you choose.

OP you have time to decide when baby is here. No need to decide now. But you are doing the right thing in thinking about it. How about finding out about local support groups and starting to attend so that you have support when baby arrives? Local to me are feeding groups run by health visitors, bumps and babes run by Nct, a breastfeeding cafe and la leche league group. Non of them have been judgy, all have been welcoming and all are full of mums trying to find thier way and to do their best. All have mums who formula, mix and bf.
Good luck with your little one. On the hard days it helps me to remember that each day happens only once. You never have to live through a difficult time again but you can remember every little cuddle, coo and gummy smile x