Guilty and Upset

[Popplemama]

Not quite sure what I'm asking but felt the need to vent...

I have ebf my dd for 23 weeks now and, save for a tricky start due to jaundice and a few bouts of thrush, it's been relatively plain sailing.

The trouble is that I have never found it enjoyable or a special or wonderful experience and I am increasingly finding myself overwhelmed with guilt, hurt and resentment about the way I feel. I don't hate it but feel like I must be a terrible mother to not have found it a magical bonding experience (like everything I read seems to suggest...)

Virtually all the mums I know have changed to ff long before now but the few who continued seem to love it and say they weren't ready to stop at six months - I definitely seem to be an anomaly in persevering without enjoying it!

The six-month mark is now in sight and I guess I just feel guilty about wanting to stop when I achieve the recommended ebf timescale and upset that I seem to have missed out on something wonderful. Maybe there's something wrong with me! Can anyone relate?

There is bugger all wrong with you.

Stop with the guilt and start giving yourself credit for how well you have done.

There is an awful amount of pressure on BFing mothers to feel this magical euphoria at all times and it's rubbish.

There is nothing wrong with wanting your body to be yours again.

Well bloody done!

Often the easiest and most enjoyable is just at the 6 month mark.

I think you have bought into some hype or other.

If you want I feed on, just relax and take one day at a time. You need to be sure you want to stop, cause you can't go back easily.

Whatever you have done great.

You are not alone, I promise! I did like it (but it wasn't particularly magical or wonderful, mainly convenient) but I have been on these boards for a good few years now and have read many posts from women who describe your exact position. Have also known a couple in RL and even one who is really pro-BF but absolutely hates doing it.

Don't feel guilty. You did it which is what you wanted to do - and you feel bad because you didn't enjoy it? That makes you MORE of a saint in my book! Please have all the permission to burn the nursing bras on exactly the day that your DD turns six months.

I think the magical bonding thing is a bit odd. It's bonding because you are cuddling them and looking into their eyes. Which you can do anyway.

There is too much guilt around normal feelings of being a parent. You don't have to feel a particular way about breastfeeding. You certainly are allowed to not particularly like doing it!

It's something you've never done before so you aren't to know how you feel about it beforehand. It's like all other aspects of having a baby - some parts are ok for some women and not for others. Some women find pregnancy to be a difficult time and don't have a connection to their baby. Other women struggle with issues around labour and birth. Some women find the newborn phase to be really not suited to them but really enjoy the toddler phase and so on. None of these things makes anyone a bad parent, each person has their own experiences.

Give yourself a break , and try not to think of what you should be feeling. Look at what you do enjoy about your baby, and don't place any big significance on your feelings towards breastfeeding.

Thank you all - definitely hit a low point last night!

DD is wonderful but is an incredibly active baby - and feeder! At least 80% of feeds involve her kicking wildly, slapping my chest and pulling my boobs whilst she happily guzzles and it's really draining! I very rarely get a calm, still feed and therefore struggle to see what could be enjoyable about these wrestling matches - both hands are always needed!

I love that she enjoys it and that it's helped her to grow healthy and strong but it's definitely not been the lovely bonding experience I hoped for!

I've had very mixed feelings about bf. With ds it was just awful to start with, Tt, jaundiced, sleepy baby who didn't gain weight and agony for me. I hated it. After the issues were resolved I quite enjoyed it in that I could latch him on and then watch tv/eat cake/mn for a couple of hours but I still mix fed for a rest. It was never a magical bonding experience.
I'm currently feeding my three week old dd and it has been much more straight forward, good latch, good weight gain etc and it's still not a magical bonding experience. I'm waiting for it to get more convenient than ff really.