Stopping exclusive pumping and guilt

[Liosalfar]

Hello all

I don't really know what I am hoping from posting but I'm really struggling with wanting to stop exclusively pumping and the guilt.

I exclusively pumped for DC1 for 14 months - ended up with bad PND partly through the ridiculous amount of pumping. I really regret the decision I made to pump rather than enjoy my baby.

Had DC2 and was again unable to successfully breastfeed. . I was intending to ff but was strongly encouraged to pump again. Started pumping but in a more sensible manner. Am very lucky to have a good supply so she has had breast milk exclusively. She is 24 weeks and I only need to pump x2 a day to get enough for her. Despite only having to pump twice a day though I have reached the point where I just really want to stop.

I just hate pumping, all the memories of last time plus getting up early to do it before my two DC wake. However I am really, really struggling with the guilt around this decision - particularly as I can see that only having to pump 2x a day really isn't that hard plus the fact that I pumped for 14 months with my eldest. DC2 is such a sweet, lovely, easy baby it feels like I am letting her down.

The weirdest thing is that I am not remotely in the camp of breastfeed at all costs - infact the opposite. I have no interest at all in how other mums feed and know that formula itself is a great alternative to breast milk. I admire my friends who were strong enough to make the decision to ff as that is best for their family. And yet I can't find a way to handle this guilt

Sorry this is such a long post! Any helpful advice would be much appreciated

Liosolfar, so sorry you are feeling conflicted about all this :(

I think the operative word here is feeling - your head is quite unconflicted :) You know that it is fine to stop pumping now. You know your baby will not resent you. You know you have a perfect and justifiable reason to stop - better things to do, need for time off from handling the boring old pump, and just, well ENOUGH pumping, thank you!

But that's your head.

Inside the deeper part of your mind you are not so clear. Would it help to reframe your feelings of guilt (which are crazy - you have nothing to feel guilty about, as you are aware) as anger, grief, disappointment, sadness....you're sad it didn't work out as you wanted it to, you are grieving for the lost experience of direct, problem-free, casual everyday breastfeeding you see elsewhere and which you may have had in your mind, you are disappointed in whatever circumstances/physical barriers led to not breastfeeding and sad that this milky-dependency on you is coming to an end (especially if DC2 is your last baby).

It's ok to be angry, sad etc etc etc. 'Handling' it means accepting these feelings as normal and understandable, but temporary, and not seeing them in terms of the horrid, self-blaming guilt ('cos you know, in your head, guilt is so inappropriate!).

Do something definitive with the pump - pass it on to a friend, perhaps? Or place it in the deepest darkest cupboard where you don't see it! Write a little note in your journal or somewhere about how utterly amazing it is to keep exclusive pumping up for 6 mths - blimey - and your beautiful, abundant, bounteous breasts which have done this recently on just 2 expressings a day :)

And then think about what sort of nice thing you can do or buy for yourself or your DCs that will bring you joy and fun. Even if it's just an ice cream ;)

Thank you so much for your post tiktok, I think you are right that what I am really grieving for is my inability to breastfeed either of my DC and stopping pumping is bringing this back up, as perhaps something I never really accepted or dealt with (and yes this will be my last DC). I think trying to reframe it for myself in the way you have suggested may very well help.

Your understanding has really brought a tear to my eye ( but in a good way), in RL my DH and friends just see this as such a practical choice and really don't get why in feeling upset at all.

I exclusively pumped for 3 wks b4 getting DS on with nipple shields.

Huge Hats off to you - you should be so very proud of yourself. it was exhausting, confusing & combined with hormones... I cried & cried & cried. I have to say say, I would find it difficult to persevere with another DC to take care of so that's another achievement OP.

Tiktok has been very articulate & I'm glad you've found some comfort from the words. I agree wholeheartedly with them myself. Be kind to yourself.

I'm e'ping. I'm thinking of giving up at 14 weeks (and have been thinking this but not actually giving up for weeks!). I'm feeling exactly the same and desperately/hopelessly trying to reintiate breast feeding despite almost losing my mind from the pain at 6weeks and spending a small fortune on lactation consultants, tobgue ties and 'devices'. Totally, totally understand. Seriously amazing work! I also think e'ping comes with an emotional price. When you see you're making milk and baby is well fed it makes it so much harder to give up. But actually that is what you need to do to meet baby's/your other needs. I'm in the process of writing a 'cons'/missing out list. Basically everything I or my baby miss out on due to pumping to try to convince myself it's okay to stop at 4-6months when we start weaning.

Hello, just read your post and felt compelled to reply! I am pumping 6 x a day for my 12 wk old DD2. I get a grand total of 250ml from 6 x pumping sessions and 2.5hrs on the pump. It is soul destroying. Initially she breastfed and then at 6 wks decided she wanted a bottle due to my very slow supply. Like you I am sad and extremely disappointed I've not been able to fully breastfeed either of my children (same happened with DD1) but actually reading your post has helped me!!

24 wks is a long time, I dream of being able to do what you've done. Give yourself a massive pat on the back, look at both your children and gosh ally / healthy they are and enjoy your time with them. Don't let a bloody breast pump spoil it!

From a practical perspective could you cut down gradually rather than just hang up the pump? If you went down gradually to one pumping session a day- and introduces formula for the other- it may feel like less of a big deal when you do eventually stop. It's also kinder for your boobies :)

And also I thought of this article around giving yourself some credit for the awesome job you did for both your DC. You ARE a successful breastfeeding mother.
kellymom.com/bf/normal/picture-of-success/

Thank you so much for all your kind replies! I have started cutting down one pump this morning and will introduce some formula so that I can do it gradually and so that I don't get yet another bout of mastitis

Snowy and primary - good luck with the pumping. I appreciate it sounds a bit strange coming from me but please don't let it intrude on the time you are spending with your lovely babies! As I mentioned I pumped for 14 months with DC1 and now I look back I do regret that and the time I spent away from him hooked up to a pump. I think I should have enjoyed him more.

I hope everyone has a successful and happy feeding relationship - whatever method!