Breast feeding woes

[stormyseas]

I'm the father.
We had a difficult birth and our baby wouldn't latch.
Over the next 48 hours we had 3 midwifes try to get baby to latch, but no one could manage it.

We went home and started bottle feeding. At this stage we both wanted to breast feed our baby but it was clear that it was becoming emotionally difficult for my wife.

The health visitor came over and recommended going to the hospital for some help at a drop in clinic. We went, but we made no progress, we could not get any kind of latch going. My wife was in floods of tears, I cried.
My wife started looking down and I became worried that she was becoming depressed so I decided to stop mentioning breastfeeding. I bought an electric pump.

She expressed for 2.5 weeks. She was looking a little better so I tried to kick start the process again by suggesting a nipple shield. We were able to get her to latch for a while and judging from what we had to give her from the bottle to fill her up afterwards she took a fair amount. We tried again the next day but my wife's nipples were too sore to continue.

I thought as a last ditch attempt we could try a lactation consultant. She came over and diagnosed a tongue tie. We went ahead with the op.

But now my wife is only going to try breastfeeding a few more times before she gives up.

I can see that it is causing her considerable emotional pain. But I also know that she can be a person who gives up when things get tough, without a little encouragement.

Everyone is telling me enough is enough, but I know if it was me I would try a little longer. I am also not satisfied that she has tried breastfeeding enough, she seems only to have tried when I have suggested it. It feels like she is pulling away from it because she feels like it is her fault. No matter how many times I tell her it isn't her fault she won't listen. And now that I can see that she is letting her pain get in the way of following the best course of action for our baby I am starting to feel a little that way.

I am very convinced that there is a significant advantage to being breastfed having read the WHO report and a few meta studies. I feel that I have to fight for my daughters future, but I also know that I risk falling out with my wife.

She is saying that she will be unable to express for much longer because she has too much to do. I have offered numerous ideas to give her more time to express, but it's not going down well.

I am aware that it is her body and she has the ultimate say over what happens.
But I think she is about to make a really bad decision because she doesnt have the strength to push through it.

If I support her and be the loving husband I should be I sacrifise a little piece of our baby's future. If I push harder I gamble for a better outcome for my wife and daughter, but risk us falling out.

I dont know what to do.

OP I felt massive guilt to keep breastfeeding because it's 'best' and because my DH really believed that's how our DD should be fed. I did it for 7 months despite the difficulties and it's actually the only thing both DH and I regret about DD's early months. Since switching to ff I've been a much better mother because I've had way more energy and been way less stressed. DD has also been much happier and weirdly has seen all of the health benefits that she was meant to get from breastfeeding - fewer colds, less sick, eczema disappeared, etc. A happy mum makes for a happy baby.

MsRyanGosling: I am saying the statistical analysis is not always done properly, and then I go on to explain why the statistics is difficult. Do you have any responses to my reasoning?

To those suggesting OP gets milk from a milk bank: I think you need to be very careful with these - as I understand they are not regulated so you have to make sure the one you choose follows appropriate safety standards. I think there are more potential problems with milk from a milk bank compared to feeding directly - I would be very interested to see statistics on the health benefits of donated milk compared to direct feeding!

(I am not anti-breastfeeding btw, I chose to bf mine, but I struggled three months of pain to do that for dc1 and I think that is something that should be entirely up to the women in question whether she wants to do it.)

But I also know that she can be a person who gives up when things get tough,
she is about to make a really bad decision because she doesnt have the strength to push through it.
I sacrifise a little piece of our baby's future

Sorry op I know you think you're helping but these are not supportive statements.

You need to ask her what she would like to do with regard to feeding your baby and then you need to accept it. I had a really bad start to bf with a Tt, jaundice baby. The pain was unbelievable. My dp was supportive. He would never have said these thing about me or to me.

Agreed Nicky - statements like that would have been the final straw for me at the beginning.

I also had a really tricky start (jaundiced baby who couldn't stay awake to feed) and DH has said that, whilst as a father he obviously wanted the best for DD, as a husband he hated seeing me in pain and distress and would have had no qualms switching to ff if the problems persisted. Thankfully we got through it in time but I'm certain that the lack of pressure from DH (and my family) was a key factor in that.

Basically if you're not the one with the boobs you need to accept that you don't get the final say and just gently support your wife to get through the next few days and weeks, whatever choices are made and however things play out.

Please do not put any more pressure on your poor wife. Breastfeeding can be SO difficult physically and emotionally to start off with and although I know it's not your fault - you can't really truly understand this.

When I was going through similar to your DW (tt not diagnosed until 8 weeks!) I already felt like I was failing as a mother, and letting my baby down; letting myself down. I never felt like I was letting my DH down - and if he had made me feel like that it would have been the final straw I think. The added pressure would not have helped.

Fully appreciate you wanting the best for your baby. The best at the moment is that your wife is a happy mum.

Echo the above advice about breastfeeding groups and support. Has she tried la leche league?

So how many night-wakings have you done? You say bf is important to you so if that is the case presumably you have been doing your share of the night feeds with pumped milk and you are picking up any slack on cooking, laundry and other household tasks? If yes, then fine, you are co-parenting and have an equal say. If not, then really you need to back the fuck off and let your wife decide on the best course of action for herself and your child. Breastfeeding is exhausting and it sounds like your wife has tried really hard to make it work so give her a break.

Perhaps if you tell her that you support her in stopping bf, she will find the strength to continue, but even if she doesn't it is important she decides and feels supported in her decision.

I am saying this even though my experience was the complete opposite. I bfed DD through a very painful first 9 weeks and then months of a high needs baby...all with DH trying to get me to stop! I did resent his attitude quite a bit and it made things even harder.

Andorover you have made the point much more eloquently than I did, and with the research links to back it up.

OP - you need to consider what is best overall for the family. A balanced decision is needed here, not a skewed focusing on one part of the picture, while ignoring other risks. I wish the three of you the best of luck.

I came here to say basically what androver said. In a healthy baby, in a western country with clean water , good sanitation and medical care, the differences are minuscule. I am a scientist and I have read the primary literature on this topic. It's not as cut and dried as people make out and it's an incredibly difficult area to do research in.

Don't push her on this. You can't possibly know what she's going through, how much pain she's in or how she feels. I'm sorry to say this but you're not helping here, you're making it worse.

No more pressure. Switch to formula if that's what she wants. You're not harming your child by doing so. You may harm your wife by pushing her to bf when both body and mind are against it though. She's tried very hard, and you're framing the situation in 'if you tried harder' when it should be ' well, didn't work for us, thank goodness we have a healthy baby'

I second the other posters asking if you're doing half the night waking a and general work too. Are you ?

If your poor wife is certain she wants to switch to formula then you really should support her decision. After a traumatic birth and first few weeks she really needs you to support her and be a good husband now. Talk it through with her and if this is really what she wants then tell her you'll be there to support her. Your DD needs both her parents to be happy.

I frequently wanted to give up BF and my husband was there to help me through it. In my case my DD had tongue tie that was only diagnosed and snipped at 3 weeks which caused me horrendous pain. I've had mastitis 4 times in the first 9 weeks, blocked ducts and bleeding nipples. The pain is indescribable so please try to understand where your wife is coming from - she'll be dreading every feed and not enjoying your baby. My DDs latch took 3-4 weeks after the op to improve and it's only now at 10.5 weeks that I'm pain free on one side. The other side is still painful due to raynauds. So if you can imagine being in near-constant excruciating pain all day every day for 10 weeks, imagine how you'd feel if someone told you to keep doing it because they would if they were you! Not v helpful. If she wants to continue it should be her choice.

I hope it works out for the 3 of you. Good luck!

But I also know that she can be a person who gives up when things get tough, without a little encouragement.

Jesus, you said yourself she had a difficult birth, baby has had a tongue tie, and she has been expressing for over 2.5 weeks? Yet you say she gives up when things get tough. How wonderfully supportive you sound

With my DD, I'd had what was for me a really easy ELCS, so no difficult birth, but her latch must have been poor and my nipples were shredded. I was in agony at each feed. I begged my DH to go get formula. I did carry on feeding her and luckily things got better quickly.

With my DS, again ELCS. Feeding seemed to be fine at first, then his latch was dreadful. TT diagnosed at 4 weeks. It has taken 3 snips for it to be better. It has been at times the most upsetting and soul destroying experience of my life, trying to continue breastfeeding him. I've nothing against FF at all, it's just the stupid pressure I put on myself to feed him like I did with DD. Im still bf DS, I must be stupid actually, to have put myself through such hell, and i really think that FF is genuinely better in some circumstances. If your wife want to FF you should support her fully. She has done a n amazing job so far.

Really take issue with your giving up comment, you cannot possibly comprehend being pregnant, giving birth, what the hormones do and how they make you feel. Bf is often tough to begin with but I'm trying to feed a tongue tied baby is horrendous. You just can't know the pressure. Support your wife in whatever she chooses.

OP if I said what I thought of some of your sentiments I'd be deleted.

You have no idea how much BF can hurt. DS didn't have a tongue tie but until he cracked a good latch each feed ranged from toe-curling pain to agony.

She's expressed for 2.5 weeks. If she wants to stop now then that's absolutely fine. Your child's future will not be harmed.

My first DC wouldn't latch on, just screamed at me. Started on formula and some ebm which very quickly became formula only. At 3 she's bright as a button and rarely ill. I on the other hand got PND.

Back off and support your wife properly.