MIL undermining my instincts. Grrrr

[TheScenicRoute]

My MIL keeps undermining my instincts with what feels like out dated, uneducated, old-wives-tales type sweeping statements. I have 20 day old twins, they are my first children and basically I am winging it as I have very few friends with children and I was the youngest of the family, I have rarely ever been around babies.

Today I was changing my lb because he had vomited all over his clothes, he hates being dressed and always screams blue murder until the last button is done back up and then he is happy and content again. My MIL was saying, is he kicking his legs??? When she saw he was she was saying ' that's wind, he's got wind' naming me feel (albeit hormonal lay touchy) like I was clueless. My instinct was, no actually he's just being changed, that's all..... But I have to respect that she's brought up three children of her own and has valid experience.... Was she right? Or just being a pain? Does leg kicking when crying exclusively mean they have wind? Or could it be that my lb was just a bit peed off with being disturbed?

The other classic... 'Has he got a blue line above his lip? That's wind, he's got wind'. WTF? Blue line? Is this a thing? I can't see any blue lines!

Can you tell me if she might be right to point these things out, or should I just ignore her?

Let her have her moment, she'll soon get bored and then ignore her. Take all the help you can though, you must be bloody exhausted! Can you tune her out?

If he's content when he's dressed then it's not wind She's imparting her 'wisdom'. You could say 'I'll try that in a minute, thank you', and 'oh, well he seems to have settled now', then leave it at that.

She's brought up her children, and every child is different. I wouldn't ignore her, it will just cause upset, but I'd come out with one of the above to show that you're listening but you're going to do things your way first, and see how things go. I bet she's learning how to be a granny too, you just need to lay down a few boundaries.

Pumping/kicking legs could be wind or could be something else?!just smile and nod, smile and nod!

My mother was convinced that my DDs were teething literally every time they cried in her presence. I just nodded, smiled and carried on dealing with whatever I thought the issue was first.

I'm sure she was right at least some of the time because they did end up with teeth

I think you have to be a mind reader in the early months. They cry, you've no idea whether they are hungry/cold/need a nappy change/want a cuddle/unwell, it's nerve wracking. It took ages for me to get to know the pitches of ds's cries (high pitched + hungry for him) so it can be trial and elimination for ages. I'm sure she's trying to be useful, doesn't mean it's not annoying though Smile, nod and 'I'll try that in a minute'.

I've been where you are, except it was my own mother, not my MIL.

My twins are now four and I have another one. I can honestly say, that unless there is a back story, this is almost certainly harmlessly meant from your MIL. She is probably feeling useless when your baby cries, and she has neither the knowledge of your specific baby not the jurisdiction to just get on with it and try to solve the problem. So she is relegated to the sidelines (rightfully!) and covers her feelings of uselessness by shouting tips and advice from the sidelines. Hugely irritating to a hormonal new mum who is new to this herself and not 100% confident in her own way (understandably!), but really just a bad way of expressing good intentions from your MIL.

I can't make it less irritating for you, as I can't stop your MIL approaching this in an infuriating way. But do try to take a deep breath and the do your own thing. Your MIL will almost certainly not be offended if you just get on with it your way, unless I have her pegged wrong and she's a bitch.

Have confidence in your own intuition and your way of doing things. If there's one thing I learnt raising my twin babies it's that you can't normally take advice on practicalities anyway as what worked for a parent of one is laughably impossible for a twin family. You can only plough on and develop your own way that works :)

Btw the blue line thing is true for my DS. After feeding he gets a darkish (quite noticeable) blue shadow between nose and lip and under his bottom lip. After a couple of big burps the shadow goes away :) I don't remember this with the twins, but then details were hard to notice, never mind remember, when the twins were little :)

It's well intentioned. Just smile and nod and say "Really?"

Like you, I had twins, I had bugger all experience of babies and my mil was a right bossy know all. Drove me nuts.
At this stage you are still getting to know your babies, it's all a bit trial and error. Are they crying with wind, hunger, hot, cold, dirty nappy, tired, awake but want a cuddle, cross because you are dressing them????
The best way to cope with MiL is to smile, nod and do what YOU feel is right. Sometimes you may want some help and advice, then you can ask her, you don't have to follow it.
Unless MiL is normally a horrid person, she is only tying to help, if in an annoying way. It's quite normal to feel overwhelmed at first, it's all so new!

In my experience people of my mothers generation are rather obsessed with wind. And suddenly at 3 months the obsession changes to teething. My advice is, if baby doesn't need feeding is to hand baby over and say- would you mind seeing if you can get some wind up? That way MIL gets a cuddle and a chance to be "helpful" and you have a few minutes of either hands free time or time to deal with the remaining twin!

Thanks guys for putting this into perspective. Thanks also happyasasandboy as I thought my MIL was turning into a fruit loop with that blue line thing, it's good to know this is genuine and perhaps helps me to continue to respect her advice which I was seriously beginning to question.

I needed a bit of perspective (and moral support) to begin to see this for what it is.

Xxx

Blue line = wind is a huge myth.

A lot of otherwise sensible people believe it.

How can wind in the stomach colour the skin near the mouth? Answer: it can't.

:)

Babies' skin is translucent and blood vessels show through easily, when a baby exerts effort and gets facial muscles working as when he cries. His face might go redder, too. Increase in blood supply.

He might be crying for many reasons. When he stops crying the blueness goes away.

It definitely is not wind. At least not directly.

Ignoring bluish tinges round the mouth unassociated with crying is not a good idea, btw. It might indicate serious circulation problems and needs checking out.

Just to add, if a healthy, thriving, growing baby has a blue tinged upper lip after feeding, that's prob just extra blood supply, too. I'd still want it checked out, personally, however, and not assume it's wind.

And here's the science:

"Babies have a venous plexus around the mouth that can engorge with blood during feeds, producing a faint blue appearance. This can be differentiated from true, central cyanosis, as the lips and tongue remain pink. "

www.epmonthly.com/departments/subspecialties/pediatrics/blue-clues-common-causes-of-neonatal-cyanosis/

Thank you for the science, tiktok :) I guess feeding produces both wind and a blue tinge in my baby, and by the time he's summoned a burp, the extra blood has also dispersed :)

That's what I reckon happens, Sandboy :)

If a baby pulls it's legs up it could be wind pains but if he's just kicking his legs he's just giving off about being annoyed!
Agree that our mothers/ mils seem to be obsessed with wind- mine was always on about it! If I had a pound for everytime I heard 'you aren't winding him properly' 'there's bound to be more burps in there than that' 'that child's got wind' 'give his back a good firm rub' I'd be a millionaire!

Congrats on your twins

I had this from my mother and I have vowed not to step in when my DDs have their babies!

The slightest noise and it was "It's wind, she needs winded" Like a bloody mantra. What was even worse was I was BF and I got repeatedly "She's still hungry, I don't think she's had enough". I let her give the baby the first solid food and her words were "so much better than the horrible stuff you get from mummy"

You're right - it does lead to self doubt. Both my babies were quite placid but I always felt I was getting it wrong. I suppose for my mother it was her first grandchildren. After four she lost interest and my younger siblings' kids got absolutely no attention at all.

My goodness, Olly, if my mother behaved that way and said those horrible things, I'm afraid she would deserve anything she got from me!

My MIL is always trying to tell me my DS is tired/hungry/ill/teething/tummy ache etc...when he cries for her but I know it's just because she insists on picking him up and manhandling him and he'd rather just play with his toys on the floor than be cuddled and swayed and rocked!

Ah, what is it with mothers/MILS and wind! It's annoying. She does mean well though, so be firm but kind. Maybe you can say something along the lines of 'Oh, it does look that way, but I know his signals for wind now. He's frustrated because he doesn't really enjoy being dressed/undressed. I bet he'll stop the minute I do that last button up!' I worked magic with my MIL this way, because I was giving her insights in to how her grandkids ticked and she really seemed to enjoy that.

Everyone thinks a baby has wind all the time! They think they're being helpful by pointing it out. Me and dh constantly roll our eyes at each other when someone in our families says it's wind or she has a tummy pain! I think a lot of parents feel helpless that they can't stop a baby screaming and try to offer advice to feel useful. My baby screamed every time we changed her nappy or dressed/undressed her for the first month or so. She just didn't like the change in temperature. In my experience wind pain is usually when they are lifting their knees not kicking their legs. Just smile and nod and get on with it, winging it is my personal choice of parenting!

My mother is also obsessed with wind! And infacol!