Slow weight gain and terrified first time mum

[Pushonregardless]

I feel like I need some help to sort out my state of mind. And see a path through all of the advice and opinion being shoved on me.

FTM of 9 week old DD. Born with hip displaysia and currently in a Pavlick harness (for at least until 15 weeks).

Both DH and I are quite small build. DD was 8lbs 9oz at birth which surprised the midwives. EBF from the start and I am passionate about breastfeeding. Maybe too much.

Baby lost 9% after birth. Then began my problems. It took until week 5 for her to regain birth weight. Aside from this she was clinically very well- alert, holding head up from birth, lots of wet and dirty nappies. I had a fantastic, supportive midwife who saw me twice a week and developed a feeding plan. She lent me a hospital grade pump and I expressed after every feed, giving DH this as a top up via cup (I was trying to resist a bottle at this stage). She felt that DD was simply born too big and was 'catching down'.

By week 5 this wasn't working well enough. I saw a different midwife who scared me and insisted on formula top up. I had resisted this all along and was very upset, sobbed for hours when we first did it. I wanted to EBF and still do.

Weight gain began to improve but I was only giving very small amounts of formula a day, which midwife felt wouldn't account for the gain. So I phased it out in the hope to return to EBF.

Weight gain was happening but slow. HV was happy that DD was just finding her own curve (following 9th percentile) but asked me to see GP 'just in case' she had missed something. GP agreed she was well, no tongue tie etc but said it was worth asking the paediatrician anyway. They are hell bent on intervention, so of course insisted I bring her into paeds A&E immediately. I spent four hours waiting to be seen, for them to do blood tests etc and tell me what I already knew-that there was nothing medically wrong with her. Then 2 hrs spent with the infant feeding team improving my latch and putting a new feeding plan in place. Which entailed even more expressing and supplementing with EBF. I was starring to lose it with worry and stress by this point and cried the entire time.

I had to go and move in with MIL for a week to get help as the feeding routine was so intense I couldn't look after myself as I was always feeding or pumping.

At the same time we had problems with baby being unsettled and continuing to feed every 1.5-2hrs, so sleep was very broken. I had accepted that this was normal for a newborn and that I needed to just get through it. However I don't deal with sleep deprivation well. I spent a lot of time crying on the phone to my mum. Hoping for support.

My mum is difficult. I desperately wanted love and support but due to family history of hip displaysia she is obsessed with doing anything to make sure DDs hips heal. Very long story short, she has pushed me harder and harder, saying her weight gain isnt normal. She's been downright horrid to me and she and my sister staged an 'intervention' by inviting me over and talking me down for 6 hours until exhausted from crying constantly I agreed to top her up with formula again. I'm a strong, intelligent 32 yr old woman but have been I completely bullied on this. I have been screamed and shouted at - things have happened that make me so desperately upset. I have spent weeks crying and fighting my corner.

Despite all of us being EBF as babies, my family seem believe formula to be the magic bullet that will improve weight gain and get me some sleep. They believe that from a very tiny ages babies should sleep through at night.

Of course I know this isn't the case. DD isstill only 9lbs 5oz at 9 weeks but is still following 9th centile. HV is unconcerned and wants to weigh her less. She's told me to stand up to my family and be proud I've stuck with BF despite the challenges.

I'm stuck in this rut of formula top ups now which terrifies me as I don't Want to damage my supply. I see it as a slippery slope.

At a hip appointment today they remarked that she hasn't grown much this week in length when they adjusted their harness. My mum was there and made a big scene. She is physically forcing bottles on DD and wants me to give up BF. She literally takes unfinished top up bottles and tries to make DD take them. This makes me so angry i can't speak. I am the boss here. Not her.

I am resisting her on everything and our relationship has completely deteriorated. I refuse to be pushed around by her. All the HCPs are unconcerned about her size but I can't seem to be confident because my family are making my life a misery. DH is furious and we are having to lie about weigh ins and spend less time with my family.

I'm so sorry this was such a rant. I just needed to get it all down. Would you be worried about DDs weight? Am I doing the right thing? The HV told me to be firm with my mum and I've told her that DH and I are committed to BF and that it's not up for discussion. She believes I'm starving my daughter. I'm starting to worry she's right, despite having a happy, smiley baby who is meeting milestones and sleeping 4hr stretches at night.

I'm in such a mess and I can't see a way out. I feel better when I've not seen my family for a few days and it's just me and DD doing our thing.

I just cannot give up BF. I don't believe it's the right thing for her. I am so sad. HV is watching me for PND. Please help.

Triple feeding is exhausting. And I was going to endless appointments and BF support groups. I got to the end of my tether. Still trying to pump 2 or 3 times a day. But now I BF and top up as needed with either ebm or formula. I hate doing it and it makes me so sad.

The last few days have seen her continuing to scream at the breast but mostly only in the evenings when she's tired. During the night feeds she feeds beautifully. When she screams constantly DH has to take over and give her a bottle. I then sit and cry and pump. I feel that the formula has got out of control in the last week and that she just wants the easy option.

Tread- I am desperate to believe that she will get bigger and stronger and learn to BF better. I don't think either of us got it properly because 12 hrs after she was born we were rushed off to get her hips sorted out and I missed out on the amazing bf support at the MLU where she was born. By the time I got proper help it was late because she was already so under her birth weight.

I know it's all bollocks really and that all that matters is that she's well. We had to have treatment to get her, and it was a rough time. I just want the best possible for her. But DH rightly says that this will soon be forgotten and is such a short part of her life.

Red-the stomach expanding thing is what I feared. I don't really know how to reverse this and even though I'm desperate to make it work, I've been ploughing away at it with all sorts of help for 10 weeks. I feel exhausted and not sure if it's the right thing for my family. I wish I wasn't so stubborn.

I keep wishing I had never listened to the formula top up advice. But if I hadn't we may have ended up in a worse place with the weight gain. 5 weeks to regain her birth weight was already pretty bad. I knew it would be a slippery slope.

Have you looked at www.kellymom.com?
I can't link as on the phone but there's a page on there somewhere about interpreting baby BF behaviours? It might give you some usefultips to look out for.

For many people the early evening is when their supply is lowest. They are shattered by that time of the day and babies are hungry tired and just plain grumpy. With DD1, I'd cluster feed on the sofa for 2-3 hrs and then she'd square away a huge bottle of formula. It used to destroy me, so demoralising so I know how you feel.
For others, if you have tons of milk, your baby might not be coping with your let down. It might help to express a tiny amount first and then bf. Tricky with a screaming infant granted.

Weird how they feed so well in their sleep. Maybe just leave DH to feed at 7 and get your head down. Then feed yourself at 10/11?

I know you didn't want to feed formula, can I just say I do know how gut wrenching it is. In hindsight for me I don't feel too bad for achieving the 80:20 rule. It's not poison and time gives some perspective. You have a beautiful healthy baby - so long as they eat, that's the main thing.

PS. Hope you are going to MIL's for Christmas!

Has silent reflux been ruled out? Signs and symptoms include poor weight gain, fussiness and reluctance to feed (but will feed well when sleepy or asleep), wind, back arching, disturbed wake or sleep times, frequent (cluster) feedings, and a range of others. I only say this as my little one was very slow to gain weight, fussed and screamed at the breast (but fed fine when asleep), windy, required top ups as never seemed satisfied at the boob etc etc., and it was reflux. Untreated it can be very serious so good to get it ruled out. Sadly our LO's silent reflux (where they don't vomit) was not treated properly and he developed ulceration of his oesophagus and a feeding aversion. However a month ago (he's one now) we paid to see a private consultant who suggested cow's milk protein allergy, he's on new formula and a cow's milk protein free diet and has started eating and sleeping much better than before. Hopefully he'll start gaining more weight and won't need to be tube fed (as we kept being told it might be needed).

Topping up led to reduced production for me, and now we know what it was, was actually worsening things for him in the long run. Had he been diagnosed properly from the outset (andCMPA is so common I have no idea why it wasn't) then I could have eliminated it from my diet and he would have been fine, but you can't turn back the clock!

If you can at least get silent reflux ruled out (and cow's milk protein allergy) you know you have tried that avenue. I hope you get lots of support though, as feeding troubles are so worrisome for parents, and having lived with a refluxy baby for a year now, I can tell you that it's the hardest thing ever.

Dear op you are amazing. You have been given shit info, bullied and screamed at and you still are doing what you think is right for your baby. A huge well done.

Lots of good advice on here. Have you seen an Lactation Consultant in person? I strongly advise you to go and see one. Better still they come to you. They are the experts and anything they say trumps your mothers views.

Re the mother bullying- reduce contact to a minimum. And only when your DH is there. She is bullying you.

The evening fussiness- it called cluster feeding. It's normal! It's also horrible. But it is normal. She's building up your supply, and tanking up for the night time. Skin to skin cuddling & feeding in the sofa helps. And a great tip- do this before she usually starts to whinge. It might avoid her getting too wound up.

The expressing sounds exhausting. If the latch is good and you have no pain feeding, and you are feeding ok demand (not following a set routine) then you might be able to ditch the expressing. A baby is so much more efficient than expressing. Is the pump a hospital grade one? That might shorten the time it takes.

Stress. It affects breastmilk supply. It sounds like you are really stressed. Every little thing you can do to be calmer and happier should be done.

Only talk to & see people who are nice to you (your HV sounds great). Eat nice food. Cuddle your baby lots. Skin to skin in the evenings. Can you cosy up in bed all propped up with pillows & a DVD/book etc?

You are doing great, it is possible to ditch the bottles, see an LC.
Hang in there, this is not 'all bollocks' clearly you have a strong instinct and you are following it. That's great. Hugs x