Eh, babies are nuts

[macneil]

So, after many weeks of guilt, tears, pumping, and pushing my tired old breasts at a screaming breast-refuser who never latched once, not even for a second, my 17 week old daughter decided she quite liked to latch on in the bath. I was rather emotional and happy when she did it, but I know that it's really too late for us. I moved my pumping down to 4 times a day to wean myself off it because I have to leave the country and leave behind my hospital pump. I don't think she's getting anything really out of my breasts in the bath, and I know I could never compete with a bottle. And she's never done this outside of the bath. But I feel like it's a bitter-sweet sort of closure, and I will try in the day more now, and maybe - just maybe - she'll begin to take one little demi-feed in the morning, when I have the most milk, as we both give up the breast milk. Babies are nuts, though. They have no idea what's good for them.

Yay! Success... whatever your feelings about this, it is a lovely story. My DS took 5 months to latch on. FIVE MONTHS . I have no idea why, one day, he suddenly decided it was a good idea. Babies, eh?

Well done for persevering for so long. I'm sure this makes at least some of those tears and the guilt worth it.

{hug}

Aw, thanks. FIVE MONTHS?! What was he thinking? It is amazing that you were still trying. It is, weirdly, so different to just know what breastfeeding feels like after so long looking at other women doing it and believing I would never feel that. Most of the feeling is not having that absence (although obviously it's not like I'm a breastfeeder now), and I did feel very close to her and we smiled at each other in the bath and it was just a relief, for no good reason.

That's really made me smile. I bottle fed so I've no advice to give, although I don't think you were asking anyway. Your story has awakened something in me and reminded me of why I wanted to breast feed - even though I didn't.

Well, you know, she's had a lot more formula than she has breast milk, and that's always going to be the case, and it will have done her no harm at all. I think now that the whole struggle became as much about me as about doing it for her - about bonding fears and the trauma of feeling rejected by her, and failing as a mother. I was absolutely obsessed with this for absolutely weeks - I bought DVDs, read books, and surfed the internet for hours and hours every day, I had about a million breastfeeding bookmarks on my browser. And lovely as it was that she latched, it just kind of put everything into perspective for a moment. She doesn't hate my breasts. It just didn't work out for us. Maybe I'll have a few chances of doing it before she goes onto real food, maybe I won't. Whatever, she's my daughter now, she's not really 'a baby', and we're kind of in love with each other and she laughs out loud reading the Skippyjon Jones book and in the future this will just be one period of our lives together. Maybe I had to have this happen to realise it wasn't really the most important thing in the world, and I'm still very jealous of the women to whom it comes easily, and cheer on the women to whom it doesn't come easily who manage to make the breakthrough and, oh well, I just feel a bit soppy and bonkers-zen about everything now. I shall maybe be embarrassed in the morning.

Lol mcneil - nothing to be embarrassed about. Your post made me think of something that happened with DS a couple of days ago. He's 5 now and had a nightmare so crawled in bed with me. I was comforting him and watching him relax and unwind in my bed and it struck me how it was such a unique situation. I only have one child and he uses my body as a comforter, and it's wonderful!!! I wanted to breastfeed when I was pregnant but I wasn't successful and I have never felt guilty about bottle feeding him.

Your post just made me think about how our bodies are so useful. It's just so lovely that your DD latched on in the bath and I suppose I assume that it was for comfort and it made me think about how natural it all is and it made me feel all maternal again. Sorry, I feel like an idiot now and all embarrassed.

Ahh, but that's so lovely. Especially because he's 5, so he does it consciously and unconsciously at the same time.

macneil.....lovely! Your story reminds us that breastfeeding is not just 'about' the milk. It's 'about' a literal physical connection and an expression of love and closeness. It's fab you and your baby have experienced that, in the bath or outside, it doesn't matter

Message withdrawn

Aawww.. you guys! make me go all soft and gooey! What are you both feeling embarrassed about? You are mothers, its natural to be sentimental about these things

My ds also waited until he was four months old to latch on properly.

I know exactly where you are coming from macneil about the whole thing seeming like the most important thing in the world when it is happening and then one day you realise that it is not the be all and end all.

I remember reading one of your posts when you were in the thick of things and am so pleased to hear that you are so much happier about things now!

I was a total nutjob, Sterny. However, don't expect this to be the last of me being a total nutjob on MN, I'm sure there are plenty of things ahead for me to get obsessive about. We haven't even started teething yet.

Hi Macneil - we've spoken before with me in a different guise. I'm so pleased you've finally got some good experiences to treasure. It was very similar for me and DS - we didn't really get the true breastfeeding experience until it was pretty much too late, but I treasure the memories none the less.

That's lovely macneil

Thank you for that Macnell