DHs view on BF second baby

[StripedPyjamasandSpottyTops]

Just looking for some perspective here, I don't know if I'm being silly or not.

I aimed to exclusively breastfeed my first baby. We had a terrible traumatic birth, he never latched well, my milk took over a week to arrive (due to my birth) and after about two weeks I gave up. I had a BF last from the NHS come in every day and a private lactation expert come in too - it just wouldn't work. I expressed milk and mix fed him (mostly breastmilk until about 3 months then about 50/50) until he was 6 months old after which I gave formula only. My DH was great during this time, he had a month off when DS was born and probably fed him as much as I did and always did his fair share after than when he returned to work. DS was always difficult to feed even after the initial bit because he had awful silent reflux that had to be treated in hospital.

DS is now two and eats like a normal toddler. I am pregnant with baby number two and DH and I were out last night and got on the subject of feeding. I said I'd like to give exclusively BF a try again, but that I'm not going to stress if it doesn't work out and will be happy to give formula (instead of stupidly feeling bad about it like last time!).

DH said he really doesn't want me to EBF regardless of whether I can or not. He says that BF fine, but he want me to also express or give formula so that he can share the load with me. He also feels that his bond with DS is so strong partly due to the fact that he fed him a lot/was up with him in the night etc.

I should add that he's not the controlling type - we have a great relationship and he's genuinely concerned that he won't be able to help me, and bond as well with this baby as he did with DS.

I kind of feel like he's overstepping though, and that it's my choice how I feed. He sees it as a more shared decision, that we should discuss like any other aspect of parenting. I might not even be able to EBF anyway - or I might decide I don't want to. But I feel like it should be my choice?

Thoughts?

It is so good that he wants to be involved in this way. Maybe you could express sometimes so that he can feed by bottle while you get some well-earned rest.

By the way, my first BF experience was much as yours, but I BF the next 2 until they were one with no problems at all.

My lowest point with DC1 was when a Scottish midwife, faced with a baby failing to thrive, told me in no uncertain terms: "Ye cannae breast feed; ye have nae the boozooms for it." Well thanks.

Your body your choice. He can help by looking after the toddler whilst you establish feeding. Having to express is hardly sharing the load, more like more work for you just so he can feel included. If he wants to help he can wind and change the baby after a feed.

It’s a tough one but I kind of agree it’s a joint parental decision. Obviously if it was the other way around and he was insisting on your BF that’s different because it’s your body. But he wants to be able to feed his child, EBF has no benefit over expressed milk and bf for baby so as long as you are happy to express I think I’d let him be involved. I actually found it useful to introduce a bottle of expressed milk early as DS took it no issue where as friends who ebf for months really struggled getting their dcs to take a bottle if they wanted to leave them

I wouldn't want to express so dh could feed, but then expressing was really slow for me. I think just wait and see how it pans out at the time.

The benefit of EBF Vs BF and pumping is that the mother doesn't have to spend time pumping!

See I did express easily last time. I had an electric pump and could fill a 6oz bottle in 40
minutes. It was still a massive faff though and it really did me in doing it for six months and that was without a toddler in the mix too.

If he was just ordering me around I'd tell him to sod off. It's a good point about people who EBF struggling sometimes to then have any break at all.

Maybe I'm just being a bit stroppy because I kind of feel like baby feeding is mums choice/decision and that he should just fall in line with what I want to do. Which isn't really fair I suppose - nothing else is decided that way.

I’ve just had the exact same issue and had a thread about it during pregnancy. DS2 is a week old and attempted bf but we struggled and had poor support and moved onto formula after a few days.
DH is just as brilliant as he was with DS1, he did nappies and cuddles whilst I was trying to feed but is really happy he can feed now as well.
However he was very supportive of my decision to try bf and we agreed not to put any pressure on ourselves which has made for a much more relaxed approach in the first few days post birth.

That's interesting @AndWhat thanks. My plan was really to give BF a good go (I'm expecting delayed milk again because I'm having a CS) and if it doesn't work out then would give bottles (of both BM and formula). So basically like last one but without the guilt and stress!

If it does work, then fab. A happy medium may be to aim to establish BF well then try to introduce a bottle here and there too - makes DH happy and will mean I get a break occasionally!

I don't know if I should be happy to have a DH who wants to be so involved and hands on or annoyed that he's pushed this. Bloody hormones!

Have you considered that he might also want you to avoid any potential distress over breastfeeding problems? I struggled terribly and this took an emotional toll on my health, which I’m only just feeling better about now my daughter is 8 months. My husband has been amazingly supportive, but when I weaned off breast and onto bottle at 7 months, he was relieved for my sake, and supports my assertion that the next baby will be bottle fed from the beginning.

Yes, @thenorthernluce there could be a bit of that too. It was rough on us both last time and he hated seeing me upset and in pain.

Hopefully it won't be like this second time round, but I'm at least I'm prepared this time instead of just thinking it'd be some magical, simple, natural, blissful thing!

Oh hell yes to the blissful misguided notions of breastfeeding! Thanks but no thanks, NCT course leader

I struggled tonBF and formula fed. DH did such a lot with our DC's because of this. I have no regrets.

I see both sides, expressing milk is still giving baby what it needs from breast milk. But ultimately, it is your decision.

I EBF LG two years ago but also expressed from day one which although was a bit of pain initially it was great when it came to weaning her off... Although of course that depends on how long you intend to bf for.
It also made leaving her with people I could without worrying she would be starving.
I’m also expecting my second baby and am worried I won’t have the time to express with a toddler in tow! I’d really like to give this baby a bottle from day one too.
It sounds as though he really wants to do his fair share. I think you might need that extra help with another LO.

100% your body your choice. There are plenty of other ways he can bond with baby.

If my DH told he he wanted me to not only breast feed but also find the time to express milk for his benefit I would have assumed he was joking and then tell him to bugger off if he wasn’t.

I breast fed my first for 2.5 years (EBF) and I’m currently EBF’ing our 7 month old. My husband has an amazing relationship with both boys.

I’m sure your husband has kind intentions and that’s really nice of him but he shouldn’t be asking this off you when it’s hard enough trying to establish breast feeding and actually doing it exclusively without having to find the time to pump milk too, especially in the early weeks when the baby is feeding from you all the time.

Tell him you intend to just see how it goes but your initial plan is to EBF and that if it goes well maybe you could re-discuss the expressing when the baby is a few months old when hopefully things will have settled down a little.

Find other ways to get him involved. My dh always does bathtime and he wore both of ours in a wrap in evenings up until midnight so I could get a bit of sleep before the overnight. With our first especially he did all the nappy changing when he was home, including overnight, and would rock and settle her after a feed. When he was home on paternity leave, he would hold her while she slept between feeds. There was loads to do other than feeding and wearing her in the wrap was really lovely bonding time for them.

With our 2nd (who is ebf, 1st was ebf and then switched to ff at 10 weeks because we had so many problems), honestly I think he’s grateful I can just take care of the feeding. Your second isn’t like the first where there is time to sit around and feed them and stare at them together in the same way. What you’ll really need his help with is caring for your toddler. My older one is 5 and I truly barely saw her the first 3 weeks or so. I was sleeping or feeding (would have been even more time to throw pumping into that mix). My dh was full time devoted to her. He wouldn’t have had time to sit and do a bottle even if he’d wanted to. It ended up being so much easier that I could just take care of that and he didn’t even need to think about it.

My dh had concerns as well this time (though he trusted me to make the decision as it was my body so ultimately my choice). I had a horrible traumatic time bf my first. We just about managed to make it 10 weeks (with expressing and combi feeding towards the end). He was worried about us going through that again as it destroyed me. But my 2nd has been a breeze. He latched in right away and off we went. The first two weeks were challenging (not nearly as challenging as the 10 weeks bf my dd), but after that perfectly fine. It’s been a completely different experience. My dh is now really glad we tried and it’s been much easier for both of us than I imagined (also meant I needed less support from him and he could focus on where I did need support, like doing the school run, food shopping, cooking, cleaning. Compared to that feeding is relatively easy!).

I am a big fan of combi feeding. I mixed breast and bottle from about week 3 and was still partly breast feeding when ds was 16 months. So I would do this quite happily. But only if you're happy.
I found it really took the pressure off. Bfing was hard for a while and knowing I would get a rest for that one bottle feed a day really kept me going.

How about a kind of compromise solution: you'll aim to ebf for the first month with no expressing in order to fully establish bf. Then if all's going well with bf you'll introduce expressing?

EBF has no benefit over expressed milk - massive benefits for the mother as you don't have to spend time expressing!

I ebf. Tried expressing and didn't get on with it. I don't feel ebf affected she's bonding with the babies at all.

*dh's bonding

There are so many ways to bond with a baby that don't involve feeding. If he wants to help and bond why can't he do bath time, skin to skin, look after baby while you rest etc. Breastfeeding is the only thing that only you can do. why make more work for yourself by expressing if you don't have to.

With two children there will be plenty for him to do.

But if he insists on this plan then explain he’ll have to step up taking care of both children so you can make time to express.

I agree with queen & mind. Establishing bf is hard as you know. To have to think about bottles, expressing & formula at the same time is a pain and you shouldn't have to. Your husband can bond with the baby in many other ways, including helping you in the night when it takes more than a boob to get em back to sleep.

I bf both my kids til they were over 2 but arguably my eldest in particular is closer to my DH which is because he's been the main carer of him, mainly at home, since he was 1.5 (he's now 6).

I really hope you have a better birth and easier experience with feeding this time. I can not recommend the book 'food of love' enough for great accurate advice. I think it covers the fathers bonding stuff too.

I had hoped to combi feed with DS but he refused any attempts at being given a bottle whether it was formula or expressed. We tried everything - different cups, bottles, DH doing it, me doing it, MIL being there, me being in the room, me being out of the room, different temperatures etc. It was really stressful and in the end I had to give up and breastfeed until he was one and could go on cows' milk.

Best laid plans may go to waste when the little one arrives!

I EBF DD. We tried to introduce a bottle at about 5 weeks and she refused and never took one. You might find even if you plan combi feeding it doesn't go to plan! There are other ways DH can bond if he doesn't feed the baby, but it can tie you to having to do all the feeds.

Bit of a left field suggestion, but might he be willing to do this course on supporting breastfeeding mothers? It’s £5.99 online and might help him understand how hard pumping is and the other stuff he can do to bond? courses.abm.support/courses/ (Scroll to bottom course)