I didnt expect to be emotional about this

[melsy]

DD2 is 11 weeks today and Im in a qaundry/transition, dont know what to call it really. I have so many mixed emotions and thoughts.

I introduced a formula bottle at 11pm, as expressing was getting really hard, as I either was BF or Expressing and it meant no time to do much else and poor dd1 3yrs old was not getting a look in at all. I was feeding every 3hrs or so not a huge window of time for expressing , and often had to do 3 times during day to get the 4-5 oz needed for dh to feed her at 11.

That seemd to go down ok , obviously didnt change her sleep pattern , but I didnt expect it to. It was mainly so I could get to bed at say 10 the latest, dh could then feed , as often I had to be up feeding twice during the night and the next day had to drive the car to nursury with only 5hrs broken sleep, (as Im sure many a mum has to do). I also needed to have a good chunk of sleep as Im mindful of having PND lst time around and know I need some time for me not to go over edge.

I thought I wanted to drop Bf at around 12-16 wks , so gradually each week Ive dropped a bf and swapped it for formula. I know IM going to be asked to justify my reasons for this , but many will know my history of mental health and the need for me time , not to go round the twist again.
Up till Monday this week I was on about 7-8 feeds , doing say the 4pm & 11pm with formula & the rest me. Ive been doing so for about 2-3 weeks and it seems to have been ok.So as of Monday I came to the next BF drop/ swap for formula which meant I was doing 5 BF (if Im up twice at night)and 3 bottles , since MOnday Ive not been sure how things are going , I just sense things not being as smooth.

I also thought her wieght gain was great ,as Ive been having to go up in babygros and now onto size 3 nappies this week, so didnt have her wieghed for weeks . After a HV clinic on Tues weigh in its shown that shes dropped a percentile, from 50th to 25th. They didnt give any advice ,just wanted me to come back every week, so they could properly plot her curve.

So since Monday its been a bit touch and go and Ive got quite upset. Ive been doing the same 3hrly pattern as with BF and shes really not happy, wriggling at every feed uninterested and thoruoghly peed off! I finally clicked last night with help from my family and yellowfeathers ! that I should be changing it now to 4hr gaps , as shes obviously not hungry and is too full upfrom the formula. So as of today Ive been offering every 4hrs and she seems a little happier and has just finished a 6oz bottle. The onyl thing is Ive now had to drop my 2nd BF in 3 days AND dropped a feed all together. I just feal anxious about it all.

I dont know what Im trying to get acrross, Im borderline depressed right now (other stuff going on with dh and family )and feel confused and upset as BF was going really well , I felt Id acheived something really special, I felt in control and actually quite relaxed on the whole, if not a little tied to the hip of dd2 , which has been quite nice at times , as I couldnt fully enjoy dd1 due to my severe PTSD/ panic attacks . Now I feel Im now doing things wrong ,especially reading all the things about formula feeding.

I didnt forsee the emotional pull in giving up and wierdly I thought id feel self concious BF in public , but Ive been quite proud actually. I feel more self concious in giving a bottle to be honest, as if someone will come up to me and tell me off , weird hey.

sorry about the essay , didnt realise it was soo long.

Thank you for reading if you have. I dont want to upset either feeding ways, as have done both. I just never knew so much about either before.

I'm not sure I understand... do you want to stop bf-ing altogether or do you want to get back to bf-ing more?

Melsy, you don't have to justify yourself to anybody - not to us, not to your HV, not to your family. Of course you are proud of what you have achieved! And that is something justifiable . You have bfd your dd2, which was important to you, and have made her transition onto formula easy for her. If the only hiccup was to forget that she might need a little longer between f feeds than between bfeeds - well that's pretty good!

Please don't let the weight centiles bother you. It really doesn't matter which centile line they follow, or even whether they follow one at all. You are right, IMO, to judge your dd's well-being by her behaviour and growing out of clothes (and of course the nappy count). Some children follow centile lines perfectly (my dd), others grow in steps, sometimes levelling off completely so that they effectively step down a centile before going up again (my ds1). As long as they're not actually loosing weight it's fine.

Two other things - firstly, you're still effectively sleep-deprived, which inevitably affects the way you look at things and makes you gloomier. I'm not belittling the depression, I've had PND and come through the other side, I remember how exhaustion can affect me. I remember trying to work out whether I was low because of exhaustion or because I was falling into PND and giving up trying to work it out because I couldn't. But I realised that, over time, it would become clear what was happening to me.

Secondly, giving up bfing can affect you emotionally because of the hormone changes. I remember having a ghastly fortnight after dropping dd's last feed. Thinking it was a disaster to have done so - but, after a while, my emotions settled down again and I felt OK about it again. Thank goodness for Mumsnet at that time - I was able to ask whether this was normal, or was I spiraling down into PND, and was reassured by other mums that they, too, had gone through these feelings after giving up bfing.

just to answer SD and then read PC post.

I dont know , I think I want to gradually stop, or just do one feed for the next few weeks if I can I think its quite normal to feel this way isnt it ? Its quite a lovely intimate natural caring thing to do when it works , as it ddnt with dd1.

Melsy, if you prefer bfing, you can carry on - what's putting you off? You might find that it gives you more 'me' time than bottlefeeding would when dd2 is a little older - it ends up being quicker than sterilising and warming bottles - and more relaxing because of the endophins. You are very likely to be feeling weird at this stage after the birth - 11 weeks isn't much time to give yourself.

The HV has not said that there's a major problem with her weight, they just want to keep an eye on it. Your instincts before you saw the chart were probably right and you certainly haven't put her in danger by not having her weighed as it doesn't sound as if she's wasting away right now, her weight gain has just slowed a bit- you don't need to be so hard on yourself.

I'm not sure if one feed a day would be enough to maintain a supply at this stage but the bedtime feed is a lovely one to keep. Or the first thing in the morning one.

Can you stick at the level of formula/bottle you're at now for a few weeks and see how you feel? then either swap another one or stick at it for another week. You'll find the right level for you and your baby that way.

Of course it's natural to feel like you are. When it works, bf-ing is lovely.

As PC says, don't let the centiles bother you. You'll know if your baby is healthy (alert? pooing and weeing? growing?). The centiles are just an average. Personally, I wouldn't take my baby to be weighed every week unless it was convenient or I wanted to get her weighed. It could be that the drop is a blip due to getting sorted with the formula, it could be that it's your DDs natural centile asserting itself.

I think you've done amazingly Mels.

xxx

Melsy - bf or ff is such a difficult and very personal issue - for me I kept going with bf as I loved the convenience, the closeness and the thought that it was the best thing if I could manage it. It sounds like you feel the same. However, it was not the easiest option, and especially not the first time round - it was easier with each subsequent child but the first 14 weeks were the hardest as they were pre-weaning and only established in the later weeks. If you had troubles the first time round then this is effectively your 'first time', just with your second child. I well remember having a screaming ds most nights as my milk dried up completely from early afternoon (big piggy!) I think you're doing really well and from the sounds of it, your baby sounds fab too. Percentile charts are really difficult as as the previous poster has said - some babies grow to be massive and then shrink (ds and dd2), some stay on the 50th (dd1) and some are just light - none is right or wrong. It's early days for introducing the ff's and I'm sure both you and dd/ds(sorry - can't remember!) will get used to it. Don;t feel pressured to do bf/ ff or a mix - just take it a day at a time. It sounds like a cliche but it really works with young babies. I only did it with my 3rd one and realised what difference it made to my sanity/wellbeing.
Hugs to you x

thank you YF X

Soupy , funny u should say that about morning and bed time feed, Yellow just asked me the question , how would I ideally like to feed right now and I said bed time feed and morning feed, which Im doing now , along with 3am feed, which is sometimes 2 feeds during the night which could be why my supply is ok right now. Do worry about supply with this , but Ive always been producing quite well , dont know what will happen now though.

Its not so much Im put off crimplene, its more that if my mum or sisters are around they can feed for me and I can give dd1 some 1-1 time or even some time for me to !

I think I like yuor suggestion Soupy , keep it like this for a few weeks and see how it goes. Its certainly made me feel a little better about it all.

shes doing really well , thriving , happy , nappies galore. So wasnt concerned at all , well until weighing and fussing at feeds suddenly.

I was saying on post natal thread, that she was gaining 6oz a week in the 1st few weeks , now it seems shes been gaining 4oz a week , which is good I thought. If she stayed at 6oz a week shed be 13lb or more by now and HUGE compared to anyone else in the family, as we are ALL petite on both sides.

Just wanted to say thank you for a lovely supportive post prettycandles.

After a Baaaaaaaaad start to the morning with dd2 refusing me at 7am , leaving me a very emotional state , as I couldnt stop crying thinking Id dried up (yes I know, far to quick for that to happen) , she took from me quite happily later at 11ish. So possibly this morning she was just full up from having a feed at 5am!!!! I was much relieved , but still confused about what and how to go about mix feeding. Ive read so much today on formula,the gut, supply, demand, allergies and all sorts my heads spinning.

Just to help sort me out a bit , Im going to the drop in BF grp at Barnet Hospital tomorow, hoping Bella can help. Wonder if any other mn'ers will be there !

There is no reason why you cant mix feed if that is what you need to do, you could bf, carry on with 11pm feed, and let any visitors give a bottle that way you get a break but you still get to bf.