Breastfeeding failure and UTTER Guilt :(

[user1493581567]

Hi there,

My little man arrived into the world 9 weeks ago 12 days late after an intense induction. From the onset I was EBF. there was nothing stopping me. I went to lactation course and attended a bf support group and spent the end of my mat leave browsing nursing dresses.I could not have been more excited and in love with the idea.

The HARSH and heartbreaking reality was that my breastfeeding journey ended before it started and I'm gutted. We had 19 hours in induction and then I got an Epi and he arrived in delivery after 7 hours. We did S2S and he never latched, the midwife said '' he's just not interested in the breast''!! Words now I fully understand leave negative connections with a FTM.

My panic started. We got to the ward and every midwife tried to force him on and he was screaming, I was crying and he broke out in a little rash on his face as the room was so hot and I was sweaty. I had so many midwifes try and my confidence started to shatter. This was not happening!! I managed to hand express colostrum into a cup with the help of a midwife and watched her feed him via a syringe. Again, I sobbed as I was heartbroken...Why was he not taking to me?? We kept trying but it wasnt happening so we hand expressed and then the hospital LC came in and we got a pump and started pumping. every 4 hours. I was 38F before the milk arrived and we got kicked out of the hospital so quickly and I never got the chance to pump before getting him so I huge engorgement...We pumped every 4 hours and started trying shields on day 5. I expressed but what happened was we had no idea how much milk to give him and I got so overwhelmed. when we tried the shields he kept hitting them off with his little hands and sucked my nipples into lipstick shapes. I just did not know what was happening and I think I had huge oversupply from the pumping. I felt I was unable to manage when hubby returned to work and reluctantley moved to formula after 15 days.

My heart has ached since. I always wanted to bf and even though I can see he's thriving I feel so bitterly disapointed that we never had the BF journey I wanted. I know at the time I made this decision in a sleep deprived, overwhelmed state and the fact I was told to feed on demand did not correlate to expressing and bottles and we ended up giving 19 bottles in 24 hours at the start which was why I felt Id never cope with expressing and sterilising.

I just dont know how I will feel better over this? my heart is literally broken and I feel so guilty that I'm FF when I had such a supply and I also feel so incredibly sad we did not get to have the bf experience I so badly wanted for us. It's really put a downer on my experience as a FTM and knocked my confidence so much. I'm getting better every day but was hoping someone could pass some words of encouragment or advice my way to try get over the feelings of guilt and failure I have.

OP for you. When I struggled, my lovely DSis said: all over the world babies thrive on formula and yours can too. It's why formula exists. If your babies find the bottle easier, that's fine. There are loads of other ways to bond.
She was right. There are. Try not to let it matter too much or to feel guilt. Maybe choose a bonding thing you do with your baby instead - bathing together or snuggling up together for an afternoon nap.

Over a decade later, my DC are healthy, happy, very affectionate and very intelligent. They have not lost out in any way from being fed mainly on formula. And nor will your lovely boy. Give yourself a break. You are doing your best in all sorts of ways, with all sorts of aspects of motherhood. And that is good enough. It's so clear you love him. Nothing matters as much as that.

I had to see a counsellor for the mess this made of my head. She said "you were a tiger mother - you did what you had to do". There's some drama related to my circs around this which I won't set out here because you have your own dramatic stuff. That phrase comforted me a lot.

This struck a cord with me, I had a very similar experience and my boy had a 100% tongue tie and cows milk protein allergy. I went dairy free and expressed my 'dairy' milk away. After two weeks of this I was exhausted (3 yr old at home too), I got unwell and my production slowed hugely. I had to take a lot of painkillers to avoid hospital admission and be away from both my boys. It all got too much and even my health visitor couldn't believe she was saying it, but she advised for my own health and mental state to stop like you I was in a terrible emotional state, my son is six weeks old and I still haven't stopped beating myself up about it. When I made the decision to stop my husband poured all the 'dairy and painkiller' milk away that I had just put in the fridge and I sobbed. I'm not sure I have any advice for you but your not alone and the guilt is so hard to deal with. I really hope you can find a way to feel at ease, I guess we all just try to do our best but sometimes things don't work out as we imagined or hoped. X

I think that 'guilt' is entirely destructive and very few people have anything to be guilty about at all in life. Most of us are good people, just trying our best to deal with what life throws at us.

I do understand OP I beat myself up about the breastfeeding with DD1. A Health visitor said to me 'you don't know it was the wrong decision, maybe it was the right one..?'. I had an identical experience with dd2 and it just went on longer and she ended up being admitted to hospital. So you see I think as a new mum I actually knew what the best thing was for my baby and prioritised that over my feelings about it. Maybe you just did the same?

While guilt is destructive I think it is OK to feel upset/ grieve about it not working out how you wanted. People can be dismissive of the mum's feelings I think and that unfortunately can add to the 'guilt'.

Congratulations on your new baby OP

Why did you want to bf so badly?

I can totally relate to you - breastfeeding has been by far the hardest part of becoming a mum for me, something I totally didn't expect! I had so many issues with crazy engorgement/awful nipple pain/tongue tie etc. and, (with a lot of support) have managed to continue, with my little boy now 14 weeks. But you know what? - sometimes I look back and regret it, because the time I spent crying and agonising over feeling like I HAD to breastfeed I could have spent enjoying my little one. If I have another baby and experience the same heartache over breastfeeding I wouldn't have any qualms about switching to formula to preserve my sanity!

Trust me your son wouldn't be any more wonderful or happy if he was breastfed he obviously has an utterly amazing mummy who wants the be the very best for him, so he's a lucky duck! I will always remember some lovely words I got when I had a dark time from my (very pro-breastfeeding) midwife - she said that the way in which you feed your baby is such a very small and insignificant part of being a good mum, and in a few years you won't even give it a passing thought!

Congrats on your baby.
I chose to exclusively formula feed, so I can't and won't pretend I understand how you feel at all, because I don't.
However I just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel so bad about it. The most important thing is your baby is doing well and is healthy.
I know saying don't feel bad is much easier said than done, but it really is true.
Fed is best, whichever way that may be.
(My lo was unwell when he was born. I got to give him his first bottle of formula, but after that he had to go in an incubator and was tube fed for the first 2 days. After that he still struggled to take the bottle, so was tube fed a couple of more days. I remember feeling so helpless that even when he was out the incubator i still couldn't feed him the way I wanted. That stuck with me for a lo time. But deep down I knew at least he was getting his milk, which was most important, and though at first it wasn't how I wanted, at least he was still taking it)

OP - congratulations on your baby!

I remember reading a similar thread 4.5 months ago when I gave birth to my DD and was not able to breastfeed. One of the posters back then wrote something that really resonated with me. She said that when she thinks about her DC first year, she just wishes she had spent more time looking into the big beautiful eyes of her FF baby instead of worrying and crying about not being able to breastfeed. Now every time I give a bottle to my DD, I remember to look into her big beautiful blue eyes. I also tell her I love her and I will always be there for her. I actually think words of love matter more for the baby cognitive development than a feeding method.

Just enjoy your time with your beautiful baby!

Hi, I can completely sympathise with your feeling of sadness. I also wanted to bf- I did the classes, read the books and thought I had it sussed! I managed 9 days before extreme tiredness broke me. For my mental health I switched to combined feeding then totally FF. I was devastated at first, I thought I had let my son down, wasn't a proper mum and felt a complete failure.
HOWEVER my son is thriving on FF - no more hour long feeding sessions where he is still starving and crying afterwards, he sleeps beautifully and is alert when awake, I'm so much happier - my hormones have settled and I'm managing the lack of sleep. Most importantly I'm enjoying my newborn, I won't lie when I was bf there were occasions I truly thought becoming a parent was a mistake! I felt horrendous fir even thinking but but that's hormones plus sleep deprivation for you!
I guess what I'm trying to say is nothing ever goes to plan completely, let yourself off the hook, stop feeling guilty and enjoy your baby. Your child just wants to be fed, cuddled and loved by you and I'm sure you do all of the above superbly!

Are we twins?

I too really wanted to breastfeed, and I also didn't go into it blindly. I did plenty of research. But after a long, failed induction and emergency c-section, my son wasn't interested. So many midwives tried to get him to latch on, and he arched his back and screamed. I've never felt so rejected. I am totally fine with how the birth went, even though it was not at all to plan. But the bf gets me in my throat every time.

I had plenty of milk so pumped exclusively for about 6 weeks. He was happy with this, but I was finding it increasingly difficult to function and getting very stressed about keeping up with him. He'd want feeding every 2 hours, but it was taking me up to an hour just to pump (longer if he needed picking up etc) and then you still have to get the milk into them, change them, perhaps catch 40 winks yourself. I couldn't even imagine going anywhere. So we switched to formula, and while it made me very sad, I was able at last to actually enjoy my baby. My son is 16 months now and a happy little boy. I am pregnant with number 2 and far more worried about bf than about birth.

Just know that your baby will be okay. I know it's hard, and it feels so unfair, but we did our best and that's all anyone can ever do. Big internet hugs!