Feeling guilty about switching to formula...

[Rochyella84]

Breast feeding has not been easy for me. With my first baby we battled tongue tie, poor latch, thrush, mastitis etc...it was awful and painful but it was important to me so I pushed on and was able to bf for 6months.

I had my second son 4 weeks ago and desperately hoped for a smoother journey, but sadly it has been worse. Despite snipping tongue tie early on, the latch hasn’t improved and I was so damaged that I had to stop bf and pump instead to try and recover. Since then I have been pumping as much as possible but with a toddler to look after I haven’t managed to pump enough to keep my supply and am now producing less than he needs and topping up with formula. He is now totally refusing to latch even with shields, and 1:1 help from Lactation consultants haven’t yielded results.

I have had to make the decision to slowly wean from the pump and move to formula as I can’t be tied to the pump like this as it is really impacting on our lives. I just feel desperately sad and guilty and as though I have failed my little boy. My husband and family are so supportive and say I have done everything I can but I am not managing the transition well and just feel terrible about the whole thing. I do not want to come across as judgemental of people who bottle feed at all - this is all just my own feelings and perceptions and anxieties and I know most people will not be judging me....

Has anyone else felt like this? How did you get over it?

Time will help you get over it. I tried and failed dismally at breastfeeding. My now 10 year old is bright, fit and healthy. Statistically breastfed babies may do better, but in reality individuals are just that, individuals, and do not fit with statistics. Do what you need to do for your family, and don't beat yourself up about it.

You haven't failed, you have tried amazingly hard!❤️

Establishing breastfeeding takes so much time and it's inevitable that you won't have that sort of time with a second child. I'm amazed anyone in your situation manages it.

Please please don't feel guilty about it. I really regret not doing the same as you - I forced myself to keep BFing and we ended up having a really awful first year because of that, including lots of problems bonding. If I'd just switched to formula I could have got on with enjoying my baby.

Thanks ladies.

@ridingmybike that was my worry, I don’t want to miss out on time with him. He screams if I put him down too so has been sobbing whilst I pump. I know that breast milk is good for him but surely it isn’t good for him to be left to cry whilst I fight to provide it....I just have to come to terms with it I think.

What I didn’t appreciate at the time is that BFing is just one aspect of your relationship with your baby. If it becomes so all-consuming that it’s detracting from actually enjoying the time with the baby then that’s not great.
Yes, there are benefits to it but they’re almost all societal not individual (as long as you’re in a developed country able to make up formula safely) - from my perspective the benefits weren’t actually enough to make it worthwhile continuing.

You have not failed at all!
The fact that you have tried to keep going through all of that just shows what an amazing mum you are!
You have already given him the best start in life.
But the most important thing is that you AND baby are happy. And it doesn't sound like either of you are. So if switching to formula means you can both be happy again then do it. No need to feel guilty at all ❤️

I could've written your post a few months ago. Tried ( and cried) so desperately to establish breastfeeding but DD just wouldn't latch, I consulted a lactation midwife, had loads of support but it just didn't happen. It was affecting my bond with her and causing such anxiety I got told to stop trying ( by the professionals!) To be honest I could cry about it now and still feel like a failure, however DD is the happiest, smiliest baby and I have vowed to try and be a good role model when it comes to food and feed her as healthy a diet as possible. We can only do our best moving forward. But I get it.

Forgot to say I expressed for 3 weeks but I found it pretty soul destroying and time consuming so hays off to you for do that with a toddler as well.

*hats 🙄

I really struggled as well. And in the end I pumped for a few months and gave formula and then switched exclusively to formula. I gave myself a really hard time about it and was so disappointed in myself. I wish that me now could go back to me then and say "actually, it's fine. Just feed your baby formula and don't feel guilty".
I hope you can let go of the feeling too.
BTW I used to pump at the same time as feeding my baby as I managed to get (just one!!!) feed ahead at the peak of my pumping. Sadly I produced less and less milk quite rapidly despite following advice and switched to 100% formula. And although I was disappointed it was a relief too, in many ways.

I'm sorry you've experienced this. Nobody should think they're a failure or they failed their baby for making the decision they need to use formula. It's obvious you've thought deeply and tried extraordinarily hard.

There's hundreds of reasons that mean that 80% of mums who start out wanting to BF stop before they want to. And there's a strong correlation between breastfeeding goals not being met, and poorer mental health in mothers. It is a traumatic thing. Society is letting us down in so many ways and at the end of the day, some people's anatomy (mum or baby) will still not be well matched and it takes a lot of time/resources to get that right, which can be impossible to provide for a lot of people.

You've given four weeks of breastmilk, and done the absolute best you could, you are being an excellent mum. You can try to continue pumping once a day just before your bedtime, and then he will carry on having a bit of your milk which contains all the immunity benefits and will help to lower your cancer risk too, while taking pressure off yourself as you're not having to provide all his food by expressing and upsetting him.

I was in the same situation as you, I was pumping every 3 hours to try and get my supply up but my little boy just wanted to be held all day and I couldn't do both at the same time. The turning point for me came when one afternoon I was already over an hour late to pump, he was crying and I said to him " you'll just need to cry for a bit then!" It was then that I realised my priority needed to be holding and comforting my son and not attached to a pump which wasn't wielding much result anyway. After that I stopped pressuring myself to feed him from my breast, gave him enough formula to satisfy him and when he was content I used to place him on my breast purely for comfort and bonding. We spent many hours on the sofa with him on my boob fast asleep with a nice full belly from the formula id given him.
Maybe this is something you could try as he may start to latch again if it's just for comfort. However even if he doesn't latch again bottle feeding still has it's benefits- you get to gaze into their eyes and see that lovely "oh I'm so happy im being fed" look that they get and honestly, once they start getting those wonderful little chubby arms and legs and rosy cheeks because you're doing a great job and you can visibly see them thrive the guilt melts away

I was in the same situation. It was such a relief to stop the expressing. She took very well to the formula. She slept much better and I felt so much better. I could finally relax and stop being so stressed. Everyone was happier. My only regret is that I didn't switch sooner.

Op I was in the simular situation as you, the guilt and sadness is awful, my lo has allergies and i was sure my milk was affecting her but the docs said no way was it my milk!! I gave up pumping at 5.5 months ( all her symptoms of allergies went away ) and I felt better!! I had more energy to play with her, more energy to go out, wasn't tied at home to the pump, wasn't stressed that I wouldn't get enough milk for her!! Once you stop you may feel better, I did and I look back and think why the hell did I feel like that, but you do but honestly you've done so well and don't need to feel guilty! Xx

Oh OP, you have not failed in anyway. You've done amazingly well and tried all kinds of solutions.
Would you give a friend a hard time for stopping in the situation you described?

I’m really overwhelmed by these lovely responses, thank you all so much. I took him out today and gave him a bottle while we sat out in the sun. It felt odd but it was fine, and lots of people looked and smiled and a few asked his name and age....I don’t really think anyone looked twice at the bottle. Am feeling a bit better now!

You haven't failed at all. You've done amazingly well and you've recognised that continuing as you were was not the best option for either of you.

Your baby is loved and fed and that is what matters

You've not failed at all you're feeding your baby and that's all that matters. I tried so hard with my little boy for 8 long weeks to the point where I spent everyday in tears. Eventually I switched to formula feeding and now he's a very happy little chap. I look back now and feel sad because I lost most of his newborn days being so upset by breastfeeding issues that I didn't get to enjoy them properly.

You haven't failed a thousand times over. Sometimes it works easily. Sometimes it doesn't. Your babies will be fine, honestly. xxx