Still feeling guilty

[Ijustworemytrenchcoat]

I am looking back at old baby photos on my phone as I am transferring them to my tablet and am in floods of tears. There are certain photos and videos I find hard to deal with as it still feels so raw for me. I can't talk to anybody about this in real life and wanted to know if anybody has experienced similar feelings?

My son is over one and a half now, I had a hellish time feeding him. I wish I could go back in time and give up breastfeeding earlier. I always had to mix feed to some extent as he lost and lost weight, it took a long time to get him back up to birth weight. I wish I could go back and give him more sooner instead of the endless round of useless breastfeeds, top ups of expressed milk and formula, and pumping. I think of me desperately asking my mum if she thought he was hungry and her saying yes.

I called on the advice of experts, and quite a few not-so experts. He never got a decent breast feed and screamed not long after one feed. I was convinced there was something very wrong with him and while he had reflux I think he was mostly hungry. It's so hard to admit that and I can't get over the guilt.

I look back on DD1s early baby weeks with some guilt, yes, albeit not for the same reason. For me it is because I didn't get to Breast feed her and think with the right help I could have. But worse than that for me was that she was a 'colicky' baby, cried for hours. I now think she had a tongue and lip tie which went undiagnosed while we tied all the colic remedies and waited for her to 'grow out of it' which was the only advice we got. Wish I had known more about it. I have given myself a terrible time since then for not being more in tune with my baby, allowing myself to be brushed off with an easy answer, letting her spend hours in distress on my shoulder when I might have been able to sort it out. But I have made peace with myself by concluding that we do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time, as I'm absolutely sure you did x

I could have written the first part of your post. I feel that I was guilted into breastfeeding (because it's the best thing) - and I wanted to do it, but given little practical support if it's not working out perfectly (certainly my experience).

My LO took 8-9 weeks to regain his birth weight (he lost 15%) and that was with combination feeding (they wouldn't let us leave hospital unless I agreed to give him formula. He was also very hungry. I remember once I was out in a cafe, I breastfed him, then gave him a big bottle of expressed milk, then a carton of formula - he must've inherited his dad's metabolism...

If I had another child and experienced similar I would definitely cut my losses and switch to only-formula feeding earlier, rather than tie myself into knots like I did. I didn't even lose any weight by breastfeeding! (When I mentioned this to my mum she said she didn't either....)

Please try not to feel guilty, he won't remember it at all. You did what you thought was right at the time and I'm betting he's doing great now.

You did your best, based on the best information available at the time. A lot of us had a hard time feeding our newborn babies and had rubbish support and it can feel so lonely at the time! However you might find that other mums around you had similar experiences and will recognise your feelings.

There is a lot of love and tenderness in your post. Would it make you feel better to hug your boy every time you get those feelings of guilt? So you can enjoy the "now" instead of reliving those sad moments from the past.

Thank you for your replies. I wouldn't feel confident to talk to anybody in real life, and don't know any body I could talk to anyway. My relationship broke up at the end of last year so I feel like I may never have another child, so never be able to 'correct' my mistake with my next child.

I do try to look at him now happy and content but I have a nagging feeling that somehow he has retained the memories of his very early days.

Trench, you are right that babies' early experience matters, but wrong to think it matters forever. Babies' brains are plastic ie technical term that means the shape and formation can change. So negative early experiences can be totally wiped out, if the positives happen soon enough and if the baby is loved, nurtured and responded to in the way normal loving parents respond.

From what you say, any feelings of hunger or need were stopped early on, certainly at a few months. Your baby was and is very loved. You care. You respond and if you and your baby have a warm and mutually loving relationship, you can be confident all is well. Your baby needs you to have that confidence and if you need help, counselling might be an option.

I really hope you will soon start to feel like the loving mother you surely are, and you can see it's important to put regrets and sadness behind you in the last, which is where it belongs :)