Breastfeeding and postnatal depression

[tiggy2610]

My DS is only 3 weeks old and I'm already caught in a bit of a black cloud, so I'm hoping for some words of wisdom from people who have experienced (and survived!) similar situations. (I'm sorry if this is long, I don't want to drip feed)

DS arrived early at 36 weeks and labour was traumatic for the both of us (emergency forceps delivery, episiotomy and tearing, and resusitation at birth) which lead to him developing severe jaundice and spending 7 days in an incubator undergoing dual phototherapy. While he was in the incubator we tried to establish BFing as well as possible but he was only allowed out of the 'box' for 30mins at a time so we mostly ended up latching and then topping up with formula from a cup. When we were discharged he was feeding OK, albeit a little hit and miss, with some feeds going perfectly and others being a few hours of crying from the both of us. He has an underdeveloped suck reflex and a mild tongue tie so I understand feeding will be as frustrating and upsetting for him as it is for me, which breaks my heart.

The past week has been hellish. His latch is often painful and he seems to be really struggling with his tongue but HVs are happy to wait to see if it does 'stretch'. I spend 1-2hrs moving him from breast to breast to try and get him to take a feed and then I express for 40+ mins once we've finished to try and keep my supply up (he will rarely take both breasts and I regularly feel engorged). By the time all of that is finished I will have around an hours respite before the whole cycle starts again.

To add to this difficulty, yesterday I was referred to the local mental health team with suspected postnatal depression by my GP. I cry uncontrollably for up to 4hours a day as I'm convinced my son will be much better off if I just got in the car and leave him with DH. This isn't solely connected to BFing but my current inability to feed him well is definitely adding to the strain. I have bonded with my son, I love him so much and my PND has manifested itself with irrational thoughts of his death and my ability to care for him. I have vivid images of him being drown (by someone else) and me not being able to rescue him . Due to this I haven't been sleeping and have managed around 2hrs a day since he was born, my appetite is non existent (my DH is encouraging me to eat at every meal time) and I'm exhausted. After a particularly bad day this weekend the community psychiatric nurse advised my husband to take DS for an evening to allow me to get some rest and he would feed EBM/Formula during the night, an idea I initially fought completely but eventually agreed to and managed 6hrs uninterrupted sleep. Since then I have reluctantly agreed to express and allow DH to give DS a bottle during the night so he can take over one feed and I can get some rest. Luckily I can express around 4oz at a time so bottle feeding EBM has been possible.

Yesterday I decided to venture out of the house to the local baby cafe to meet with a lactation consultant to assess his tongue tie. I was there for 2hrs and during this time the LC told me I had been latching his completely wrong since day one and therefore I was to blame for the wind he's suffering and that 'Breast is best' and allowing DH to bottle feed him was not sustainable as he had to return to work and I would end up not BFing which I would regret if I had further children. I left feeling wracked with guilt and like my son wasn't being correctly provided for. The hospital midwives, my community midwife and BF peer supporters had previously checked his latch and hadn't mentioned I was doing it incorrectly.

I feel like my failings at BFing are pushing me further into this god awful PND and is destroying my relationship with DH. He gets all the cuddles and happy time with our son while I'm exhausted by feeding and almost paralysed with anxiety of my son being taken away and struggling to not cry everytime I hear DS stir from a nap.

I've found myself considering giving up with BFing but am struggling to cope with the guilt and feeling like I'm letting him down.

I just don't know what to do. Struggle through with the BFing and hope to come out of the other side with a 12month old who I can still feed or try and regain some sanity and move onto EBM/formula and concentrate on working through these feelings of guilt?

Just a quick update

The past few days have been difficult but we have given DS the occasional bottle when he is getting frustrated trying to latch. We're both a lot less stressed at 'meal time' but it still breaks my heart everytime I get the bottle out. I have him my first bottle of EBM this morning and cried all the way through it
I'm expressing after every feed/when he's having a bottle so we are building up a store of Breast milk.

We took a special trip out of the house to go 'bottle shopping' and have been using Dr Browns which also seems to have helped with his wind.

I met with a psychiatrist today for my PND who explained that problems with BF is a huge red flag for PND and he was not happy with the LC we spoke to the other day, so much so he took the name of the centre to make sure the staff were 'educated' on the subject.

Thank you again got all the encouraging words, they really did help.
Now just to make sure my supply stays up...

Keep it up

Great to hear things are going well, and well done again.

If you haven't already seen it, you might find this to bottle-feeding bf babies kellymom.com/bf/pumpingmoms/feeding-tools/bottle-feeding/ useful. The basic idea is to pace feeding to support the bf relationship and also help with colic. Good luck!

Working link: guide to bottle-feeding bf babies

Thank you geekamaxima

Tiggy, this all sounds so much better, good for you! I too cried the first time I gave a bottle but now I actually quite enjoy it - I hope you find the same happens to you. Keep on keeping on, one day at a time.

I cried the first time DH gave DS a bottle (I had to leave the room), and again the first time I gave him a bottle. I hope things continue to improve for you.

Oh lovely, I had to come and add my voice to the mix, as I feel for you - I went through the same journey.

Shit delivery (forceps, episiotomy, tearing, massive bleed, theatre, etc), so no skin to skin at first, and no first feed (in theatre four hours). Bf just never really got going, my supply came in at eight days, and my ten-pounder was bloody hungry!
I got PND from feeling immense and unrelenting pressure to bf, and not being able to do so successfully. Other factors, of course, but the bfing one tipped me from 'emotional new mum' to 'basket case'. People who love bfing, and can do it just do not get those who can't. So they pile on the 'oh, why not try x' which you hear as 'oh, you're a bit lazy, why haven't you sorted this easy, natural, simple thing, eh?'

It's like trying to get a cat lover to want a dog, it's impossible to see a situation which is so outside your experience.

I mix-fed, tried expressing, got heartily sick of forty mins giving me 40mls of milk (DD was on 180mls a time by then!) and then moved to fully FF after a while, as it just didn't work, and it stressed me every single time.

Now DD is 1, healthy, happy, and fine. And so am I, mostly.

I hope that helps a bit, but I also want to say: it's not your latch, it's the baby. It just sounded like you were blaming yourself for 'bad latch', when it's not a fault, it's a mis-match (and it's not something you can necessarily cure/sort).

Take care.

You've had some amazing advice, but I just wanted to share something with you that might help.
My dd1 was prem, and I really struggled with bf, and was heartbroken when I had to give up and put her on formula - I felt I'd failed at something so simple, how would I cope as a mum? Well, she's now 12, and the healthiest child I've ever met. I've managed to successfully bf my subsequent dc, which shows its just a mismatch.
She's asked why she wasn't bf (part of a conversation about their differences as babies) when the others were, and I explained, and she was quite happy, and hasn't asked again. We are very close, so it hasn't affected anything.
What I'm trying to say is decide what's best for you and baby. Happy mummy tends to make a happy baby, and if that means ff, or mix feeding, or ebm, or whatever, then don't beat yourself up about it. It really doesn't make that much difference in the long run.

I was you 6 years ago with my firstborn and my heart goes out to you - you have had a hell of a lot to cope with, more than is usual and "usual" when you have a new baby is in itself a hell of a lot to cope with so you are being doubly tested - and you are doing incredibly well and you should be getting better support. A pox on the LC you saw, she gave you bad advice and delivered it badly and you are vulnerable, as post partum women are, so she should have taken better care.

I look back now from 6 years on and it seems like all the pain, trauma, sobbing, angst over feeding, guilt over giving formula, feelings of failure and uselessness, all happened to a different person. I vividly remember it but I feel so sorry for the woman to whom it happened, and I can see so clearly that she did her absolute best, worked so hard to do the right thing for her son, and deserved to be better supported. I wish I could have had such clarity at the time and I simply couldn't but I thought it might help to hear from another person who has been you, and knows, KNOWS, you are doing nothing wrong and everything you possibly can and you deserve nothing but support and sympathy.

I sobbed my heart out the first few times I gave my son formula but after a few days it was clearly helping and after a few weeks we were into a rhythm- in our case mixed feeding - which worked well for six or seven months and became second nature. Once he was thriving, and sleeping more and more contented - and once I was resting more - I was much more able to cope with my feelings and fears. Also, as he got bigger and was doing things other than feeding and screaming, the feeding became much easier to put into perspective because it wasn't so constant and so dominant in the way it had been in the early days.

As it happens I had a completely different experience with my DD, now 3 - straightforward birth, she fed like a star from day one and grew like a weed, I had no BF problems at all. I still didn't find those newborn days easy and I still did my share of weeping but it was so different. That also helped me see that what had happened with DS clearly couldn't have been my fault or all down to me, because a different baby and different support made for a totally different outcome.

New midwife sounds like a star, stick with her. Whatever you end up doing will be a loving choice to do the best you can - you have fought like a tiger so far to do the right thing by your baby and you will one day be proud of your own resilience and strength.

It's like trying to get a cat lover to want a dog,

Well said humptydumptybumpy.

Nolim

I know I sound like a broken record but I honestly can't begin to tell you how much it helps to read stories from Mums who have been here.

Would you believe that I'm a FF baby myself so should know full well that it has caused me no problems!

Yesterday was a tough day PND wise (DH back at work, friend cancelled coming round for the day) and then i had attempted to feed DS and after 10mins with no luck I knew it was time to get a bottle. I opened this thread and read the messages as I was feeding him and it made a huge difference, no tears

Luckily I can still pump 120ml in a session which roughly equates to a feed so I've got a good supply in the fridge for EBM bottles. There is also an emergency stock of SMA in the cupboard if it's needed...

Midwife called around this morning again and DS had gained 3oz since we started adding in bottles and is now 7lb5oz and becoming perfectly chubby in all the right places - this alone helps to get rid of some of the guilt.

Tiggy, this was me 16 months ago. My dd also had tongue tie, took 6 weeks to finally diagnose it! Please don't beat yourself re: formula and bottles. In the long run it'll probably save your sanity.

My daughter was born big (9lb11) but didn't put weight on, would only feed for 5 mins every 3 hours. I was stressed to high heaven. I ended up on Anti D's I am convinced my pnd was mainly caused through the stresses breast feeding caused.

I wish wish I'd have switched from early on to formula. I truly believe my pnd wouldn't have been half as bad if I had of done. I stuck with BF through sheer guilt, my dp's mum is pro BF and breast fed all her children, she was so pushy for me to continue as were the midwives. Sadly the whole bf experience coupled with pnd (which I had from early on but didn't get help until she was 6 months old) have resulted in me not wanting more children as I found it all so tough and a hellish time.

My advice, get the help you need, pnd is an awful thing and stopped me bonding with my dd until she was about 9 months old.
I love being a mum now and things will and do get easier I promise.

Take care of yourself and I hope you are on the mend soon.

We'll done, sounds like you are both doing great!

If you are up to trying other things, the exaggerated latch helped me enormously. I had 9 weeks of extremely painful feeding with DD and the exaggerated latch sorted it out. You can find videos of it online, it is easier to understand if you see it than someone trying to describe it. It's very easy to do and may be worth a try.

Great to hear about the weight gain OP, don't feel guilty, you're obviously on the right track! Healthy chubby baby = happy mum

Tiggy this all sounds fantastic! 120mls in a pumping session is really good, better than I ever managed. And 3oz weight gain! Those rolls of fat are so satisfying aren't they. As one of my NCT group says - they don't make themselves! You and your milk did it.