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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

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29 replies

dasherdancerandvixen · 19/12/2006 07:52

....dh admitted he is jealous of ds who is a couple of months old. He gets upset when Im breastfeeding - which we do a lot, as ds is a hungry baby, and tells me ds will get a mother complex and is obsessed with boobies. I pointed out there was nothing sexual in it and ds is too little to have a mother complex. He then got cruel and said when ds was grown up he wouldnt want to know me at all, and would never talk to me and wouldnt like me.

Im so upset. Dh is clearly talking rubbish, but with him like this and a jealous older child...

Dh makes me to to a toilet if there is no feeding room available when we are out, and gets very upset if i feed ds in front of anybody.

Ive had it with his behvaiour...any ideas of how to persuade him that Im doing the best thing for our son and me breastfeeding him is just a mummy baby thing..

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colditz · 19/12/2006 07:53

Ring your hv and ask her to have a word with him. He's being a complete twat.

Quootiepie · 19/12/2006 07:56

oh no {{hugs}} maybe find a few good pro breastfeeding websites - the researchy ones rather than... the "earthy" (??) ones and sit him down infront of them. How awful for you. To be hoest, I think he see's your breasts as his, and one doesnt want to really share with your DS, and two, he doesn't want people to see them in public. I cant offer much more advice than that, and put your foot down. Don't BF in the loo, its horrid and unhygenic. Say you will, if DH eats his dinner in there. {{hugs}}

Quootiepie · 19/12/2006 07:56

honest, not hoest

HowTheFillyjonkStoleChristmas · 19/12/2006 07:59

agree with colditz

don't think he needs convincing of benefits tbh, if the root of the problem is jealousy. especially that he makes you go to a toilet alone when bf.

can you just refuse to engage? refuse to go and feel your baby in a toilet ffs

ffs you need support not this crap

am very on your behalf here

Original poster
dasherdancerandvixen · 19/12/2006 08:01

I dont live in the uk, though i am british, so no HV...

He is being a twat...unfortunately he is my twonk so i have to sort this out...

Quootie pie, lovely to see you babe! Ill pop over to your thread in a little while.

Ill see if i cant find some sites to show him...i suspect it is a jealous thing too....

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Original poster
dasherdancerandvixen · 19/12/2006 08:04

Thanks for the . Im very annoyed too. I tried to refuse and he just started a huge argeument and sat somewhere else....I dont want to argue.Last time i gave ebm in a cup. but was so upset at doing it, and boobs got leasky and engorged.

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Quootiepie · 19/12/2006 08:08

Dasher - please please please tell him "look, I will feed my baby how, when and where I like". You really shouldn't feel bad for giving your baby nourishment hun x It took me 4 months to pluck up courage to even BF in public, so take advantage of your braveness. If he wants to sit away from you, let him hun. Sorry, but in my eyes baby always comes first xxx Might give him a kick up the botty and he might grow up xxx

Original poster
dasherdancerandvixen · 19/12/2006 08:17

Unfortunately these are the sort of arguements which would end in major problems...Im not joking..he gets very very upset...I worry it is a breastfeed in public or divorce inducing rall....

Im trying to make the marriage work...I know there are no answers here...just needed some support..thanks

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Quootiepie · 19/12/2006 08:19

oh dear To be honest, it sounds like there are major issues if his jealousy over how you feed your baby can spirla towards divorce. Im sure ive read something about this, ill have a quick suft on the web for you, see if I can find some useful specific advice xXx

Quootiepie · 19/12/2006 08:23

here's something

Can I ask, if its not rude, is it anything to do with any religious beliefs or anything? Just come across abit of that while searching xxx

Quootiepie · 19/12/2006 08:28

here aswell...

Sorry if im overloading you with crap xXx

Original poster
dasherdancerandvixen · 19/12/2006 08:29

Hi,..no not to do with religious beliefs, but he is not English...and not crap...right now anything will help!!

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Original poster
dasherdancerandvixen · 19/12/2006 08:31

I love breastfeeding ds. I think it is best for him...but am seriously considering stopping to appease dh...
is this totally stupid of me..?

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littleducks · 19/12/2006 08:40

how old is your ds, is he still getting used to the breastfeeding a newborn or has this been going on a while? my dh wanted me to go to feeding rooms or toilets etc whendd was tiny but that only lasted about a month (when i had learnt how to do it a bit more discreetly) and now he is much happier for me to feed wherever.

I dont think yiu should stop, i think you would feel guilty and if you introduced formula he would probably very quickly persuade you to stop. Where you are how common is breastfeeding in public?

Plibble · 19/12/2006 08:42

It is not stupid to consider giving up breastfeeding if it does not suit. After all, women do not breastfeed for a variety of reasons, not just because they can't. But I can't help wondering if it would just be a quick fix. If you stop breastfeeding, is your husband then going to be jealous of the time you spend with your son, or the cuddles that you give him instead?
A lot of men are jealous of their children to start with, but really they just have to grow up and get over it. They need to go through a period of adjustment, but I don't think that changing how you deal with your son is the long-term answer.

LIZS · 19/12/2006 08:57

Is this the same man you were writing of the other day , who had blown up, frightened you and gone off to cool down ? He sounds both insecure and controlling if he cannot see that the benefits of your ds being b'fed take priority for the short term and sounds overly concerned that others may see it as a sexual thing. There is a clear distinction between that and the discretion which it sounds as if you exercise anyway but somehow he feels the need to impose it on you. What happens when he is not with you , do you feel able to just get on with things or are you worried about what he may think each time ? tbh even if you gave up the breastfeeding to please him, he may well just turn something else into an issue.

tiktok · 19/12/2006 09:14

dasher, this is abusive, controlling behaviour towards you and your son.

I don't care what culture he comes from or what emotional or other psychological baggage he is bringing into adulthood, or how much of this is his 'fault'.

He is being nasty and cruel, and stopping breastfeeding - which you may decide to do for short-term peace - will not resolve this issue.

You won't persuade him to change his mind about breastfeeding, because of what it symbolises to him.

I am sad for you and for your children - the picture you paint goes some way beyond the 'normal' discomfort some men feel about bf.

kiskidee · 19/12/2006 09:22

what culture is he from? i can't think of any culture that has such latent hostility to bf. it sounds personal rather than cultural.

DizzyBinterWonderland · 19/12/2006 09:35

do you have a good relationship with his mother? was he breastfed? i really can't see it being a cultural thing, it's the culture in this country and other western boob obsessed countries that are a problem. i've seen women in full hijab breastfeeding in public fgs.

Quootiepie · 19/12/2006 09:36

the only reason i asked about that was when i tried to look up some links, i came across some references to that ~ i myself am clueless

DizzyBinterWonderland · 19/12/2006 09:42

oh no i wasn't having a go quootie. i just think really whatever culture he is there is still no reason to give in to him.

Quootiepie · 19/12/2006 09:45

no, nor was I problem with MN, you cant type tone of voice. I was just explaining that I dont know of any cultures where it's an issue, but came across (but didnt read) some references to that. Maybe other know more about it? But, doesnt matter anyway as Dashers DH isnt doing this over religious/culture issue... i dont think

tiktok · 19/12/2006 09:46

Dizzy - some non-western cultures (where breastfeeding, as you say, can take place anywhere) recognise that it's not always like that here. And I have certainly come across men from non-western cultures who feel uncomfortable about their partners bf here (UK) as a result....because they know about our messed-up attitudes.

But they don't usually show the nasty control shown by dasher's partner.

Original poster
dasherdancerandvixen · 19/12/2006 10:31

He is a far east asian man. Its more jealosy than cultural I think, but there is an element of culture and embaressment.

Ill talk to him when he gets home, and show him this thread maybe.

Yes, we have been having problems, but i dont want the marriage to be over and alone with two kids...not when it appears bf is one of the main issues.

The idea here that boys have to be toughened up pro has something to do with it..

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Original poster
dasherdancerandvixen · 19/12/2006 10:33

his mother is not with us anymore, and no they were not close. He said he was bottle fed, and his mum thought only poor people bf - prob a personal not cultra view

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