Help needed please.

[newfather07042015]

Hi everyone,

This is sort of a plea (sorry for the length) ..this is my first time on mumsnet and my wife doesn't know I'm here.

My wife had a very traumatic birth with our first on Tuesday morning which started with extreme pain throughout early and active labour (total 22hrs) and ended up with an emergency cesarean as we were close to losing our beautiful baby girl (both mum and baby are now in good health). My wife has been breastfeeding but has damaged nipples which are causing her enough pain to bring her to tears, it probably doesn't help that littlun was born tongue tied which was remedied today at 3 days old. I look at my wife and see the pain and suffering she went through with the birth, see the pain she is in having had the cesarean and being unable to lift her legs, stand up, sit down, lay down, walk on flat or upstairs, or pick our baby up without being in untold pain. But now I see the pain and hurt in her eyes when breastfeeding which is one of the most beautiful and natural things in life yet she can't enjoy due to the nipple damage. She seems so dejected and she feels like she is failing as a mum as the littlun wants feeding often and she can't do it without the pain and suffering. I wish I could help her but just like during the pregnancy and the labour, i feel absolutely useless.

Is there anybody who has gone through similar who has any advice they can provide to try and bring some joy to my wife? As an example, are we able to switch between breast and formula so I can give her a few days off to recuperate? Are there any old wives tales that help heal the nipple damage? I know this sort of sounds desperate but I just want to be able to make things right for her.

Any help would be greatly appreciated, thank you for your time.

Rob

Move heaven and earth to let her sleep. Don't pressure her to breast or formula feed, just do anything it takes to let her sleep. And congratulations. You're in for a helluva ride.

I had a similar birth to your wife. I would expect she is still very very sore from the c section and I hope she is taking strong painkillers.

Couple of things to help your wife:

1 She needs to focus on healing and feeding the baby. That means that you need to be there to do everything else or arrange for someone to be there in your absence. No doing dishes, changing baby as lifting hurts in the first few days etc. Let her tell you when she is ready to do more.

2 At this point her nipples are probably red raw so I suggest going into boots and asking one of the assistants for help locating breast shields and lavinosh cream. I would get two pairs of breast shields as its really important that they are sterilized daily to prevent infection. If you don't have them already get a box of microwave sterilizer bags. Again a boots assistant can help you locate them.

3 It's different for each person but with all the drugs I was taking I got really thirsty and the pain medicine backs you up. Here in the US they give you stool softeners twice a day and they kept me topped up with warm lemon water.

Don't forget the baby will feed every two hours on the dot which is why I say you need to be there until BF is established. Well done for coming on here and I hope your wife starts to feel better. It's such a shock, especially when it's your first.

Hi, yes, I had a similar birth to your wife only I'm a single mother and didn't have too much pain from the emergency section.

I didn't have my child's tongue snipped either so my nipples became scanner up bloody lumps at first. This lasted a week and is quite common for first time breast feeders.

Step back from worrying about the pain and discomfort your wife is in (I know it must be tough to see he suffering) and support her through it.

Sorry to hear your wife had such a tough time, I am sure it is really hard to see her in pain. I struggled after an emergency Caesarean, not so much with pain when feeding though so I can't help so much with that.
My husband used to give the occasional formula feed in the early weeks which did give me a little bit of a break and I think this was important in giving me the energy to persevere with breastfeeding. However it is up to your wife whether this is something she wants to do. Be aware that something that may seem obviously a good idea to you may seem more complicated for her, especially with all the hormones floating around. If you do decide to do formula then I would suggest using the little ready made packets as that is usually the easiest for occasional feeds (no measuring of powder, getting temperature of water right etc). You will only use a little bit and then have to throw the rest away which is a bit annoying (unless you put it on your cereal, tastes revolting though...). Avoid giving more formula feeds just to use the packet up (as my husband wanted to) as missing too many breastfeeds may lead to supply problems.

Real life support is really important so maybe see if you have a local breastfeeding cafe that you can take your wife to or phone one of the breastfeeding helplines for specific advice? There are numbers on the link below.
www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/breastfeeding-help-support.aspx

I am sure it will all get easier soon, in the meantime you sound very caring and I am sure you are doing a great job supporting your wife.

PS just reading back your original post, I don't know if I made it clear enough that although I totally understand you wanting to give your wife a few days off, if you want to mix formula and breastfeeding it is better to do one (or maybe two) formula feeds per day than to stop breastfeeding altogether for a few days. We used to give one or two formula feeds a week when I really needed a break, and then after the first 8 weeks or so we didn't need to anymore.

Also, if you are going to do this then be aware that some babies appear more settled after a bottle - this does not mean that they are not getting enough from breastfeeding, they just behave a bit differently with the different types of feeding. Decide in advance with your wife how many formula feeds you want to give and stick to it, don't give extra formula feeds because baby seems unsettled, otherwise you may miss too many breastfeeds and make it harder to establish breastfeeding properly as it works on supply and demand - every feed stimulates more milk production. Missing the odd feed won't be a problem but missing lots of feeds will reduce milk supply. And in the long run breastfeeding is much more convenient for going out for the day etc than having to take bottles. It's very early days for you all - it will all get better.

Also, this doesn't relate to feeding but just in case nobody has warned you about it, a few days after birth there is a weird hormonal crying - I spent an entire day in tears about 4 days after the birth, even though I wasn't actually upset about anything... Nothing you can do about it, it will pass.

If your wife gives a formula feed to get herself a break, to be able to pump will help ensure her supply remains stimulated. I'd suggest to either buy it rent a pump to help. I had an elective section this time after an emergency one last time & I'm much better physically, but it's bloody lovely to be able to give myself a break & nit have 9lb of baby sitting in my incision!

In the same vein, to learn how to bf lying down can offer the same relief. I'm 2 weeks in & the pain has reduced enough to make lying on my side ok.

Your wife needs to take the pain meds they give and bang on time too. Do not try & be brave, pain is easier to keep at bay than get rid if from scratch.

Finally, as noble as it is to bf, it's perfectly acceptable to admit defeat. I kept going for 12 weeks last time, but was in bits & very unhappy. Your wife should understand to prioritise herself & her recovery is acceptable too and has a direct link to the wellbeing of your baby. In hindsight I did really well to keep going - this time I'd be surprised if I keep going longer than a month. It feels really important at the time, but once they're weaned & grown (I have a nearly 4 year old) it really pales into insignificance - well it did for me anyway.

You sound lovely OP. I think one thing you need do is move from being stressed at what you can't help to focusing on what you can.

Prepare her food, bring her drinks, change nappies, cuddle the baby. If she wants, offer to take the baby out for a walk for an hour or so- just knowing you are off duty can sometimes help.

Most importantly, tell her repeatedly how amazing she is. How bloody brilliantly she did at giving birth to your gorgeous daughter. How in awe you are of her calm (or whatever ).

Oh, and does she have lansinoh cream for her nipples? It is the business - don't get cheap ones.

congratulations on your dd :o
my honest advice is to suggest she joins mumsnet! you can get this deleted if you'd feel ,ore comfortable.
hope the feeding situation improves and you are enjoying your first few days as a family in the sunshine

'she' being your wife of course

your baby dd is far too busy feeding, sleeping, pooing and gazing at her parents' faces to have time for mn

Get some lansinoh if you don't have it already and get her to apply to the nipple before and after each feed, then to air dry the nipple after a feed as this will help it to heal quicker. If it doesn't heal, see the midwife, health visitor or gp whichever is easiest and they will be able to advise what to do. I had awful cracked and painful nipples in the first week and it healed up fine so don't worry too much, there is just always a chance of infection or thrush which will need proper treatment.
Try to encourage and help her have a shower every day, clean and dry the incision gently. It is also important to clean and dry the nipples often.
Take the baby out for a walk and give her an hour or so rest where she doesn't have to worry. Try not to put any pressure on her to breastfeed, suggest that formula is an option and isn't admitting defeat but don't push it on her.
Good luck!

Also possible giving herself a day off of breastfeeding if it is that painful is not the end of the world. Some find expressing more comfortable and this would mean keeping her supply up but giving the nipples some time to heal. Hopefully with the tongue tie snipped the babies latch will have improved so the damage will not reoccur.
A snugglebundl might help too, you can buy them in boots and it is great for lifting a baby post c section. Try to help with manual tasks as much as possible, bring food and drinks and painkillers routinely.

Laughing a lot here. It's lansinoh not lavinosh! Air drying nipples was ok but the nipple shields promoted far faster heeling for me.

I hope your wife feels better today. I found I improved a lot each day.

I definitely agree with the others about Lansinoh nipple cream.

I didn't have a similar birth to your wife but I did struggle with BF because my baby boy had a tongue tie -which wasn't cut for 3 weeks so definitely feeling her pain!!

I would recommend expressing to give her nipples a rest as it doesn't hurt anywhere near as much. She would have to do it a fair amount though to keep supply up.

She may have an infection such as thrush? Would be worth speaking to midwife or health visitor definitely.

I used to dread the feeds, especially night feeds when I was awake on my own with baby.
I was getting so stressed with BF that I would cry before every feed, during and after and then it'd be time to feed again! Repeat!
I expressed for a couple of weeks and now I just use formula.
Baby and I now both much much happier.

I didn't want to let people down when I was going through the BF/formula decision. Turns out nobody that I cared about had any feelings either way about what I decided, they just supported me - and it sounds like you are being very supportive!

Do whatever works for your wife and you.

Most importantly, enjoy this time with your newborn as the last 7 weeks has flown for me, feels like he was born only yesterday!

Good luck and I hope you both start feeling better about the situation soon.

For sore nipples - lansinoh cream, also lansinoh breast pads are softer than some brands.

Boots also sell multimam compresses which are soothing.

The pharmacist can also sell you sheets of Jelonet dressing - a moist dressing ususally for burns. Cut into small squares and apply to the nipple to aid healing.

Nipple shields were my saviour (advent brand) but they are not ideal if you can avoid.

A dummy for baby to suck was also a massive help as it bought me a longer break sometimes!

You could also ring your midwife for advice.

I wanted to reply to offer some help as I've just recently been through the same thing!

DD2 is almost 4 wks old. I also had a cesarian and she had tongue tie so I suffered the same pain for the first ten days of breast feeding. I just wanted to say that the pain from the operation is awful for the first 3-(days (for me anyway) then it starts to ease and hopefully after 7-10 days your wife will feel much more normal but still shouldn't do any lifting / much at all and allow recovery for a few weeks. She will hopefully be able to get around at home without pain though which for me made an absolutely huge difference.

The breast feeding is incredibly hard. The pain is severe and it made me cry daily. The things that helped are:

Get checked for thrush (this can cause even worse cracked / blistered nipples)

Use lanisoh cream every time she feeds on the nipples

Express (if she has a pump) to keep the milk supply up and then you can feed baby with bottle and she can rest her nipples (a bit). She can also use the nipple shields with the pump.

Use formula if she wants to (I am not against this at all) but it can cause some problems with milk supply so it may be better to express if she can do.

Also I would suggest buying a medela bottle and calma bottle teat, they mimic the nipple / breast feeding action and so baby is less likely to get very into the bottle and not go back to the breast.

Also well done for writing this post, it is lovely to see a supportive husband trying anything to help his wife. Remember to feed her lots and help her rest as much as possible. Also my husband told me everyday how proud he was / how much he was amazed by what I could put up with which really helped me feel I was doing my best. At times it is completely demoralising thinking you can't feed your baby and it's good to know people think you're amazing for trying

Also if one side is worse than the other she could feed only from one side and express the other which i did for two days whilst the other healed.

I forgot to say the nipples healed within 3-4 days of the tongue tie snip for me so it's not forever. I have literally no pain at all now during or after feeding at 3.5wks so please let your wife know there's light at the end of the tunnel

A breastfeeding pillow is also great for keeping baby away from CS scar and and tender areas whether your DW is breast or bottle feeding.

Hi everyone,

I've read through the first 5 or so replies and I just want to thank everyone for their responses and advice. It's really nice of you all. Last night (the first night home) was awful, both mother and baby were extremely restless and we didn't manage to get to sleep until 5am but after a much more chilled day in which my sister came round with a cottage pie and looked after our littlun straight after a feed so we could get some well earned sleep, things are looking much brighter. I didn't realise how much I feed off of my wife, she's been happier and relaxed which has enabled me to do the same! I popped out today and bought some formula so it's there if needed but my wife has decided to persevere with the breastfeeding and took the last few days as a learning curve, which is great news. It's a long road ahead but it's looking up! :-)

Thank you all again :-D