Managing Expectations of Others

[francis223]

Hi there,
I am EBF and a first time mum, where no extended family have any experience of breastfeeding. I suppose I am just looking for reassurance that I'm doing the right thing!

Baby is 5 weeks old and is currently feeding roughly every 1-2 hours for a max of 20 mins. We are totally content at the moment, spending the days together at home where he can feed as and when he wants.

Problems start when family expect us to visit them for up to 6 hours e.g Sunday lunch at their house, or visit us for several hours, and want to see baby. He inevitably wants feeding during these times, and so I either need to take him away several times upstairs, and am back and forth, or I face baby crying and well meaning family members fighting over who is able to settle baby, when I know all the while that he just wants a good long relaxed feed, which is quite difficult to do in the in-laws spare bedroom sat on the edge of the bed! I also felt under pressure to feed quickly as the MIL wanted to spend precious time with 'her' beautiful baby!

Last Sunday I faced comments like 'wouldn't it be nicer if we just had a bottle to be able to feed him with'. Even if I expressed, at this stage baby isn't comforted by just feeding from a sip cup and I haven't used a bottle with him at all so far and am reluctant to at this early stage.

I have also been told I will be raising a spoilt child, that I can't feed every time he asks because he won't get into a routine. Frankly I think my family think I am mad for doing things 'the hard way' by BF.

None of this will change my determination to BF but I just need to know from others who BF that I am doing the right thing!! Lol!

I've found that one of the hardest things about parenting is ignoring all the crap other people my MIL will come out with.
It sounds like you're doing a great job, so just carry on with what you're doing. Is there a reason you go to the spare room though? I used to be quite nervous about feeding in front of people, especially those who weren't used to seeing it. However after the first couple of times, it just became the norm. Breastfeeding is a lot easier when you're focusing on you and baby and not worrying what others think.

You're doing the right thing! And your family are being really rude. Honestly I would tell them to put a sock in it I were you - maybe not in those exact words, but "we're happy with our decision and I don't want to hear anything more about bottles or spoiling him"?

Also, while my family were tons more supportive than yours I still got a lot of now-outdated advice that they were given - "oh she can't be hungry again, you need to get her to go longer between feeds, here give her to me and I'll walk up and down jiggling her for you" when the baby was rooting and clearly hungry. I found it helped to say "oh the advice on that's changed, they think it's best to just feed them on demand now" and then turn it into a kind of "haha, isn't it funny how much things change?" conversation about back-to-sleep or something (while taking DD back from the well-intentioned jiggler).

I also stopped going into other rooms to feed at around 5-6 weeks because she fed allllll the tiiiiiiiime and I hit a kind of "bugger this, life's too short" point. That's up to you and your comfort level though obviously!

I had this a little bit with my (lovely) in laws in the early days, including the bottle comments: it is tricky when they want to hold the baby and you want to be feeding him, and unfortunately there's no magic solution. I think you just have to carry on with what you're doing, ignore any comments and remember it's just because they are doting grandparents and are desperate to be hands-on, and it won't be long until the feeds get further apart and shorter. Before you know it he'll be sitting in a highchair and mother in law can feed him Sunday lunch!

I just wondered why you go to the spare room to feed him? Do you feel uncomfortable feeding him in front of relatives?

Could you find them other jobs that might help them to feel involved, eg help you keep records in a baby book, make hand or footprints, sort out clothes he has grown out of, research options for things you might not have bought yet eg highchairs, give him a bath?

On the 'spoilt child' and routine thing, mine was fairly permanently attached to me for the first 6 weeks but from about 4 months we have been very routine-based as this suited me. You don't have to keep feeding on demand as they get older if you don't want to, but 5 weeks is too young to worry about routines. Also, mine is a very calm and contented baby and is happy to be left, so all the feeding in the early days hasn't made him clingy.

It's quite simple: people who suggest you are raising a spoilt child are rude.

Anyone who undermines you by passive-aggressive comments ('wouldn't it be nicer to have a bottle?') are rude.

If these comments are coming from your in-laws, then you and your dh should be super clear they are not acceptable.

And yes - learn how to feed in front of others without being shy or apologetic about it :)

It is weird that other people want to feed someone else's tiny baby. Why do they do that? I would never ask to give someone else's baby a bottle even where bottle-fed, I might ask for a cuddle but not to feed them.

By the way good work 20 mins feed at that age - mine were still taking up to 45 sodding mins!

Oh yeah forgot to say - putting them in a sling means people try to grab them off you less. also you can use sling to hide under if shy. I know the feeling, with my first I could feed at the bus stop on the main road but not in front of FIL.

My family are thankfully not like this about feeding. In fact I had to encourage my mum to use expressed milk (at about 5 weeks) as I wanted dd to take a bottle as I may have had an operation that month. All was well.

But my dad is a bit about sleep. Eg no idea what "white noise" is and believes babies sleep in silence, in a dark room. Erm no background chatter and a pram/sling is fine. He also thought a sling would overheat the baby (odd considering he grew up in a hot country where slings are often used). Yeah dad ill lug the moses basket round the houses with me...

Unfortunately if it's not feeding it's something else.

I faced similar comments with my first and I think you either rise above it, smile, nod and ignore or you say something like a previous poster suggested "advice now is that breastfed babies should be fed on demand. My health visitor says we're doing great!". Tbh I didn't have the energy for comebacks the first time round but ended up stewing on the things said which wasn't great for me. So I think nip it in the bud now.
As for feeding in front of people, I always slip away at the in laws as it gives me a break

You are doing a great job, and everyone posting above me is quite right. Don't feel undermined - you do know best.

It was, still is, really important to me to feed because it lets my DS have some timeout. He hates to miss out, and doesn't wind down easily. Feeding him allows us some quiet time, and for him to sleep if he really needs to. He now often comes to feed if he's in need of some calm down time. It's important.

I think your doing a wonderful job motherhood is full of opinions and I think breastfeeding is such a loaded gun. I am a young mum and fed my son till he was 3 at the time no one I knew breastfed and I got all the same comments as you and worse till one day I screamed I pushed him and you didn't I will do what I want !!!! I look back and think my outburst was funny but at the time I was in rage will alllll the comment and all the I did it like this so you should I tried to breastfed but it was too hard so you won't be able to blah de blah and as for the spoiling baby and routine contradictory to the crap Gina ford and other lovers of routine spout you can't spoil or train a baby like a dog its impossible as at different times such as growth sputs and teething a baby needs different thing and breastfed baby's are different from ff and more people have experience with formula so give you advice that doesn't work like everything all parents and babies are individual and you are doing your best just say this is what works for you and baby is too young for routine and take breaks from the family say you need time to yourselves if you need it good luck xxx

You're doing a fabulous job. Try to block out the running commentary from others. The feeding should definitely start to get quicker soon. My little one now feeds in about 5-10 mins compared to about 45 to start with. I struggled so much with feeding to start with that I was almost stuck at home with my top off for the first 5-6 weeks but after that I quickly gained confidence and can now easily feed her in front of anyone so I hope you get there with that too.

I got so annoyed with the 'wouldn't it be better if they had bottles so we wouldn't have to give them back to you for feeds' rubbish that when my twins went on to formula at 6 weeks, I put my foot down and let no one else bottle feed them unless they were actually babysitting and I was off the premises (barring my partner, of course). The comments are rude and unnecessary; family members don't get to interrupt or make you feel bad about feeding, however you do it, for more 'cuddle time'. That's not why we have kids.

Congratulations! BF in the early days is really hard and must be even harder with this kind of attitude to face.

You are 100% doing the right thing and the feeding pattern you describe sounds perfect. As others have said, plenty of time for a routine to develop (either with or without your guidance).

I also decided to feed wherever whenever so that I didn't feel like I was missing out and invested I a couple of 'proper' nursing tops to wear when visiting / in company and knew I would have to feed. If you do feel that you could stay in the room, they may not feel quite so separated from the baby??

Otherwise, agree that carefully mentioning current advice NOW could stop the comments in their tracks "ooh yes MIL, I completely agree with you and it would be lovely if there was longer between feeds but recent research has shown how important it is to make sure I feed as soon as he is hungry ". "Oooh yes, it will be lovely if I can express - when he is older. I just want to get the hang of this first." Find something in her advice / opinion you can agree with but then state your case!

As said above, it's all good practice for the future! Nod, smile, carry on doing what you know is right for you, your family and your baby .

Breast feeding at the beginning (esp first 6 weeks) is hard, and time consuming. BUT.... get through that hard bit and it will be the easiest, most convenient thing you will do for your baby.

The people who are making comments had their turn to feed their own babies however they wished. This is your baby, your turn to choose.

Ignore them.

This is your baby, you are doing the right thing. If you want Togo to lunch, then you are more than entitled to go off several times to feed your baby - why on earth would you sit there and tolerate the crying when all that's needed is a feed?
Re a bottle, it's advised no one but mum and dad do the bottle feedings so that there is no confusion as to who provides the good, especially at such an early age.

You sound like you're onto a really good thing with your feeding, don't you dare let them ruin it. If they can't handle the fact that it is YOUR baby, the I'd be staying at home until they've got the message.

Don't feel you have to leave the room to feed your child. That's surely the most relaxed way of doing it?

They will get used to it - my InLaws did.

You do have to be quite bold & confident in yourself & just feed Infront of them - it's good practice for whenever feeding spaces out & you are out & about more.

Congratulations & keep up the good work!