Hi MacNeil. Hope things aren't going too badly today. I do know how you feel, because it took our daughter until she was 7 and a half weeks old before she learned to breastfeed. Until then I expressed and exclusively bottlefed and it is damned hard work. You spend the time bottlefeeding, then the time settling, then the time expressing - and then it is back to square one. I felt devastated that we couldn't do such a natural thing - I had expected to feel sore and need help to sort it out, but not that it wouldn't work at all!
I was given some excellent advice in Oxford - our problems stemmed from the fact that DD had a tough birth and neither of us were 'with it' enough to get started for pretty much 24 hours after she was born. By this time the midwives were a bit overenthusiastic with their help and DD just got scared of it - she became a classic reast refuser. Even spending 2 whole days a week camped out with the expert midwives I found in the end, it still took weeks to calm her and teach her that it was a good thing. And then within weeks she wouldn't touch a bottle!
None of that is actually answering your question, but I felt as if I was the only person in the world this had ever happened too - and none of my local midwives or my NCT breastfeeding councellor had ever heard of anyone trying so long and succeeding, so until I finally found the experts I did, I felt so alone.
Friends and family did care and so they did ask. I just made it all about DD and said that she was struggling but we were getting good help. Eventually I was able to say that we were making progress. But there is no need to go into more details unless you choose to. And usually, I didn't choose to. No-one was rude enough to press me - and those kinds of friends I didn't need. Most acquaintaces are only asking to be polite anyway - they don't really want the details!
I was determined to persevere and DD did eventually click - no specific reason as far as I could see. I think that she did eventually just get big enough for it to be feasible. But I set myself tiny targets - first, I said I would make it for a month. As I reached that month and was trying to convince myself that formula couldn't be such a bad option, she suddenly stopped screaming when I put her within a mile of my breast. Still no actual feeding, but progress all the same - that was enough to keep me going for another 2 weeks. At six weeks I was trying to work up the courage to accept it and give in, and she suddenly took her first feed - only one side at one feed, and that was it for nearly a whole week, but progress again. So I said 2 more weeks. I just about came to terms with giving up when at 7 and a half weeks she woke up one morning, I tried her, and she took it. It did take a bit of fiddling each feed after that, but I never had to do another expressed feed again.
So it can work. But it might not, and you can't uess when it will if it does. So keep trying as long as you feel you can and then do feel ok about giving up trying - it is OK. We had a golden rule, which was to try every feed, but if (when!) DD became upset, stop trying straight away - no need to add more distress to an already bad situation. Just have another go next feed. Eventually it became routine to her, and by the time she physically could, she would IYSWIM.
Please try to go easy on yourself and remember the one advantage of bottlefeeding - you may still have to express while you're away, but if you can build up a small stash of milk, baby and bottle can happily stay with her grandparents/other trusted carer whilst you have a little it of relax time for yourself - and you do deserve that!
Hope that helps. I don't get on here very often, but I'll check back in over the weekend if you want to chat.
Jen