thread2703

[blixen]

My husband is becoming resentful of the fact my breasts seem to "belong" to my baby and not him.
We have 3 kids and the new baby is 10 weeks old.He feeds constantly which is fine with me if a little tiring.
Sorry to be so graphic but he can't understand why he can't have a good grope once baby is finished. Frankly it is the last thing I want.

He is becoming moody and grumpy nd I know my closeness to the baby is the problem.
It was the same with my 2 daughters and I am honestly sick of his insensitivity.I have tried to explain to him how I feel, he says he understands but his body language and general huffiness indicates otherwise.
Have any of you guys had a simialr problem? I am new here and hope this is not an inappropriate query.

I think the only problem my dh had, which was never huge, was he would have liked to have fed ds now and again (couldnt express more than a couple of drops). With No2 I will be working the odd evening so will, hopefully this time round, express some milk for those evenings. He fully understood about not being able to touch in the same way for quite a while.

I dunno what is it with men and boobs.

Blixen, my DH has said that he too has felt a bit jealous of the baby being 'allowed'to feed whenever she wants but that he isn't allowed near my breasts. The difference is that he does, I think, understand why this is the case and doesn't get moody about it. He has even encouraged me to breastfeed for a bit longer.

We are really trying to keep communication open between us and I think this is the key. Therefore any other problems and resentments can be aired as soon as possible. This is the plan anyway, it doesn't always work of course. But, at least we are trying to cut down the misunderstandings etc that can crop up in these difficult times. I wonder if your DH is fed up with not just baby No. 3 taking up your breasts but all three kids taking up presumably lots of your time and attention. Wanting to get at your boobs is perhaps his way of of saying hey what about me?

Of course, how you give him enough attention with two kids and a 10 week old baby I've no idea! But perhaps just talking about the fact that just at the moment time for each other is difficult may help. God I hope I'm not sounding too patronising, I'm v tired. Hope this helps.

Hi blixen, sorry to hear you are having a hard time of it at the moment...doesn't sound like your dh is very supportive. Does this extend beyond the bf/intimacy as well? I mean, does he refuse/resist being involved in caring for the baby eg bathtime, nappy changes, soothing etc.

Maybe he feels left out, or hasn't had a chance to bond with the baby. Maybe you could try involving him more, even leaving the baby with him for short periods if he will agree to it (I know it is hard when they are feeding constantly as you feel you are indispensable!) He is definitely jealous and resentful as you say of the amt of time you spend with the baby, and of course at 10 wks this can't be helped most of the time. I'm sure part of the problem is your tiredness, and if you feel like I did, breastfeeding satifies your need for intimacy and so you don't feel like "sharing" your body with someone else once you have it back for a short while! I'm sure you have tried to explain this to your dh, but he obviously doesn't really understand..which is fair enough when you think about it - he can't really relate to any of it, can he?

Looking at it from his pov (which is not to excuse his behaviour, just to try to find the reasons behind it) he is probably basically just sexually frustrated (which most men cannot handle well at all!), feeling isolated by your closeness to bub as well as your giving to the baby the attention he feels he needs/wants, and feeling you and the baby don't need him since you have each other. Is it specifically about your breasts or is it any intimacy/sexual attention he seems to be after? Maybe your breasts are just his focus on the whole issue since they are the focus of your time with the baby? Some men can't get past seeing breasts as sexual "objects". Is he affectionate to you thru the day/evening? Do you feel he is "punishing" you by refusing to do his share, or by sulking rather than talking about it?

Maybe you could explain that you understand he feels frustrated and you are glad he still finds you attractive and desirable, but you don't always feel that way; suggest ways he could help you to feel more "in the mood" thru the day (ie helping out, giving you a hug or kiss etc) rather than just trying to leap on you at the first opportunity! (Hope this isn't offensive and sorry if I have the wrong end of the stick here!) He might be amazed at the difference it makes for both of you. Sorry to have gone on, but HTH!

Blixen, not at all an inappropriate question - that's one of the uses of mumsnet. We had a similar problem, though not quite as badly as you. Two things helped: first was the perspective that my boobs did not belong to the baby, but that we were just 'lending' them to him until he didn't need them any more; secondly, explaining to dh that it wasn't that he didn't turn me on any more, but that making milk caused my breasts to ache, and that on the contrary, his touch was just too stimulating - which made them ache even more, which was the turn-off.

To be honest, until I stopped feeding and was almost completely dry, my boobs just weren't an erogenous zone any more. I found that if dh didn't touch my boobs just before or after feeding, then if he held them at other times it was far more pleasant for me - and therefore for both of us. Also, not 'starting' with them, if you see what I mean, but only getting to my breasts after other touches elsewhere on my body.

I've been told by several men (of different generations) that they found it difficult to relate to their babies until they were a good few months old and a lot more responsive, and that also meant that they found it difficult to accept the mother's overwhelming involvement at that time.

This must be a really tough time for all of you. Hang on in there - Mumsnet is good for moans and advice and triumphs too, so keep in touch.