Considering giving up after a measily 17 days...

[weeblueberry]

I'm in agony. Obviously I was letting DD nipple feed on my left (despite knowing how to latch her well because she's my second breastfed baby) and my left nipple is utterly shot to hell. It makes me cry with pain whenever she tries to latch onto the left and using my right exclusively doesn't work either because that was starting to hurt just as much despite the latch being fine.

Last time with DD I almost certainly slid into undiagnosed PND, primarily due to the breastfeeding. I really can't afford to go through that again this time because my toddler is already suffering through us now having to deal with the baby.

I just feel shattered. Utterly crap. I hated breastfeeding last time and really wanted it to be different this time round but its not, albeit in s different way (DD1 feeding wasn't painful...). If it wasn't so so sore this time Id keep it up but honestly not sure I can go on like this. Have spoken to breastfeeding group/counselor and midwife and health visitor and have tried everything they've suggested but I'm actually crying in pain virtually every left feed and I'm worried my toddler will see this and get upset.

Baby doesn't have tongue tie. I doubt it's thrush because its been only on one nipple.

I just don't know what to do and feel really broken at the moment...

Thank you Pacific - youve honestly been fab and made me feel much better

I absolutely sympathise with you. My DS is 3 weeks old now and I gave up BFing after 10 days for the same reasons. My nipples were so cracked and sore, they bled all the time and scabbed over. I dreaded the next feed as I would be crying with pain. He also nipple fed, and as I'm not in the UK there was no help available to me. No LLL and no BF councillors etc.
the midwives in the hospital said if he was sucking then that's fine, even though the pain was awful.
I did try to express but got about 1oz every half hour. I also have a pre schooler and he was just being left to his own devices whilst I was feeding, expressing, winding etc which wasn't fair.
I moved to ff because it is right for us as a family. I had to consider that I was miserable, and not enjoying my new baby at all.
Feeding is a small part of being a mother. Look at the bigger picture, your child is warm, fed, loved and nurtured. These are the things that are important.
I do understand the guilt, only too well and I do worry about being judged for FF ing, but at the end of the day, I know that I am doing my best, and it is good enough.
Enjoy your baby, these days fly by and I want to remember them as fondly as possible and I hope I can do that x

Thank you jiggly. I appreciate your post - it certainly sounds (apart from the lack of support) that were in similar situations. It's such a hard decision but I agree I have to think about the entire family and not just myself.

Once I have up I did keep expressing and giving him whatever I had collected at the end of the day. Not much but it helped knowing he was at least getting something from me. Good luck with whatever you do. There is no right or wrong, just what is best for you all.

jigglywiggly has just described my experience with DD (dc2) very eloquently. There are many ways to nurture a baby, feeding is just one of them.

You're doing brilliantly and you've lasted longer than most others would have done me included. I lasted just over 10 days with dd2 and made a positive decision that for dd2, who was hungry and not getting enough food, dd1, who was just 3 and very distressed by dd1 crying and me being stressed, dp who was being very supportive but obviously very concerned about all 3 of us, that the best thing for all of us was to swap to formula. I did not "give up" or "fail" I made a decision about the wellbeing of my family. You'll make the right decision for your family too but you won't have failed!

So sorry to hear things are so hard.

I really really struggled with feeding my dd and moved to bottles after a week. Was heartbroken at the time and felt like a failure, so do know how you feel. I also had PND and my struggles with feeding were a contributing factor.

I'm now pregnant with number 2 and have decided that I will be bottle feeding from the start. I cannot risk going through what I went through last time.

So no judgement from me, do whatever you feel best for you and your whole family - and your mental health has to be a consideration. Good luck.

Just wanted to add... I had thrush on just one side when bf'ing my DD, it is possible to only get it on one nipple. If your nipple looks red & inflamed & your LO has white patches in their mouth then get that checked out too. Cream should clear it up in a couple of days if it is that.

Congratulations on your new little one. Like you, I breastfed my first child with relative ease but found it a tough experience. My second is now three months old and I have had much more pain and many more difficulties breastfeeding. It made what should've been a lovely (albeit hard) period of time into an awfully depressing and worrying time for me and others involved. Having fed number one until well after she was weaned, I realised that, to try to do this with my second was going to compromise the health and happiness of my family. It was especially heartwrenching to make my first child go through hours of me trying to deal with number 2 crying and feeding and then me hoping a nap would come and then feeding again and promising to go out but then needing to feed again. I honestly do not know how DC1 coped with it. So, at 11 weeks, I swapped to formula.

DS is 13 weeks now, I breastfeed him once in the morning, at bedtime and overnight. So, from someone who has had a similar experience as yourself, here are the pros and cons of choosing to combine/give up breastfeeding (all personal thoughts with no research behind them):

Cons

If you had hoped to breastfeed, it is hard to give or to see someone give that first, second, third bottle

It's very tough going against the grain, especially if you have managed it the first time around

You have an extra job - washing and sterilising bottles

You have to put a bit more thought into going out - don't forget the bottles, mummy!

You will never know if breastfeeding will have become easier for you

I didn't appreciate how true it is that you have a hand free when breastfeeding whereas you really really can't help your toddler do anything when you have a baby in one hand and a bottle in the other

My first got chicken pox when my second was still being EBF and he didn't get it which was a relief as he was only about 8 weeks old

Pros

My baby is definitely more content and I no longer feel as though I'm sinking and taking everyone else with me

I am not forcing my older child to share the pain and misery that I tried to hide while breastfeeding but know that she picked up on

It's a privilege to feed a baby and my DH and DD can take part in it now (obviously EBF babies can be fed too with expressed milk)

There is no pain - I described breastfeeding as more painful than labour

There is now time in the day for DC1 to chat and 'play' with DC2 - it is lovely

I have breastfed both my children and so have you

So, at the end of the day, the decision is yours. As a family, we haven't really looked back. As a mum, I'm so much more relaxed but I do wonder if I could've kept going for a day/week/month more.

Good luck and congratulations again!