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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

My H is an f-ing idiot

64 replies

lunavix · 17/02/2007 20:05

I don't know if anyone remembers but I've had a lot of problems with DH regarding bfing - he doesn't want me to do it. We mixed fed ds until he gave up bfing at around 6-8 weeks (I wanted to continue but dh, HV and MIL said 'it's for the best' no comment) and this time I've been determined to bf.

She had one bottle a night until around 2 months when I was sick of it and told dh he could no longer give her a bottle, I was constantly paranoid about my supply and I wanted her to be exclusively bf. No reason for her to have bottles. He said she'd never sleep through - not that she was anyways - and her sleeping pattern remainded the same, if not slightly improved.

He's been adamant over the last few months we should be giving her bottles, but I've kept him nearly on side with bribing him and saying it would only be until 6 months (which was the minimum I wanted to do it.) He was adamant at 5 months we should be weaning her off bf, with bottles (uhh not waiting until 6 months then duh) and since 3 months him and MIL have been on at me to wean her. Apparently she's starving, every time she cries it's because I'm starving her.

Over the last 30-odd hours she's been vomiting her feeds. Had a small temp yesterday, fine today just sicky. Apparently it's because 'she wants more food than milk so is having too much milk and throwing it up'

I've nearly had enough of him, really. I've told him about blw and he thinks it's hippy bollocks. And MIL was entrusted with dd for the first time for 5 hours the other day - and fed her RUSK. As she wouldn't take a bottle. RUSK. Of all the shit. Didn't phone, didn't even ask if she could have some nice pureed sodding veg. RUSK.

OP posts:
colditz · 17/02/2007 20:33

To be honest, his behavior sounds borderline abusive.

Does he realise that you don't actually have to do anything he wants you to?

ohsmellyjelly · 17/02/2007 20:34

Message withdrawn

Original poster
lunavix · 17/02/2007 20:35

Chandra - I do feel a tiny bit sorry for MIL, as DH pulls this on her too! (although not entirely sure why as he most likely got it off her)

She was talking to a colleague about working when DH and BIL were young, as she used to do friday nights, and shifts during the weekend. DH openly berated her, saying that working that part-time didn't count as working. I couldn't believe it. I don't know where he got it from though, as after I had ds I had six months maternity leave and I don't remember him saying much then...

fishie - I'm sorry, I don't understand about the bio yoghurt?

OP posts:
Original poster
lunavix · 17/02/2007 20:36

oh no, before anyone says I DO know that I don't have to do anything he says. And I do do things without asking lol! The thing is, he has slowly become like this, and I'm not entirely sure where it started. It's kind of snuck up?

He's demanded I do things, or don't do things before, and when I've casually chatted with MIL and mentioned it she's been livid. He's not always been like it.

OP posts:
colditz · 17/02/2007 20:38

I know YOU know... but HE doesn't seem to!

Original poster
lunavix · 17/02/2007 20:38

smelly - he doesn't say DISOBEY. He say's I'm not LISTENING. I need to SHOW HIM RESPECT and LISTEN.

I say I AM LISTENING but I DON'T AGREE.

Then he says WELL YOU CAN'T BE LISTENING THEN!

I have to admit, I do laugh. It then makes him rather angry.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 17/02/2007 20:38

luna, his behaviour does sound a bit on the abusive side, you know...

ShowOfHands · 17/02/2007 20:39

It sounds very much like you're describing a relationship with a strict father not a partner. Demanding respect? Not allowing you to make decisions? And huffing and puffing about pouring milk? So, he can tell you what to do, what to like, how to live, how to ignore your own maternal instincts etc but you can't ask for a simple favour? And you being reduced to tears for daring to 'disobey'?

I suspect that for any of this to change then you can't just give him some info on bf and hope that he agrees. Maybe a small battle won, but the bigger picture will not change. I don't know how you would begin to change such controlling behaviour- you would need to know why he's so controlling in the first place- but you either need to make enormous changes or expect this to continue.

What you don't want is him controlling your children to this extent too. If it's suffocating and frustrating for you, it will be so much worse for them.

ohsmellyjelly · 17/02/2007 20:39

Message withdrawn

AitchTwoOh · 17/02/2007 20:41

what would happen if you suggested couples counselling because you aren't happy with the way you communicate with each other? (i'm so not saying 'leave him, he's a bastard', by the way).

ohsmellyjelly · 17/02/2007 20:41

Message withdrawn

ShowOfHands · 17/02/2007 20:42

Can you pinpoint when it started? Was he like it before children? What was his father like? Maybe he thinks this is what a father does?

Sorry if I'm wildly off.

fishie · 17/02/2007 20:42

oh, well left behind now breastmilk is live!

Original poster
lunavix · 17/02/2007 20:43

Do you think?

Hmm.

I noticed something today, like I said we had friends over (rather rare, as we live away from my home town and haven't made any close friends here) and I was watching us through their eyes, iyswim. Every time ds (nearly three) did something naughty, dh would threaten with a smack. Now, I don't smack and don't agree with it, and I tell dh I don't agree with it, and dh has only done it rarely.

But it was 'ds don't THROW THAT, if you throw it again, you'll have a smacked bum'
'ds hit again and you get a smack'
'don't knock that drink over or you'll get a smack'

Would you say that was controlling? Or just the wrong use of punishment? We have discussed it eg, asking nicely, warning, naughty step etc, and like I said I don't smack so it doesn't get to that for me, I do bed before I'd get that far, but I did wonder at the time what the friends thought of it.

OP posts:
morocco · 17/02/2007 20:45

how's your dd doing today? I guess your dh already knows that bf is better for upset tummies cos it sounds like you've thoroughly educated him already. bf is one of the few things only the mum can do and tbh your dh sounds very controlling so my guess is that is why he doesn't want you to keep on doing it.
my dh was not very supportive of bf. I just ignored him and did my own thing and he's quite browbeaten by now but he was never controlling on other issues.
I don't know how you can put up with it. are you happy with him in general? if it was my dh and he was like that over lots of different issues, tbh I think I'd be suggesting marriage guidance. sorry

and I'd just tell mil to butt out

Original poster
lunavix · 17/02/2007 20:47

Aitch - we went to relate once (after ds, I was weary of fighting and broke up with him. He sobbed for days)

I don't know how right this was, but after the one session they agreed with me lol. He refused to go back.

SOH - No, that's the thing. His father seems a bit of a pain to MIL sometimes, can be rather stroppy, but he doesn't seem demanding (she does what she wants, and spends what she wants.) And like I said, although we've always fought a bit, I don't remember him being this unreasonable

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 17/02/2007 20:48

It sounds like a mix of the two things. He rushes straight for the 'no smack' without any warnings, discussion or leeway. Because children will test the boundaries and try things again 'just to see', what DH is doing is jumping straight in- like saying 'no' to you with no discussion, no well lets go and have a look at guinea pigs before I just refuse to let you. That way he is in control, there is no toleration of deviation from his rule. Because if he gives a couple of warnings first, isn't that allowing him to repeat the behaviour, giving the child too much control.

How do they interact otherwise? Is he letting his instincts/sense of fun/joy at being a Dad be overruled by a need to control each situation?

ohsmellyjelly · 17/02/2007 20:49

Message withdrawn

Original poster
lunavix · 17/02/2007 20:50

Maybe I should stop involving him in decisions, perhaps then he won't expect it!

In general we are happy yes.

On a better note, dd is okay, it's just after feeds she's puking. I think it's coinciding with a growth spurt as she's feeding more, so the hunger probably isn't helping.

OP posts:
Original poster
lunavix · 17/02/2007 20:51

No he's great with the kids, he baths them, and plays a fair bit. Puts ds to bed a lot of the time, and reads stories. He's great with them, bar health and discipline!

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/02/2007 20:51

Id say that he struggles with normal negotiation, talking, etc, and he tries to get past this weakness in this area by using force - or threat of force.

He seems to be lacking in certain social skills - very indicative of what you have said so far.

With regard to the "you are not listening" crap.

The best you can ever do is say "Ive listened to you, I've taken on board your valid points. However, I have come to x decision because of y and z and would like to try that first." Then just go on to ignore him

Original poster
lunavix · 17/02/2007 20:53

smelly - they basically listened to both of us, and witnessed a minor argument as we disagreed (can't remember what over) and then said that dh had some anger and communication issues and did he want to come alone as well as together? They might have gone on about me later on too (I'm stubborn, I can be rude, and I do occassionally provoke a fight) but we obviosuly never returned.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 17/02/2007 20:53

You say you split up before, was he like this then or was it for other reasons? If he sobbed for days it sounds like he is very frightened of losing you. Could that have made him worse?

Original poster
lunavix · 17/02/2007 20:54

vendi - I do, I think I may try just not consulting him too. I think I may spoil him by asking his opinion lol. I just always viewed parenting as teamwork lol.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 17/02/2007 20:54

I like VVVQV's approach.