Neilsmum - I have every sympathy for your situation. I wanted to let you know that I have yet to find a mum yet that actually enjoyed breastfeeding in those early months. Be careful not to set yourself up for those magical 12 weeks, I remember when I was pregnant they said that the sickness would subside at 12 weeks and there I was at 17 weeks still sick as a pig!! Breastfeeding takings time - just when you get used to it - baby has a growth spurt and your left scratching your head thinking this isn't the same. My daughter used to wake at 2am and then feed constantly until 5am then sleep - I realised that she was going through a a cluster feed. I therefore would ensure she was up and changed at 7am and feed her every 2 hours and then put her down at 10pm and let her wake up when she was ready to feed - this would normally be after a good stretch of sleep. I would go to bed when she did at night. After a week or so she would wake more often in the day, her cluster feed came forward to 4-7pm and she slept for longer at night.
I really wanted to feed her - I got mastitis - she had problems with her neck and so used to bite down on me, I leaked like a fire hose and remember crying in the wee hours with my little girl suckling and me feeling like I might drop her I was so tired.
Then I decided to move her cot into my room, I took off the side of the cot and put the cot against my bed - she slept in her cot next to me and I slept in my bed. If she woke up I would pull her over and feed her and then put her back into her cot. This was a good comprimise for me.
So My little girl has just gone past a year and we are still breastfeeding. I have been back at work 6 months and have only just stopped expressing at work.
It can work, Its normal to doubt whether you can continue - its a massive upheaval to your life and sleep despravation can make you feel like your going out of your mind. Take one day at a time - don't think too much of tommorrow, or next week, just today and take each day as it comes. Becasue it does get easier - it does get very rewarding and its a wonderful bonding experience when you've been at work to come home and reconnect with your child.
At the moment you're life has gone from one where you were in control, where you knew what was round the corner and you dictated what you did to a life where a little helpless baby is calling the shots, You have let go of the old life for just a little while - you can get that back - but for now learn to let go, be a mummy and enjoy this time.
Breastfeeding is a 2 way street - a happy mummy and a happy baby is the key to success. If your happy then you should find an alternative. But its hard to make rational decision if your sleep deprived and if i'm being honest you need to be completely self less for the duration that your child is fully dependant on your milk - whenever - whereever.
But I can't beleive how quickly time has gone by - I took a day at a time and i've been going for over 365 days now!! Good Luck with whatever you decide.
debs