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[ourrachblogs]

Hi everyone, I wrote an article yesterday about a mission I am on to hopefully make some changes to help support women going forward. I'm wondering if I could post it here. Please read and share if you want to. Not meant to cause offence etc.

Thanks
ourrachblogs.com/2015/09/breast-is-best-but-at-what-cost/

Thanks for posting, and it's great you have reached out to other women struggling with anxiety, depression and sadness around and after the time of birth.

I do feel you are loading a lot on to the midwife though. I feel sorry for midwives sometimes - what they say is remembered by mothers for years. A throw-away remarked is taken to heart and more meaning than it can bear is placed on it, because when we are vulnerable and raw, we do this.

No one should judge, criticise or even comment on anyone's decision to breastfeed or formula feed or to use both. It doesn't matter if someone chose to do one of these, or felt the decision was made for them after a struggle.

I think what your midwife said was tactless, but I wonder if all she meant was 'I can tell you are not feeling entirely happy about using formula, but unlike the hard time you are giving yourself, I am going to remind you that you have had a rough ride and it's no surprise you are stopping breastfeeding'.

She could have been kinder, she could have listened to you, she could have found out what you really wanted to do and helped you decide if there were alternatives to a complete switch to formula, or if you wanted to try other things to make the breastfeeding a viable option.

She didn't do any of that, and instead, said something tactless and non-empathic. You say in your post you don't want an argument with a midwife in those difficult days after birth - of course not! And she didn't give you one! You say you don't want midwives to push breastfeeding or insist on breastfeeding....and your midwife did neither.

I think what you are complaining about is poor communication skills - now that's worth feeling cross about, as good communication should not be a luxury!

But I don't think it has much to do with a breastfeeding agenda per se. If midwives and others do push breastfeeding or insist on breastfeeding (or even if it just feels as if they are doing so), then this is poor care, plain and simple.

I wonder if you still feel upset and defensive about using formula . Even though he thrived and your head tells you this was the right decision for you both, your heart is still sad because you felt criticism coming from the midwife's lack of tact. Lots of women feel that way - it's horrible and destructive to mental health :( I wonder if counselling and sharing helps mothers move on from that anger.

Years ago, I wrote on here about some women in pregnancy buying ticket for the breastfeeding bus...and finding themselves on the 'wrong' bus with the baby actually born. The breastfeeding bus ticket is still in their pocket, because they always saw themselves as a 'breastfeeding mother' ...yet here they are, on the formula feeding bus, and while they are ok in some ways (the bus is going in the same direction!), they feel let down and disappointed and just plain sad. It's up to all of us, though, not to affirm those feelings and instead, share support and acceptance, just as breastfeeding women need support and acceptance.

What do you think?

Hi op, sorry that you've had such a rough time and kudos that you've got people talking about such an important subject.

I agree with tiktok that perhaps you still feel a little defensive about ff?? When my ds was born I tried desperately hard to bf but with tt, jaundice, terrible cracked nipples and weight loss he ended up mix fed until 6 months when we switched to f. I took lots of fairly innocuous comments very personally and was very defensive of using f. I remember giving chapter and verse about my bf woes, going on about how ds was mix fed so he was still getting bm etc.......to the woman in Boots. Because obviously she was judging me about buying f.

I had dd 9 weeks ago and bf has gone well. I've introduced f this time because I want to and I feel totally different about. At dds review I told the hv about giving her some f and she just said "That's a shame". I just smiled and said "no it's not, it's exactly how I want to feed my baby". Two years ago I would have literally cried for days. The hv is shit at her job.

I really feel that the "breast is best" message is completely useless. It has never been backed up with proper support for women. Of course there should be support available for new mums full stop, irrespective of feeding choice. I think that special attention should be paid to the word "choice". if a mum chooses to ff then great, my friends who did have no regrets. If a mum chooses to bf and does so with no problems then that's great too. Where the support (and money) needs to be focussed is on mums who want to bf but struggle. No one should "end up" ff due to lack of support.

Yes Nicky that Hv is another poor communicator. Really bad thing to say :(

None of the bf organisations I know about have used the words 'breast is best' for ages and ages. Mottos and slogans are fine for political campaigns or to sell soap powder but they are simply not good for individual situations where feelings and personal experiences matter.

Yes, but the "breast is best" has been a fantastic slogan in that it's stuck hasn't it? Probably because it's so simple. Which infant feeding is not.

I've also found things a little different to op in that I've found all of the pressure to bf has been ante natal and post natal advice has almost always gone to "give f", probably because they don't have the resources to offer proper support(??). The hv I had just after dd was born was always pushing formula for really no good reason. So the message is very mixed.

Yes, it's the slogan that won't die, Nicky

It really is rubbish if breastfeeding is promoted and then the actual knowledge and skills to support it when it hits problems is not there.

ourrachblogs - any response to these thoughts?

I cant help but feel that the whole point of the article has been missed by the comments below.

I don't see anywhere in it that the writer suggests that she personally feels some kind of 'angst' that she did not chose to breast feed, she is making the point that she was already in a hugely emotional situation, deep rooted anxiety and worry, and that this choice, and it is a choice, was creating more anxiety for her.

There is nothing wrong with bottle feeding, I bottle fed both my girls and they are both fit and well, one of my reasons for doing this with my second was that I was planning a return to work 4 months later, and had I decided to breastfeed then she refuse a bottle I would have been right up sh1t creek.

It is a choice, and mothers should be treated the same whatever feeding route they go down.

I know with my first daughter (14 years ago) I was treated like a second class citizen in the maternity ward because of my decision. This time I gave birth in a midwife led unit at 9am, and I was farmed out by noon. Yes the birth was fast (4 hours), no there was no complications, but I also felt again, that given my choice to bottle feed that they didnt want me to stay in, even though I was bleeding heavily.

I'm not having a go at the medical profession, my care before the birth was brilliant, but it was pretty evident that when I did my birth plan and suggested I would be bottle feeding that the tone changed somewhat.

It sounds like you were treated very badly by your hcp julie. Treating someone as a second class citizen for choosing to ff is appalling. Women should not have to worry about what their mw or hv is going to say about their feeding choice.

I've had some trouble reconciling this issue myself. I find that a lot of the debate is from the starting position of bf is a good thing (which imho it is) and that more women should do it. It's that I take issue with. I think ff should be treated for what it is- a perfectly valid choice that works best for some mums, I don't think their choice should be judged as "wrong". however I disagree that it is always a choice in the straight forward meaning of the word. I didn't feel as if I had a choice about giving ds f, I felt like it was an absolute necessity which, having found out more about bf I now realise it wasn't. I may be completely wrong but how I read the article was that the op didn't choose to ff, but chose to bf, had (what sounds like) a terrible time then switched. What I am saying is that when a mum chooses to ff she should be given any advice/help needed but equally a mum who wants to bf but encounters problems should also be given support. It's hard to walk the line between offering help and support to bf and pressurising women to carry on bf when they want to stop.

BEWARE LONG RANT AHEAD!!

Tiktok I have to say I think you are wrong on 2 theories you have, one being that it is a communication problem and the other that it is women who have not breastfeed (sorry I am writing everything out I don't do abbreviations!) that have issues with it! That is so not true. I breastfed for 4 months, and enjoyed it in the end but I still have an issue with the pressure put on mums and how I was made to feel.

When I was only a few weeks pregnant a friend (who didn't know I was pregnant and went on to feel terrible having told me this story when I was pregnant) told me why she is definitely never having more children. Her experience was horrendous from being shouted at for going to hospital too soon (although she was 7cm!) to having a clot and losing a lot of blood so missing out on seeing her baby when they were first born. When feeling so worn out and emotional that she couldn't breastfeed the midwife took the babies head and shoved it on her breast, making her feel so man handled and useless. She amazingly went on to breastfeed for over 6 months but in that time realised she had post natal depression and really struggled to bond with her baby. Having lost a lot of blood she had very little energy and was told by he midwife visiting - just sit in your Pyjamas with the remote control and a pack of biscuits and just 'feed, feed, feed!' don't leave the house for 2 weeks! This old fashioned order just made everything worse as her baby was obsessed with her and would scream every time she left him so she would be running for the toilet and taking minimal showers. HOW WRONG!!! A friend suggested to her to do formula at night to help her get some much needed rest (and let her partner share the load) but when she suggested it to the midwife she said absolutely not! No wonder she felt so rubbish and even had thoughts of running away. I have heard another story from a friend very similar. I know they used to tell you to stay in the house for 2 weeks feeding to get your milk in, but I wonder how many women had undiagnosed post natal depression? I got out for a walk on day 4,with some sun on my face and felt a hundred times better. I know not everyone could do that but to tell people to stay in for 2 weeks I don't agree with.

At my antenatal classes formula wasn't spoken of (if it was it was only mentioned in a negative way) and I knew for well that there was a lady in the room who was told she couldn't breastfeed, how crap she must have been made to feel. Breastfeeding was made out to be such a wonderfully beautiful and easy experience something my lovely Health visitor went on to tell me that she has never met a woman who has found it easy from the start! I was so worried about being manhandled like my friend was it was a shame it then happened to me too! Before labour I had mentioned to people that if someone manhandled me I won't stand for it and tell them in a polite way to get the F off! After 36 hours of labour my sleepy baby wouldn't latch on (quite normal obviously) so I rang my bell for some help. It was the middle of the night I had given birth at midnight I needed to sleep but my baby was hungry! The breastfeeding 'specialist' grabbed my nipple so hard and shoved my babies face on it. I could have cried, but I didn't. I didn't even tell her to get off me I just let it happen. I so regret that but I had no energy and felt so vulnerable. I tried feeding all night without success but I daren't press my button because I didn't want that lady to come over to my bed. You tell me this is a COMMUNICATION issue? I beg to differ.

I got strapped to an industrial size electric breast pump every 4 hours. Looking back I am proud of myself as it was rather horrible, my partner made a joke comment that we wouldn't have to buy a breast pump just go to the local dairy farm. I burst out crying.

I managed to feed in the end and have enjoyed it but have been to the doctors a lot about my own feelings of depression. I have just finished breastfeeding and feel like myself again. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with it but it carried a lot of emotion for me. My little girl who has been struck with colic since she was born is so much more content now - I was thinking it was the formula maybe its that mum is happier too!

Thank you so much Rach for sharing this wonderful article, I think it is great what you are doing, the attitudes need to change we need to think of every mum as a person, look at the whole picture and support on whichever decision they make.

Jev, gosh, you have so misunderstood what I said, so it's hard to counter your points.

You say: "Tiktok I have to say I think you are wrong on 2 theories you have, one being that it is a communication problem and the other that it is women who have not breastfeed (sorry I am writing everything out I don't do abbreviations!) that have issues with it! That is so not true. I breastfed for 4 months, and enjoyed it in the end but I still have an issue with the pressure put on mums and how I was made to feel."

I suggested that in the OP's case - which is the only one I commented on - the midwife was tactless and unkind, and should have communicated her support for the OP's switch to formula better. That's a communication problem....and actually, communication is important. If the health service wants to support more breastfeeding, then it has to communicate better, more kindly, and to understand that all women need empathic treatment and care, however they feed. Breastfeeding support does not mean suggesting that women ought to breastfeed at all costs.

Your friend's situation was another example of this. I think you are suggesting that when I say 'a communication problem' I am minimising things....communication is KEY to god care, and I bet you agree :)

Manhandling is poor communication and poor care. You can communicate how to help a baby latch without manhandling. It's horrible, and I have experienced it myself.

You cried when your partner made a joke - he did not want to upset you, but you cried because of the communication problem :(

As for me thinking it is only women who have not breastfed that have issues with the whole thing....absolutely not. Many women like yourself struggle with serious problems with breastfeeding and have an experience that could be so much better, and their memories are very mixed. Of course they have issues as well, and why wouldn't they?

I do hope I have explained myself better....I think breastfeeding 'support' is not done well at all, not when women end up at the wrong end of yes, a COMMUNICATION problem, and a big one :(