This is not a bf vs ff debate. I support all mums regardless of how you feed. I'm posting this because I feel like I'm alone in my feelings and I'm looking for others to come along and tell me it's not just me. (Or confirm I'm a weirdo!)
Background info:
I had primary lactation failure with dd1. Really tried to bf but, due to my milk never coming in I moved to formula. I felt like a failure because I wanted to bf on GP advice. I had zero bf support. Dd then developed colic and cried all of the time. It was hideous and she was diagnosed with having a lactose sensitivity. It took me 4 years to muster up the courage to try for another baby as I was traumatised by the colic. When we did ttc I suffered a mc at 13 weeks which devestated me. When I fell pg with dd2 I had a difficult pg due to pg causing me to have high bp and having to take medication due to a genetic clotting issue. Because of all of this, I knew she would be my last baby and I was determined to bf - I think partly because I wanted to prove to myself I could do it and partly because I was terrified of history repeating itself with the colic; the only thing I could do differently with dd2 was feed differently. I am a self confessed control freak and making a different feeding choice gave me a sense of control. It was tough in the first few weeks but dd2 is almost 11 weeks and we are established. My supply isnt abundant, I never get engorged, never have to use breast pads, often feel 'empty' after dd2 has fed a lot causing her to become frustrated and scream at my boobs. But, her weight gsin has been brillant; she is a big baby who feeds at least every 2 hours in the day and 2-3 at night. My milk is clearly fine because weight gain is so good. I've got my period recently which really affected my supply and gave me a bit of a wobble, but with expressed milk and a very small amount of formula (2oz per day after bf before sleeptime), we got through it and I'm continuing to bf. But, here is the thing; I don't really like breastfeeding at all. I'm not going to stop because it seems daft to change what is clearly going so well, I'm just shocked at myself. I thought that, once everything was established I'd feel like all the mums I read about who love it and do not want to stop. There is a thread on here in which a mother describes her huge sadness at stopping after 5 years and all I can think is that I'm sat here counting the days until 6 months. I don't understand why I dislike it and don't have those 'feel good' feelings that other women describe. It isnt just that id like a break from dd2 either (although i completely admit od love to hand her over to dh for a few hours). I think it's partly because, in the evenings, my flow slows right down and she gets frustrated I find that really difficult. Or when she squirms as she feeds or scratches my boobs; I feel almost like I'm being assaulted (I know that is madness, I just hate it when she does that) Dd2 is such a wonderful baby and I'm absolutely loving having her, it is so different from dd1 where I spent most of the first 6 months in tears. I'm content and so is she. It's just the feeding that I dislike. In the early weeks I felt so proud for persevering because it was hard, now it's easy yet I feel fed up and bound by it. Why do i feel like this? Am I just more selfish than other mums? As much as I know it makes me a bit of a martyr, I am going to continue bf because she is thriving and I won't be having any more so it's only for a short time. I just need to know if I'm the only one who feels this way. The mums I know in rl either love it or ff. Again, I do not want a bun fight. This post is, unashamedly, all about me and not a judgement of others.